Too late.

So Reina and I were waiting for our pizza and we got bored. She ended up starting with giving me a brief handy under the table but we both got pretty worked up so I followed her to the bathroom and bent her over a toilet in one of the stalls. Man you have no idea how disgusting women’s restrooms are. And the way that girl screamed! I was pretty sure we were going to get thrown out or have the cops show up. Can you imagine that? ‘Sorry officer, can you just give me a second to finish?’

Anyway we get back out to the bar just as our pizza is getting to our table, and as we’re sitting down, Cross Guy walks up to the table and before we know what’s happening he picks up both of our slices, takes a bite out of each, says ‘Go with God’ around a mouthful of visibly scalding hot pizza, and turns around and leaves.

Well, when I was younger I woulda stood up and beat the shit out of him, but age has mellowed me considerably, so I look at Reina and she looks at me and we both start laughing like crazy people. Then we get up and head on down the street. We’re walking into the parking lot out there when we see the flashing lights, and right then and there I’m pretty sure that VIP did call the cops, and that we’re going to jail for public indecency, so I tell Reina to run the fuck away. No easy feat in three inch heels but she manages pretty well. Meanwhile I’m getting ready to distract One Time and play the hero so mama can make her getaway. Figured it would earn me some points down the road, call it an investment, and it sure as hell did, because a week later she’s sucking my cock in front of her fiancé and telling him what a small dick he has and how good it is to deepthroat a man who can actually hit her tonsils while he jacks off in the corner. Dude wasn’t all that small. Five and a half inches is average after all.

Right. So I’m standing there in the lot, my pussy has fled, and there’s flashing lights headed my way. Except it isn’t five-oh. This big round thing starts descending from the sky, red white and blue lights flashing all over the place, and a giant spotlight shines on me out of the bottom of it. Next thing I know I’m floating up into a hole that’s opened up in the bottom of it.

What? This is the part where your suspension of disbelief breaks? I swear, I’m not lying. Call Mike the bouncer over. He saw everything.

Or you can just sit there and let me tell the goddamn story that you’ve been pestering me for the whole goddamn night. Thank you.

What? No I didn’t get probed. Even the little green bitches recognized that I don’t get fucked. I fuck. So next thing I know I’m in what looks like an operating theater, like the kind that you see on all those shows about alien abduction. Except it’s not all in white or all chrome. Everything is red, from the lights to the ceiling to the kinky looking restraints attached to all the gurneys.

The aliens themselves aren’t like the greys you see all over the tabloids with their weird human fetus looking heads and big black eyes. First off, all five of them were demonstrably female or at least had what I recognized as feminine secondary sex characteristics. God damn philistine! I mean they had tits. Pretty nice ones at that. And they’re standing there talking gibberish at me like ‘Ak! Aklak! Akgakakgak aklak!’ and shit and I’m confused until I realize they’re all pointing at my cock.

Well the alien bitches all get on their knees and start crawling to me. So of course I fucked them. And that’s how I found out that my cock was the one thing standing between earth and total annihilation.

What? Where are you going? Don’t go away mad… you can always join me in the bathroom…