Slowly, I walked back towards the couch. I got the feeling that any sudden movement might set Amy off. How, I really wasn't sure. She might attack someone, or she could be speaking literally and be about to explode into a thousand pieces. Normally I wouldn't think that's possible. But in the state Amy's in, I didn't really want to risk it.
I sat down next to Elizabeth. She had the same look on her face that I did; surprise mixed with a bit of fear. I took in a deep breath, meeting Amy's eyes the entire time, willing some of my calm to cross over to her. It didn't work. The only change was her knuckles whitening as she clawed at nothing.
I had no idea what to do. So I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind. "What happened, Amy?"
Her eyes were wide, almost feral. "What happened?" she snarled. "What happened?! I'll tell you what happened!
"What happened is that every single one of my favorite fuckbuddies has decided they want to settle down!" The words practically dripped out of her mouth, bathed in annoyance. "Last week it was Frank. He decided he was in love with me!"
Elizabeth raised her hand tentatively, as if she was still in school. "Is... is that really such a horrible thing?" she asked.
Amy looked at her as if she had asked the stupidest question ever. "Yes!" she shrieked, so loudly it made the windows vibrate. "I'm not like the rest of you! I'm not built for love, relationships, or any of that shit!" Some semblance of control came back to her, and Amy hurriedly reeled herself back in. "I mean it works for you guys!" she said, gesturing at the two of us wildly. "You're so sickeningly sweet that if you weren't together it would just be wrong!
"But it's not me! Ian, what's my number one rule?!"
I answered almost automatically. "You don't have boyfriends, you have guys you fuck more then once."
"Exactly!" she crowed, snapping her fingers. "And if one of those guys gets all lovey dovey, then I break it off. Less chance of anyone being hurt that way."
Amy went back to pacing like a jungle cat. As she moved, she went on, "And if it were just Frank, it'd be okay. But it's not! He was just the first! After him it was Paul from the football team. And then Sal from track! Then I got a call from Miguel asking me when he was picking me up for our next date. He's never called it a date before! We hooked up, we had fucking amazing sex, we moved on. Now he's trying to bring me flowers, bring me candy, make me go steady. Who even calls it that?!"
She stopped, panting for breath. Elizabeth and I traded looks. The two of us knew each other well enough to know when we're on the same page. And we definitely were at that moment. "Amy?" I asked, "That's bad and everything, and we feel for you."
"No one should be pent up like you are," Elizabeth continued. Unconsciously, she put one of her hands on my leg, stroking it softly, as if in apology that the two of us were just as pent up right now. Amy's eyes locked on it like a missile. "But what can we do to help?"
Amy's eyes were glowing green pools as she stared a hole in me. "Elizabeth, Ian, you're two of my best friends in the world. And I know this is going to sound super weird. But if I wasn't ****, I wouldn't be here."
She paused. For a second I thought she was reconsidering whatever she was about to ask. But she gathered herself and plowed on ahead. "Elizabeth, you can give us the go ahead."
Before either of us could ask any questions, she stared at me like a hungry animal. "And Ian? You can fuck me."
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