The drive home

Note: minor spoilers for the chapter lunch revalations

Ever since i was young, car rides in the dark had a calming effect on me. They also helped me express myself and talk thing through. Before he moved away my brother and I often drove around without a goal. Just talking about our lives and our problems.

Now, yet again, I felt my inner turmoil calm down as i sat behind the wheel until i was ready to talk about it. Just as i was about to open my mouth Emma spoke:

„I'm sorry“ She said in a glum, nearly meek tone.

I took a deep breath .

„Can you talk me through it?“

I quickly looked over to her before watching the road again. Feeling her hesitation I continued:

„I want to understand you. So we can work something out... and frankly I am not sure I understand what exactly happened between you, Grant and Sarah.“

Haltingly at first, but with growing confidence she told me her thoughts and fears from throughout the evening. She spoke them into the darkness of the Car while I was silent and listened, driving without destination.

„Remember when you told me to think about what you could win? I did... and the more i thought about it, the more afraid i got. I know you fought for me to …well... to have sex with me and... you deserve it. I just … I just thought you deserved better, than I could give you.“

She paused a moment and as she spoke again her word where rushed, spilling out like water over a broken dam.

„I still don't feel comfortable having sex with you, but imagining you with someone else hurts, but its only fair,and all would be so much easier if we could just do it, and than there is the possibility that it won't be an issue, if you loose, and that I get to fuck someone else, and Isaac it feels so good to know, that you are waiting for me and that you know that it happens and I am sorry but as it looked more and more like you could win i got more and more anxious and all these thoughts swirled around in my head and than I choose the cowards way out.

Her chest was heaving like she ran a marathon. After she got a grip of herself, she went on in a calm tone.

„I tried to trick you into loosing... Grant... he has a thing for sleeping with other guys girlfriends... had you taken the deal he would have chosen me. Sarah saw through it and asked me about it... than she told me a piece of her mind“ She chuckled without humour. „As she should have... its good to have a friend who you can rely on to tell you if you royally fuck up... maybe it helps you to know, that Grant won't get anything tonight … in contrast to you.

You won and I am yours... this entire week - whenever, wherever, however... that's the least I can do after what i did...“

She lapsed into silence. I stayed quiet as well.

As I pulled into my driveway she looked at me and, with tears in her eyes, asked me:

„Can you please talk to me? I'm so sorry! I know I can only ask for your forgiveness and I promise to never do such stupid, insecure, bullshit, again and i will make it up to y-“

I cut her of by smiling and flicking her forehead.

„Its okay. All is well that ends well. As long as you promise not to do such things behind my back, there is nothing to forgive. We both know, that our relationship isn't... standard. I pushed a button of yours, that I didn't know existed. If you feel uncomfortable you can use the safeword too.”

I opened my arms and Emma reached over the center console of the car to hug me back. Once the center console started to dig into my ribs I released her.

“Emma there is one more thing to talk about... i don't want you to sleep with me because you feel obligated to do it. I don't even want to do it if you are prepared to do it... I want to sleep with you because you want to ...and i think” I said as I opened the door “I have a proposals how we can manage just that.”