The couch, sharing the living room with Joey

I say, “Thanks for the offer. But if I sleep in the same bed as you, it will make it so much worse with my wife. I deserve Joey’s snoring as punishment.”

“Okay. My room will be open to you, anytime you want to join me,” Phoebe kisses me on the cheek. “And that offer is just not for tonight. That’s anytime.”

Holy fuck is she trouble. She walks away and I hate myself for it but I check out her nice ass as she goes.

I turn to her husband, “How do you feel about your wife making that offer?”

Joey shrugs, “You’re my best friend. My wife is your wife.”

“We are not best friends,” I say.

“Then why do I fuck your wife all the time?” He slurs, almost incoherent.

We’re both so drunk. He’s talking non-sense. We each take our place on opposing couches. The room spins when I close my eyes. I keep them open, and look across the coffee table. Joey lays on his back, his stomach bulges under the blanket.

I say, “It’s not cool to joke about fucking my wife.”

“I’m not joking. We are best friends. It’s a deal. I fuck your wife. You fuck my wife. Tonight was just your first time taking advantage of your end of the bargain.”

“What are you talking about? We never made a deal. I put my tip in your wife tonight because I’m drunk, **** for sex and have the willpower of a toddler.”

“We made a deal. Like nine years ago. I didn’t make it up. Both you and Monica were there.”

“Where was this? This story is complete bullshit. You’ve never fucked my wife and I’m tried of you implying that you did.”

He rolls over to his side, and stares at me, “I’m not implying anything. I told you I did. In fact, you were there and watched me fuck her right in front of you after we made the deal.”

“You are FUCKIN’ insane,” I say. I’d sit up, but the room would spin even more and I’d barf everywhere. “If Monica knew about this deal, then why did she get so upset when she saw me inside your wife!?”

“Maybe she just thought you wouldn’t ever fuck my wife because you love her so much. She was just disappointed. But you shouldn’t worry, she won’t divorce you. She knows about the deal. She’ll get over it, then we’ll have lots of fun swinging together.”

“Why the fuck am I even friends with you!? How could you make up this ridiculous story!?” I’m getting so angry, but I can’t move. If I move, I’m done. This couch is done, this carpet is done, this living room is done. I must keep my angry and **** down.

Joey says calmly like I haven’t been yelling at him, “I’m not making anything up. You and Monica and me were all together when we made this deal. We were all REALLY drunk though. Maybe you were blacked out so you don’t remember.”

“Well why don’t you remind me when we made a deal where we could fuck each other’s wives!”

I’m beyond frustrated. I never black out. If I drink too much, I throw up. I don’t black out. At the worst, I have fuzzy memories. Joey is so drunk, he’s just spewing non-sense.

I’ll just let Joey talk, then I’ll kick his ass in the morning.