The Massacre in Lowbie Zone Fifteen

Keif grumbled to himself as he staggered out of the warmth of the guardhouse and into the cold night air, already annoyed by the raucous merriment of his compatriots despite having shared in it only a few moments ago. Why the fuck did he have to take the guard shift? They should just let Lerrin stay out there, the weirdo likes it after all. And why the fuck do they even need the tower manned AT ALL?! It sure as shit wasn't normally manned. But oh noooo, those dumbshit mongrels are preparing for their newest suicide run on the outpost soon and some moron thought it would be funny to try and see if we could kill them all before any of them could even touch the walls. The man grunted as he pulled his overcoat a little tighter. Maybe it was his suggestion. Fuck.

Still, Keif was certain now that it was a waste of time. Why not just wait for them to let out the inevitable howl, open the gate, and then march out and stomp their heads in? The classics are fun, right? Ugh, whatever. Lerrin better appreciate this shit.

The guard stopped under the torch staked at the base of the guard tower, stomping his feet to try and build up warmth as he called up to the shadowed perch. "Lerrin, you piece of shit! You're goddamned relieved, and you'd better be grateful asshole!"

Silence from the perch. Fucking Lerrin. If he fell asleep...

"Lerrin! Come the fuck down moron! I don't want to be up there for even a second with your stinky ass!"

Silence.

"Lerrin, I swear to fuck that if you fell asleep up there, I am going to throw you over the walls."

Silence.

"Ffffffuuuck you, Lerrin. For real."

Cold chased away by his sudden flash of anger, Keif stomped up the tower's spiraling ramp in intensely ill-humor. Shouldering the door open would be dramatic, right? Keif gasped out when his inexpertly aimed shoulder simply bounced off the sturdy doorframe, pain blossoming up his side.

"Lerrin I'm going to END YOU for what you did to my shoulder!"

Eventually the guard managed to fumble the door open with his one good hand, bursting into the small perch to really give that sonnovabitch what he'd earned. Only he wasn't there. The watch tower was totally empty.

Keif stood in the empty perch for a moment, breathing heavily and still angry and now utterly lacking somewhere to direct his rage. He petulantly kicked over a stool, stared at it for a moment, and then realized that didn't achieve anything.

"Lerrin?"

Keif squinted his eyes, trying to work through his emotions and half a night's worth of drinking to figure out what was going on. Was this bad?

"Lerrin, what's going on?"

Maybe this was bad. Keif shuffled over to the observation window, leaning through to see if he could spot the missing watchman. Maybe this was bad.

"Lerrin? Did you fall?"

The answer didn't strike Keif before the stone that whipped out of the tree like struck him square in the chest, the dazed guardsman toppling bonelessly out of the perch and over the walls of the outpost. It was increasingly likely that yes, this was Bad.

It was all black for a while, or who knows how long. Not Keif, that's for fucking sure. But he could smell Lerrin before his vision was even close to coming back, smelly piece of crap. The guard groggily cracked his eyelids open, and then his eyes practically bulged out of their sockets when his situation began to dawn on him. Was he bound and gagged? Was that Lerrin bound and gagged besides him?!

Was he surrounded by fucking MONGRELS?!

Just to add to the insanity, three...uh, three somethings that were decidedly not mongrels loomed over him. And one of the fucking things actually opened its goddamn mouth and spoke like it was a fucking person.

"Two's enough. Don't you think?"

When his fellow weirdo monsters nodded their assent, the freak that had spoken knelt down to address Keif and Lerrin directly.

"Boss Yip-Yap sends his regards."

And then ten mongrels lifted ten rocks over their heads, and everything was black forever.

You almost missed that cheering would be a problem. You hadn't bothered to share more of the plan then "kill a couple guards with these big rocks" to your fellow packmates, because...well, they were idiots at the time. Any more would have been too much, but that would change once they advanced to kobolds, right? The problem was, that didn't leave a lot of time between Phase One and Phase Two of your plan. And if all of that time is taken up by joyous cheers? Shit'll be straight fucked.

You're already desperately shushing your freshly evolved friends when the glow faded from their new bodies, immediately hissing out instructions before they can let themselves be carried away in the moment. "Okay quick, who's a Brute?!"

You only ask to distract them, the answer's obvious on sight. Soup (Supu?) is almost as tall as Gero, and while Fat Face (Shibou?) is only a little taller than you are he's practically cuboid, shaped like a goddamn boulder of muscle and bulk. But asking them to identify themselves keeps everyone engaged and the instructions rolling. "You two are with Gero and Momo! Who has Ranged Proficiency!"

A few hands pop up, about half of the kobolds having formed clad in rather armor with some wooden reinforcement, clearly some class you haven't seen yet. You shove the bows and quivers from the two dead guards into two of their hands at random. "Take the tower and make every shot count! The rest of you, scavenge bows from the fallen if you have an opportunity! Who can scale the back wall with me?"

A hand flicks up, and you don't allow yourself time to be **** that it's Hi-Hi. Your (former?) rival has a distinctly wild appearance compared to his fellow kobolds, the only one to be dressed in thick furs. He casts aside the stone club that his rock transformed into, kneeling down to pluck the knife from the belt of one of the dead guards. He shoots you a distinctly impertinent look, and you decide that maybe you are a little ****. Fuck, time is running low. Gotta keep going.

"The rest of you, pile in when the entrance is cleared! Your whole goddamn lives start tomorrow, but only if we can break them down today. Are you ready?!"

The pack nods as one, eyes wild with new found purpose, and when you throw back your head to let lose a braying howl they join in. And then you dart away to circle to the back of the fort, only able to hope that this would go at all according to plan. If only you'd somehow been able to tell what classes your packmates would have, if only you'd had more time to go over details, if only--

You almost missed that Hi-Hi was following right behind you. Fuck, how is he so quiet? You have to know. "Hi-Hi. What's your class."

The one-time boss answers in a whisper, his rough voice curt. "It's Higen. What's your class."

"Schemer."

"Of course it is. That's you straight down to the ground. You're a fucking schemer, Shh."

You can already hear the roar of excitement as the guards pour out of their bunk house, grabbing their weapons as they prepare to open the gates. This fucking guy. "This is really the discussion you want to have right now?! And it's Shin, Higen."

The surly kobold just gives you a grunt as you reach the rear entrance to the fort. Fucking whatever, you don't have time for bullshit right now. You cup your hands together and face Higen, th kobold wordlessly bounding off of your offered boost to effortlessly scale to the top of the wooden wall. He flips around onto his belly, extending his arm downwards so you can back up, take a small running start and scramble up the sheer surface to catch his hand. It's hardly any effort for him to haul you up, and soon the two of you are perched atop the wall, watching the guards chatter and boast among themselves as they gear up.

Higen hisses at you. "They outnumber us two to one."

You nod, readily your bow.

"They're higher level than us."

"I know."

The wild looking kobold spits. "So your big plan was for us to all get killed?"

"We have the only advantage we need."

"Please, enlighten me, Oh Great Schemer. What is our fucking advantage?"

You hold a finger to your lips, pointing towards the guards. The drink-rowdy humans had finally finished getting ready, a few of them moving to lift the bolt that kept the gate locked. As soon as the heavy wooden board was lifts from its latches, you throw back your head and let loose a piercing howl. Impressively, about half of the guards have the presence of mind to spin around, trying to find the source of the unexpected noise.

But that only means that when Gero and the other two Brutes burst into the outpost, the wooden gate splintering under the monstrous strength of the giant kobolds, they are facing the wrong way. You decide to take a moment for yourself, shooting Higen a self-satisfied look.

"They don't know they're fighting for their lives tonight. We do."

And then you drop down to one knee, readying your bow as you search for clear targets. The Brutes' explosive entrance sent the tightly packed guards sprawling, and now they're scattered all across the grounds. You fluidly notch and arrow and release it straight into the back of a guard who's attempting to rise to his feet as Gero and her partners level grievous blows at the still scrambling humans, Gero with her club and Supu and Shibou with the literal bodies of the two dead lookouts. The two other archers are already taking the high ground of the guard tower, and the rest of your packmates are pouring in to bear down on the stricken guards with their stone clubs. If you were equal opponents, this would be an absolute rout.

But you aren't equal opponents.You've taken them by surprise, but now training and desperation is starting to kick in as the guards strike wildly out. An expertly slash with a shortsword manages to find purchase, opening a wide gash across Shibou's barrel-like gut. The human screams out in victory at what looks to be a mortal wound...only to moan in disbelief as the wound instantly stitches back together. Gero may have complained when Momo said she only wanted heals and buffs before, but now that the little cleric is tucked away behind the wall of Brute, her spells closing wounds and deflecting arrows, you doubt the big female still has complaints.

Not that it is all going perfectly. Two kobolds go down wounded while Momo is busy healing elsewhere. Maybe half of the guards were dead before they could regroup, but now that they have they have the level advantage and you're on even numbers. Or, you thought, until three of the humans drop to the ground. You never noticed Higen dropping down off the wall, but there's your long time rival actually within the ranks of the humans, fearlessly darting in and out to cut targets down at the legs. You put arrows into them before they can rise again.

Another kobold has been sidelined by the time you cautiously lower your bow. Is...did you do it? They're all dead? Confused elation starts to bubble up inside you as the other kobolds start howling in victory. Wait, where's the Conquest pop-up? Why haven't you --

You can only flinch as an arrow whizzes inches past your head, the guard you missed falling stricken to the ground with Higen's thrown knife quivering in his back. You're too shocked to take notice of the sudden orchestra of dings that herald new levels; it doesn't seem like anyone noticed except the two of you. You wave aside the Conquest pop-up as you stare wide-eyed down at the wild kobold. Higen holds your gaze for a long moment, stone-faced as the rest of the pack celebrates around him. And then he spits, turning to skulk off into the bunkhouse.

You swallow hard, giving yourself a shake. Okay. Fuck. Lesson learned: Don't celebrate until the party's begun.

You're not going to ruin the moment for everyone else, though, slipping down from your perch to join the others. Momo immediately bounds over to your, the busty little cleric gleefully throwing herself into your arms. "Shin! Shin, I, I can't believe it! It's amazing, we did it!!"

Gero roars out in laughter, clapping her two fellow bruised and battered Brutes on the shoulders. "You're fuckin' right we did!"

The rest of the pack, wounded but almost delirious in their victory, excitedly look your way. Oh...er, do they think you have a speech? Why in the twelve fucks DON'T you have a speech; you would have normally had the speech before you even had the battle plan! There's no begging off though, you've got everyone's undivided attention now. Even Higen is watching from his position leaning against the bunkhouse door.

Okay. You've got a thousand things to do, and decisions to make, and everything else. Short is best. And you think you know what to say.

"What we did tonight...every mongrel that's come before us has either died trying, or died before they could try. I say it's time we finally claim the prize that each and every one of them wanted, more than anything. Shall we?"

Everyone is on the same page. And so reverently, almost solemnly, but with a deeply held pride, each and every member of the pack drops trow and sets about peeing over every inch of the conquered fort.

From this moment on, you kobolds will have to find your future. But for now, you're going to let the mongrels have their victory.