Second Chance

You stood outside of your old apartment, you'd been plucking up the courage to knock on the door for quite some time now but were still searching for the words. This was your one and only chance to make amends, your only attempt to win back the woman you love, the woman who last you saw looked at you with such disgust, such undisguised contempt. It wasn't her fault that she felt this way, it was her reality regardless of where the truth lay; you had put this pen to paper, your authorship was what she was reading - you couldn't just tipp-ex over the fine print and pretend it wasn't there. It was as true to her as anything else that she could be sure of. You'd have an easier time convincing her that the earth orbits the moon, or that tomorrow comes before yesterday.

Would that it could, then you might have been able to have prevented all of this from happening, you could have never walked into the damned women's changing rooms to begin with, or perhaps explain to her at least some of what was going on. You'd give anything for that to be so, but unfortunately; her truth is the same as times linearity - immutable.

You'd given the therapists words some thought, there was a time and you remembered it sharply where sharing her was a rigid and stalwart NO, that on no uncertain terms would you be reduced to such a deplorable low. But that was then, and this is now, how swiftly principles dance along a breeze, let alone this typhoon of uncertainty that had blown your life into utter disarray. Maybe she would forgive you without accepting your offer? You hoped, prayed for that to be the case even. Your heart was pounding in your chest for what a future with her taking you up on Hina Sato's recommendation might be like for you, who would she even pick? Would she want some stranger, picked up from a sleezy bar or club? Someone she wouldn't have to interact with ever again, someone who could keep a secret - or... Would she want someone who she knew? Someone that she could trust not to take advantage of her, someone she felt safe with, someone she was sure wouldn't give her an STI or step over her boundaries?

That last thought terrified you, because Stacy only had one friend and one friend alone that could fit that latter profile.

Shaking your head, you trusted Stacy, she wasn't the kind of girl who sought one night stands; she had to love the partner she was with in order to have sex with them and had told you as much early on in your relationship when you had been anxious about your third date, ultimately being let down by her because it was too soon for her. You had been let down at first by this, but as time went on you grew to appreciate it as a true blessing - it meant that you knew her love for you was real, when she first suggested sex for the first time it had been magical, the heightened emotions for when it was right for both of you far outshined anything like the awkward, unfulfilling sex you would have had otherwise. That love that she shared with you, it was now dangling precariously on a fine thread that could snap at any minute - but it wasn't over yet, you still had a chance.

Resolving yourself you pick yourself off the wall and walk with some purpose over to the door, raising your fist to knock on it you were all but inches away from knuckle to wood when you hear the doors lock go and open up suddenly to reveal a startled Stacy, her face pale but something told you that it wasn't just out of surprise. She looked awful, baggy black rings, reddened bloodshot eyes, dry skin around her mouth and nose like she had a cold or something - but still the most beautiful woman you'd ever seen, it hurt you to see her this way, and to know that you were the reason.

"Stacy please, can we talk? I'm so sorry, please just-" You felt a tear fall down your cheek uncontrollably, you expected her to shout you down, to slam the door in your face or slap your cheek followed by some choice explicative; but she merely looked away followed by a short, depressed nod. Your heart was doing summersaults, half relief and half worried. Was she giving you a chance to get back with her, or was she just seeking closure on a decision she had already committed to? Moving aside you entered the door, wiping the few stray tears from your face, turning to face her when she closed the doors you realized you must have looked just as worse for wear as she was, and as guilty as a mutt besides a strewn garbage bag.

"I'm so sorry Stacy, I'm an idiot, an asshole, a piece of shit! I hate myself, not because I am those things but because I hurt you; the person I love more than anything and everything... I-I, I went to see the therapist and they, they said that I owed you an explanation, that any questions you h-have, I am here to answer for them." You struggled to not give into your emotions, but it wasn't about you. Hina's words continues to echo inside your head, this was all about Stacy. Your girlfriend, ex girlfriend you corrected, the morbid thought coming unbidden, looked at you in the eyes for the first time since answering the door, she looked angry, sad, confused and many more things, you could see that she was fighting her own battles, deciding on where to even begin; this web was woven with some depth to it that landing on a decisive rung wasn't coming easy. After some time she opened her mouth.

"Why?" The word came out quiet and hoarse, completely unlike the Stacy that you knew, filled with pain and betrayal. "Why Nova, my only friend? Why her..." She was crying, but there was no moisture left to cry with, a fact that haunted you and made you feel about as big as the roach that you were. You couldn't tell her the truth, Hina had explicitly called for you to validate her feelings and to offer recompense after - now was not a time to detail Nova's bullying, her trickery, her ulterior goal of stealing her away from you - now was a time to give her the power you had stolen from her back.

"I was.. Curious." You found yourself saying, your face numb with shock, self loathing and resignation to the words that you **** yourself to utter. "I promise it was just unrequited curiosity, it was never anything more than that."

"Then that time where you exposed yourself to her, was that just 'curiosity' as well?" She asked with a gut wrenching twist to it.

"N-no, that was just." You trailed off

"Just what, Alex? To 'prove your manhood' right? Were you doing that when you were spying on Nova taking a shower, is that it? Do you think I'm a fucking idiot?"

Your instinctive response was to deny her allegations, but then again those words from your therapist stopped you. This was your one chance, your one and only chance to make things right, you were damn well sticking to the script.

"Y-you're right, it wasn't just about my manhood, I was also... Excited by it, the way she humiliates and teases me, I-I guess on some level, maybe it's because of my past or because of who I am; I sought out my own deprecation. You've done nothing but lift me up, and like a fucking moron" You punch yourself in the face, an act that shocked you more than it did Stacy who held out her arm to stop you instinctively "I sought out someone who would bring me back down! I never loved her... it was never her, it was me. All along, it was just me that was fucked up." You knew that the goal was just to validate her feelings, the truth of which wasn't material - nevertheless you hurt under the weight of your own words, for they were the truth that you refused to reckon with. You made to punch yourself again but Stacy stopped you.

"Stop this Alex!" Stacy cried out, grabbing your arm before you could connect for a second time, in a heap of emotions you knelt to the ground with her as you sobbed uncontrollably, apologizing between gasps of air and wrestling with the weight of what you'd done. It wasn't supposed to be like this, Stacy as hurt as she was, as you had inflicted upon her was the one comforting you, holding you like a stricken bird in the palm of her hands. The roles were utterly reversed, this was about her god damn it... You hated yourself even more deeply than before you'd walked through the door. All of that commitment to keep to a script, and here you were; on your knees being comforted by the one you were meant to be comforting. But it wasn't too late for that.

"I-I know I've hurt you Stacy, I know I can never make it right for what I've done." You wipe the tears away and look at her concerned face. "But please know that I'll never stop loving you, and if it's for you I'll do anything, anything to keep you. Without you I would just..." You left the words unsaid, you didn't want to burden her with the truth of it all. "I don't deserve you, I betrayed your trust and and humiliated you more than anything Nova could ever do to me, I'm a piece of shit and you have every right to hate me, my heart is in ruins without you and I regret every single moment since that night Nova first came round. I hate how I locked myself away from you and never spoke about anything, I hate how I sabotaged my own happiness because I felt like I deserved to feel bad, I hate how I can't help but give in to her provocations, I hate how I am, I hate..." You never took your eyes off of her, what she looked like or the reaction she was giving you; you couldn't tell, her visage was obscured by heavy tears that fell endlessly and with no signs of stopping.

It was the first time you had been this **** with her, with anyone actually. Your time as an orphan had sealed your emotions from quite a young age, you had to be stoic or else others would prey on you for showing weaknesses. You felt like you had to be the only one to deal with your emotions, that it wasn't ok to burden others with what you were feeling. Your entire life had conditioned you to be this way, all of society and every experience - you were meant to be an island of your own. But that was why you were in this mess to begin with, wasn't it? Your wall that kept out danger had also trapped you inside along with the trojan horse named Nova, and the realization of which came far too late to be of use.

"Please, don't hate me, not you. Not you." You repeated, keeling over on yourself, your forehead bowed against the floorboards, the thought of Stacy looking at you like she had that night at the pool, with such disgust and contempt, your heart couldn't stand this feeling, this life ending guilt ridden pang that arrested you such that you could barely stand to look at her. What did she think of you now, you wondered? A man so incapacitated, so inconsolable and weak like you; she must be grossed out, or maybe even satisfied that she could hurt you in return. That thought stabbed you through the middle, but if it was for her sake... You'd allow her to hurt you, to do what she wanted, anything to mend what you had broken.

Stretching back up with some trouble, you looked down at your hands, your face must look an absolute sight right now but you had to see this through.

"Please, hit me, call me names, h-hurt me. But please, p-please don't hate me." You sounded just as quiet and hoarse as she did now, the room was silent save for the dim buzz of the refrigerator. Your sobs had subsided and there were no more tears to fall, and you daren't look up at her face. It was like there was an invisible guillotine above your head, and if you looked at her face now; you'd know whether it was falling or not.

You felt a shaky hand on your shoulder, unsure but comforting beyond measure, like being handed a flask of water stranded out at sea. Your body instinctively lent into her touch like a lifeline, as if without it you would be lost. And you would be, without her; you had no purpose nor reason to exist.

"Alex, look at me." Stacy spoke softly, kindly, the voice of an angel. You tried to look up at her but the pain from the inevitable was tearing your heart into two, you knew that your apology and your reasons weren't enough; that you had failed to stick to the script, that all if this had just amounted to you being selfish again.

"Y-you can cheat on me." You found yourself saying. "I stole your confidence, it's only right that you regain it. I'll do anything for you sweetheart, so please, don't leave me." You finished, glad that you could at least make it about her at the end there. You waited for her rejection on baited breath, you knew it was coming and you knew that you weren't prepared for it - the only woman for you, and she didn't want you. And it was all your fault.

However, expecting to be asked to leave; you instead felt two hands cup your tear stained cheeks. Being **** to look up at your equally emotional girlfriend who gently knelt forward to encapsulate your lips in a kiss, it was a brief kiss in reality; however it served you several lifetimes in value. You clung to her like an abandoned puppy, grabbing at her sides as she comfortingly held your face in her gentle kiss.

"You should have told me you felt this way" She parted, looking up at you sadly. You could still see that she was hurt, but whatever you'd said - you honestly can't remember; it'd all gushed out like a damn had been lifted - whatever it was; it had worked.

"I love you too, Alex." The words brought forth tears in reserve you hadn't even known were there; both of you actually. "Never do this to me again, ever ever again. Communicate with me, don't just... Hurt yourself like that, please baby." You hugged her to you and comforted her for the rest of the night, whispering sweet nothings into her ear, showing her the love and support that she should have always been shown. You had no idea how you'd done it; but there was one thing you were certain of; Hina Sato's words were now law as far as you were concerned. She had led you back to Stacy in a way you were certain would be impossible without her guidance - though her methods seemed strange to you, you were convinced to defer to her in all matters of your relationship from now on.