Scarlet Wars (Part 2: Meeting the Neighbors)

Written in collaboration with Cross C

Back at the domicile of Maximoff, Wanda was just doing her wifely duties of cleaning up the kitchen with a spring in her step when the gal heard a gay knock at the door.

“Knock knock!” Said a womanly voice through the wood as Wanda crossed the living room to open up the door. Standing just outside for just a moment, a brassy woman burst in through the door. Leaving Wanda to be astounded at the stranger’s ability to just breeze right into her home, while also leaving a strange man standing there at the doorway as well. “Hello, my dear! I’m Agnes, your neighbor to the right! My right, not yours. Forgive me for not stopping by sooner to welcome you to the block, my mother-in-law was in town... so I wasn’t!”

The audience laughed at the woman’s joke, and can-do attitude for a 50s gal, but Wanda wasn’t quite sure what to make of the woman. And she certainly had no idea what to make of the man she’d left at the door.

Greyscale tartan dress, cute bouffant hairdo, and an ability to waltz in and own the room. What a loveable and endearing character to be her neighbor! Perhaps there would be ups and downs, or a full on spin-off revolving around her one day! But then came the man, he was a bit younger than the woman, looking rather stoic and unmoving. Almost reminding Wanda of Vision when he was first starting to learn how to be a human. His hair was combed back, his shirt neatly on his body even if his necktie looked so tight it could be **** the lad, and his demeanour screamed ‘needs a coffee to start the day’ level of zombie that Wanda could respect. His eyes never really meeting Wanda’s as he wobbled gently in the wind, like the plant he was holding.

Oh, and… and there was a bulge. A rather large bulge. Almost hard to tell around the potted tillandsia in his hands, but once Wanda noticed it then it became rather hard to not notice it. And then it became rather hard not to imagine what that thing would look like. What it would smell like. What it would feel-

“So! What’s your name? Where’re you from? Most importantly, how’s your bridge game, hon?” Agnes asked, plopping down on Wanda’s couch with little care for courtesy.

“I-I’m Wanda…” She said timidly, still looking up and down the man in the doorway with confusion, “and you are…?”

“Hm?” Agnes asked, thinking she’d already named her character but then finally remembering the man she’d left behind, “Oh! You mean Mark! That’s just my husband, what a dear old thing. He was just off to his own work but offered to help bring over your new plant. Isn’t that right, Mark?”

“Yes dear.”

His voice was droning, and the way he handed the plant to the witch reminded Wanda of a puppet on a string. Then, as soon as she’d taken the lovely gray tillandsia from the boy, he turned on his heel and walked out away from the living room. Wanda watched Mark march back his tuchus to his own domicile, perhaps he was a work from home kinda man…

“That boy treats me right…” Agnes sighed happily, “except in the evenings, but I can tell ya, a girl don’t always wanted to be treated right! Am I right?!”

Whooping and whistling from the studio audience certainly seemed to agree. Though Wanda had never really been treated wrong or right by Vision in that situation. Ever since they came to Westview…

“Though I guess a single girl like you has had her fair share of troubles?” Agnes asked, guiding Wanda to come sit beside her on the couch.

“I’m not single.”

“Well, I don’t see no ring…”

Wanda instinctively covered her hand, “I can assure you, I am married. To a man. A human man! He’s tall and we have a special something planned for tonight with his, um…”

“His meaty flute? His slippery knob? His… big ol yard stick?” Agnes joked to the audience’s delight.

It was embarrassing, but Wanda couldn’t deny her strange excitement at the idea of having sex with her husband. The man she’d pined for in her days on the Avengers Compound, the brave man that had protected her, and kept her safe while she went on the run from the government. They’d been through more than most, but this was their life together now and she was going to enjoy her reward to the fullest. She couldn’t help but have her cheeks fill with gray blood at the double entendres.

“Perhaps… though I’m not sure it’ll still happen tonight.” Wanda sighed wistfully. “I’ve never known Vis to have cold feet… though I guess he doesn’t have warm feet either?”

“Honeymoon jitters?” Agnes asked with a shaking tut to her sassy head, “Can’t say I can relate. Not to brag but that Mark’s can be such a stallion it makes my stable feel like a meek little fawn, if you catch my drift!” The studio did, even if Wanda got lost mid-metaphor, “But he wasn’t always like that, dear. If a man loses his fire you have to grab him by the reigns and SHOW him what he’s fighting for!”

“A-am I the farmer in this now?”

“If that’s what he’s into!” Agnes insisted, playfully slapping Wanda’s arm with a cackling laugh, “Though I can’t say I understand why he would lose the spring in his step with a doll like you around! Such a pretty face, with a perfect demeanour…” Agnes made Wanda smile genuinely, to which the audience ‘awww’d, “...and not to mention such a great set of cans!”

Wanda had almost forgot she’d fluffed up her chest this morning. Creamy cleavage on full display for all to see, she wondered if that was what Mark had been staring at and failing to look her in the eyes earlier…

“Just trust in your body and I’m sure you can set a fire in any man’s heart!”

“Yes, Vision’s 'heart'…” Wanda awkwardly coughed, though the sentiment wasn’t completely lost on her either. Something was making the core of the witch’s being feel so insanely excited at the prospect of sex. Was it her body clock telling her to have kids before it was too late? Or was something about this quaint town of Westview blooming the desire to live a normal life as soon as possible?

Either way, one thing was clear. “You’re right, Agnes! Our special night is tonight, and I’m sure Vis is just as excited as I am!”

“That’s right! You go girl!” Agnes clapped along with the audience, “Hmm, maybe I can help the new gal…? Say, I was just reading a crackerjack magazine article called ‘How to Treat Your Husband to Keep Your Husband.’ Let me tell you-- what my ex-husband Ralph could have really used is ‘How to Goose Your Wife so You Don’t Lose Your Wife!’”

Wanda couldn’t help but giggle at the word play, feeling a sense of camaraderie forming between Agnes and herself, even if the other woman was already jumping up to rush out the room quickly, “Hang on, I’ll go grab it and we can start planning! Oh, this is going to be a gas!”

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“There we go, Norm! One stack of computational documents, all analysed and compiled for you.”

Suffice to say, he’d taken well to his new job at Computational Services Inc.™ Vision placed the workload of sheets on the desk of Norm. A workload that would take one man a whole week to complete, all done before the first era-mandated coffee break of the day. Needless to say, the Norm was stunned.

“Amazing! It’s like you’re some sort of machine!” His coworker gawped, still having to work through his own comically sized stack of sheets.

“I most certainly am not!” The machine protested, much to the audience’s delight.

Norm thought nothing of it, taking the sheets and putting them in the correct filing cabinet, “Easy bud! I was just saying our productivity at this company has risen over 300% since you arrived!”

Scratching his chin, Vision could only bemuse the entire establishment, “Yes… yes, and what is it that our company produces?”

“I’m unsure what you mean.”

“Well. You know, our product! The reason we’re working on all these data sheets?”

“The data is to raise productivity!” Norm beamed, tilting his head in concern to the new tall worker, “What’s eating your bonnet?”

With a belligerent frown, Vision shook his head, “Oh, I don’t know, Norm. I suppose I was just thrown off by my morning… if I may, how would you describe the residents of Westview?”

The data worker just tilted his head, “How do you mean? Westview is the happiest place on Earth! Just ask anyone!”

“Well, I suppose one could describe them all as happy…” The android admitted, scratching his synthetic chin, “But is that all that bothered me? My mind can’t help but see a piece of this town… misaligned. I’m struggling to even remember why we came here…”

“Didn’t you leave the big city to live a private life?” Said Norm, earning a slight raised eyebrow from Vision before he added, “That’s what you said in your interview!” A hand raised up showing the exact piece of paper transcript from Vision’s interview saying just as Norm had described. The audience found it hilarious, the android found it disturbing until the man put it down, “So if you love the town, what’s really the matter, Vision?”

Snapping out of his mind’s spiral, Vision sighed, “If I am to admit it then it feels like there was something special about today that I have completely forgotten… that darn heart over today’s date… and yet, Wanda’s actions today were also strange. I swear, I think I heard her say something about wanting a child!”

Another big ‘OOOO’ from the audience caused the conversation to take a momentary pause.

“Well, that’s a good thing, right?” said Norm, happily patting the taller man on the shoulder, “You’re not getting younger!”

“Technically I’m not getting older either…”

“What was that?”

Vision looked at the human after his mumble, “Oh, nothing.”

“Maybe the heart above the calendar WAS for lovemaking your wife?”

“You see, that’s what Wanda said too, but I can’t for life of me remember-”

“Come on Vis!” He beamed, slapping the robot on the shoulder, “Why do you even need a reason to take a bite of the ol’ love peach?! I know I’d call in sick and wrestle with a gal as fine as yours all night if I could! Better than being single and looking into neighbor’s windows like me on a Saturday night!”

Flabbergasted didn’t even begin to describe his synthetic feelings, “Norm! That is so very inappropriate! What has-?”

Just then the pow-wow with his coworker came to an abrupt stop, as their boss’ office door opened. Quickly they returned to their perpendicular grey desks and began typing away on their rotary calculators lest they be punished for dilly dallying.

“Vision! Just the man I wanted to see.” The portly man with a balding head declared, stepping the grand two paces over to the new salaryman’s desk.

He’d have spat his coffee out in surprise, if he had any or could drink coffee. “Sir! Yes, I should probably have come to you first about Norm’s strange behaviour today. I hope my work has been satisfactory.”

“Yes, yes. I’m sure your productivity has been well above standard,” The man dismissed, “I more wanted to talk to you about dinner tonight.”

It then dawned on the android like a bolt from heaven, “Mr. Hart! You’re the one on the calendar, we’re supposed to be hosting you!”

“Yes, it is usually a right of passage for any new employee, though I’m afraid I cannot do tonight anymore.”

Vision was slightly taken aback, thinking this was the grand plot of the episode his life was living and a bit weirded out that it seemed to have changed. “Oh! Well… I suppose that’s a realllll-shame! Big shame. My wife certainly had human food prepared and ready… so much food, yes…”

Mr Hart gave the strange man a lowered eyebrow, “Yes… well, my new wife has decided that she’d prefer to give everyone in the company a blowjob today.” He explained, guiding him to look over at the queue of people lining up to the conference room’s left entrance, all while a series of satisfied looking men were exiting the right exit. A true conveyer belt of satisfaction. “I’m sure you understand, she’ll be absolutely full to the brim on the work ****’s semen.”

“I say!” Vision protested, “I really don’t know if this kind of lockerroom sex is appropriate for this sterile workplace, sir!”

“Ahh, don’t be such a stick in the mud, Vision! This isn’t the 40s anymore,just consider it a bonus for working so hard!”

“Yeah, Vision! Don’t you want to have a blowjob by the boss’ wife?” Norm happily tagged in.

An impressive slap landed on the android's shoulder, “'Course he does! Any hot blooded American with excitement in his veins would never turn down free fellatio!” The usually serious man tightened his eyes at him, “You do HAVE emotions, right Vision?”

“C-certainly sir! Perfectly simulated emotions down to the nanometer.”

Once more his frown returned, “I… suppose I’m glad to hear it. We’ll reschedule our dinner appointment for another day, but for now I insist you get in line for my wife! And if you don’t, you’re fired! Isn’t that right, Jones?”

Turning, they all gazed upon a sad moustached man who was carrying a box full of office items in his arms. “I thought five rounds would be enough…”

“Best of luck on the unemployment line there, Jones!” Mr Hart cavalierly yelled, earning a chuckle from the audience as Jones plodded out the door with a head hung in shame. “And best of luck with my wife, Vision! Treat her well!”

As his portly boss waltzed off with his sizeable gut jiggling around, Vision was stuck to the spot in worry.

Though his mind was primarily constructed by the late Tony Stark, a human hating Ultron and a mind controlled Helen Cho were the two that had actually created Vision's body. As anyone can assume, this meant the lack of one very important part of his anatomy required for the job of blowing. He never thought he'd needed it with Wanda, but this town seemed far more charged with pelvic sorcery than the synthezoid had expected. If he didn't perform satisfyingly sexually with the boss' wife then he'd surely be fired from his job.

Without anything else to do, Vision inadvertently look towards the camera to perform an action he had never performed before:

A single and very audible gulp.