RUN!

Half an hour later I am on the road with Halcyon receding in my rear view mirror. Ahead of me the highway stretches into infinity, my next adventure beckoning. Rapid City. Find a job. Sleep in the car until I find a place, if I can’t find some playful lass who might share a bed that is. More sights, more fun, more adventures, new experiences and NO responsibilities. Nothing to worry about but myself and my one phone call a day. And when things got tough or complicated, like they inevitably did, I run along to the next town down the road.

Despite the call of the highway and my mental hype up my eyes continue to flit toward the rear view and the shrinking twin titans of Halcyon. After another mile I finally find the nerve to look at the binder sitting on the passenger seat beside me.

Shaking my head I whisper. “Why did she do that?”

I knew the answer of course. If my initial suspicion was right Mei had used looking up the values of the cards as an excuse to draw me back to the store today. Leaving that binder on my car was an emphatic retraction of that invitation. It was a polite way of saying ‘don’t come around her anymore, there’s nothing for you here’. And that little quip in the letter, ‘I don’t need junk cluttering up my shop’, she couldn’t have been more clear that I was the junk she was really referring to.

I’d struck out with girls more times than I could count but never had I experienced the absolute devastation I had with Mei. God how I wish she could have remained as the alluring mystery woman, that beautiful ‘what if’ I could fantasize about for years to come. But no. I had to go and try turn fantasy into reality. I had to go and hurt her. Time and again the image of her in that placid mask after I asked her about siblings, the way she’d closed up just when she was starting open, overlaid with the memory of the achingly beautiful moment I first saw her crying. She hadn’t ranted or raved or even let the hurt show, but I knew I had pierced her heart. Why that bothered me so profoundly I could not figure out. I barely knew her. The mistake was an honest one. All she’d done is give me some cards. And she was just another girl!!! Why!? GAH! Why was this getting to me!? None of this made any sense. That mystery alone was enough to make me flee like a spooked rabbit. Something wasn’t right about Halcyon and the more miles I put between me and it the safer I would be.

‘Give it some time.’ My mother’s soft voice stirs up from our call last night. ‘Give it a chance. It’s going to be okay.’

With the miles flowing past the binder with it’s bright sticky note letter incessantly pricks at my consciousness. I push the accelerator down. I blast the stereo. I try and focus on the adventure waiting for me. And still that damned, stupid binder full of worthless cards of long retired players continued to draw me back. Staring again at the note, admiring the precise blocky writing, I begin to doubt.

“Why did she do that? Why give this to me? She didn’t have to do anything. She could have just taken my money or ignored me altogether.”

Maybe…this wasn’t her rescinding the invitation. Maybe it was never an invitation but simply what she said it was. Unlike me, maybe she meant what she said and said what she meant instead of playing games with her words. Maybe she gave these to me as a kind gesture to the town newcomer. Or perhaps she really did want the clutter gone from her shop. Or, just maybe, she sympathized with my affection for my sibling and wanted to be a part of it. Or maybe…it was something else. A smile plays at the corners of my lips as I remember Mei’s commanding touch and those precious little glimpses of amusement and attraction that I KNEW I’d seen in her, despite how much she tried to hide them.

Letting out a self-deprecating laugh I mutter. “No man’s solved that riddle. So why the hell would she want a shaggy stray tomcat like me?” Despite my question the smile wasn’t going away. “Why? Because I AM the man. The man of hour. The tower of power. Too sweet to be sour!” I shake my head. “Stop! She thinks you’re a joke. She thinks…”

Just then my phone rings to snap me out of the spiral. It was Barb. Staring at it a moment I consider ignoring it. With a sigh I resign myself to doing what I had to do. I take a deep breath and ready myself for the conversation to come. It was just a job. She was just a boss. Easy come, easy go. I answer the phone on speaker. “Barb…”

“Hey kid.” She greets me in the little pause between me saying her name and me resigning. “It’s grocery day. When you get back I need you to take me down to the grocery store.”

“Barb…”

“And now that I got your strong back we can stock up a bit. They got a sale on toilet rolls, no limits, and we’re gonna buy as much as we can fit into that car of yours!” She chuckles. “Hope you got tie downs because we’re loading up your roof as well. Where you at, boy? I was hoping to go before checkout time.”

“I’m, uh…I’m…” My eyes drift to the binder. The focus on that prefect little ‘M’. ‘Give it a chance.’ Barb needed my help. Was I really going to leave her now? I think not! Fuck it! What the hell did I have to lose? The best thing about the coward’s way is that it’ll always an option when I need it. As if I had reached the end of a bungee cord the draw of Halcyon yanks me back again. “I’m on my way back now, Barb. See you soon.”

“See ya soon.”

“And Barb.”

“Mm?”

“You are BEAUTIFUL!”

“Ha!” She chortles. “Maybe we oughta stop by the optometrist’s while we’re out.”

As soon as she hangs up I slam on the brakes and whip the old SUV into a 180 handbrake turn, sending the binder and the rest of my stuff tumbling all over the cab, then burn rubber back into town. For the first time since I’d left Athens…I was taking a backward step. Been there, done that. So why did it felt like a leap into the unknown? Both hands on the wheel and radio blaring once more I am grinning from ear to ear as I fly back to town.