Drunk off her ass.

You leave the book on your desk and go to see what's up. At the bottom of the stairs your mother is grinning up at you in her frilly apron, her long blonde hair in disarray, her glasses perched precariously on the tip of her nose..

"There's my Hyrum!' she says. "Are you hungry?"

"I haven't finished my essay yet," you confess.

"Essay?" She asked, confused. "Did I punish you fer sumpin? I mussa done tha' when I was sober. I'm sush a big ol meanie when I'm sober! I'm sorry Hy-Hy! Can you forgive your meanie mommy? I'm naw sober no more!"

"You've been drinking?" You ask, incredulous.

"Course I'ma drinkin'!" She exclaims. " When I cooks I drinks! I'msa good Lasser may... I'm a good latsersay... I'm a Mormons! Strong drinks iss a bleshiing! Come a dinner! Less get bleshed!"

You don't know what else to do, so you descend the stairs and follow your mom as she weaves towards the dining room.

Your older sister Cami is already there and is drinking red wine from a crystal goblet. There are three big bottles of red wine in the center of the table, along with a couple smaller bottles of liqueurs. You've never seen anything like this on your dinner table before.

"Camilla Rose Peterson!" Your mom exclaims. "We habben said the bleshiing!"

Cami rolls her eyes.

"Come on mom! This is just my second glass an' yer already drunk!"

"Thas' cuz I cooked dinner an I'm the mom!" Mom explains. "Now say the blessings so we can drinks! I mean eat. An drink. An drink s'mores!"

"Fine!" Cami says, brushing a blonde curl out of her face, then gestures impatiently at you to sit. You do so and she crosses her arms and bows her head. "Heavenly Father, we thank the for strong drink, which you have blessed us with so we can chill and our sphincters won't be so tight. Pleaae bless us that we may hold our liquor and not puke. Please help us to remember to love one another and not be so bitchy and stuff just because somebody didn't wait for the blessing. Oh, and please bless the food. In Jesus name, Amen."

"Amen!" Mom exclaims.

"A...men?" You agree.

"I put out aperitif glasses for the chartreuse!" Mom exclaims. "I thought we could get fancy while your dad is out!"

And thus begins the most pleasant family dinner you ever remember having. Mom and Cami are really fun drunks! You never would have guessed. But they're both delightful company once they're souced. Mom didn't do nearly as good a job with dinner as you're used to, but who cares? Everyone is actually chill for once!

And you quickly decide you like wine. And chartreuse. But mostly, you like getting drunk with your mom and sister. Cami starts telling a rambling story about two girls she works with. Or maybe three. It's hard to follow. But who cares? You refill her glass and your mom's and open the third bottle of wine.

"Sussh a good boy my Hymrum!" Mom exclaims, gulps and then holds out for a refill before he sets the bottle down.

There's a knock at the front door.

"Wuz anyone suspec...espec...esteking some busy anyone?" Mom asks.