Improving Elf/Human Relations

Okay, so real talk: How do you tell if you're being mind controlled? Because Google was basically useless. You even Binged that shit. You Binged it. If that doesn't illustrate how nervous the whole situation makes you, nothing else could.

Because look, you've had some thoughts about Aisha that could possibly be construed as falling further and further under her spell? But they could also just be your natural, lizard brain reaction to an objective smoke show. It's not weird to think a hot person is hot, even if they're promising to turn you and your friends into full-on brainwashed slaves. Or maybe that would be weird for most people? But not for you, because you're Ashley Goddamn Price and you have something of a depraved relationship with temptation.

Most people would probably agree that, by all outside appearances, you are quite the disciplined individual. But that doesn't mean you don't have temptation. Frankly, you've noticed a tendency of yours to revel in it. You take your monogamous self to shows and let a stampede of scene hotties take their best shot at flirting with you. You keep clotted cream in your refrigerator, just so you can take it out and stare at it after a long session at the gym. You spend every day surrounded by blissful moo cows as they lounge and gush and cum, and all the while a little voice giggles in the back of your mind that all it would take is a few words and a gulp of milk to join them in their blissful, fat-titted euphoria.

You know all too well that a significant part of you wants all of those things. And maybe a normal person would try to avoid them as a result. But not you. You want to press your nose up against the thin window between you and Temptation, fog up the glass with your breath and use it to scrawl out 'Fuck You' and a crude doodle of a penis. One day that impulse might be your downfall, but for now it makes you feel powerful. It might actually just straight-up make you powerful.

So yeah, maybe your nasty little fantasies about Aisha are just You being You. But you can't deny the possibility that they aren't. And it's driving you crazy. Which, coincidentally, was one of Bing's suggestions about why you might think you're being mind controlled.

It's not even outside of the realm of possibility that this is all just a mundane, non-magical Mind Screw on Aisha's part. That she isn't doing anything to your minds, but now that you're all distracted by the thought she is going to attack somewhere. You've been plucking at the Gordian Knot of the girl's mind games so intently that you made no productive use of your negotiated half-day truce and are on track to waste nearly all of today as well. Eventually, you **** yourself to stop worrying about all the ways Aisha might be fucking with you and just try to defend against the way she told you she's fucking with you. Being brain-blasted is certainly the most intimidating possibility, after all. And, because your life is patently absurd, magical attacks are a threat you can actually do something about.

And now, after hours of deep study and careful consideration, you emerge from the back room of the barn with a triumphant look and the Book in hand. You might have a solution.

Not that anyone notices your grand entrance, someone blunting the impact. Jenny and Rhys are training again, the elf prince shirtless and your friend stripped down to her shorts and sports bra, and always draws a crowd. Sweat drips down their toned bodies as they circle one another in a tense dance, the martial scene only somewhat deflated by the brightly colored tubes of foam they each wield. After Jenny put a bat halfway through a tree trunk during their last session, a permanent switch to a pool noodles-only practice was decided on. Abundance of caution, and all that.

There's no question that Rhys has the advantage in skill and experience, but Jenny's natural insight and unnatural physical prowess have steadily closed that gap. The light welts on both of their bodies are evidence of that. Jenny ultimately makes the first move, pressing forward as she tests Rhys with a series of quick noodle slaps. The prince parries with a practiced sidestep, circling around Jenny rather than allowing himself to be harried backwards as his faux weapon darts in low for an attack of his own. The crowd gasps as Jenny pistons a leg up and down with astonishing agility, stomping down hard on the prince's bright green armament to disarm him. Then it's all over, Rhys has been knocked to the flat of his back and Jenny's red pool noodle is pressed lightly against his chest.

The crowd groans sympathetically for Rhys and cheers in congratulations for Jenny, offering both warriors a round of applause as the two of them grin at one another and catch their breath. Then Jenny tosses her noodle to one side, leaning over to offer Rhys her hand. "Well now I do regret that we didn't bet on this."

Rhys clasps the girl's hand gratefully. "Next time, listen to your teacher when he tells you that he thinks you can win."

"Why should I listen to that guy? I just beat him up."

The prince laughs at that as Jenny hauls him to his feet, both still a little out of breath and suddenly standing very close to one another. Jenny's heaving breasts are dangerously close to brushing against Rhys's sculpted chest as the two stare at one another. Is the faint flush tingeing her neck and his ears just from exertion, or is it...? This time, it's Rhys who makes the first move. "Even if we didn't bet, you deserve a reward. Let me buy you dinner."

Jenny blinks at that, then offers the boy a teasing quirk of her lips. "I don't know. I already owe you a new magic sword; I'm not sure I want to be further in debt to royalty."

"Shattering priceless heirlooms is sort of like an apéritif in my culture; we can just fold that into the whole deal."

"Oh really? How interesting~..." She looks as if she's going to say something else, but then she finally spots you behind the crowd of Woo Girls. "Oh! Hey! Did you..." She trails off as she realizes she's still holding Rhys's hand, releasing the prince with an awkward clearing of her throat before trying again. "Um, yeah. Did you find anything?"

Ahha! It's finally your turn to shine! You puff yourself up importantly, holding the Book out in front of you. "Oh, I should say so! After some serious and intense study, I've..."--Blah, all the Woo Girls are leaving; books apparently aren't as fun as duels. Only Buzz and her boyfriend are left, and they are straight up in the Bone Zone right now. Just take a lesson from them and keep plowing on--"...um, I've found a way to counteract any sort of magic Aisha might have placed on us. Or any hostile magic at all!"

Your remaining audience is an engaged one, at least. Isabelle immediately sets aside the GED prep booklets she'd been grading, peering at you excitedly through her black, thick-framed glasses. "Really?! That's amazing! God, I can't wait to shove this in Aisha's face!"

Jenny clearly agrees. "What is it? Do we need to cast a new spell or something?"

This is the part you're proudest of. "No, see, we don't even need to cast a new spell. All we have to do is draw power from a spell that's already in place, hold onto it for a few moments, and then send it right back! It's almost like magical chemotherapy or something; we use the power to burn away harmful spells, but in a small enough amount and for a short enough time to avoid side effects. That sounds good, right?"

Isabelle makes no disguise of her pleasure, wrapping her arms around your shoulders to purr into your ear. "You're so smart, Ash. This is going to be great."

Jenny,however, is a bit more circumspect. "Well, what's the spell that we'd be drawing from?"

"The Ardor!

...

......what?"

"I'm seriously like seventy five percent sure it would work, though!"

Jenny stares flatly at you through the driver's side window, clearly unmoved by your final attempt at convincing her before she pulls out of your driveway and heads home. "Next time you have an idea, double check to make sure it doesn't involve us being transformed into sex monsters. Because that's something of a deal breaker for me."

"Ugh. Fine. Goodnight."

"'Night." She straightens back around, putting her car into reverse as she calls out a bit too-casually. "'Night, Rhys."

The elf prince brightens as Donna practically vibrates in the background in a vain attempt to conceal her deep excitement. "Goodnight, Jenny!"

You think Donna might actually implode inward like a neutron star as Jenny backs out of your driveway, so intense is her glee. When she finally whirls back around, though, the queen's voice sounds of nothing but perfect sisterly innocence. "Oh, Rhys! We should be good house guests; why don't you go check the mail for Ash?"

Rhys glances your way, and you decide to play along with Donna's less-than-subtle maneuvering. "Uh, yeah. That would be a big help. Thanks, Rhys."

"Oh, my pleasure!"

With that, the prince starts down your long driveway towards your mailbox. As soon as he's far enough away for Donna's taste, the girl spins around and grabs you by both shoulders. "Omigod, Ash, Rhys and Jenny omigod!"

You reflexively attempt to recoil out of her grip, only to find she suddenly has the strength of a thousand elves. "Whoa, hold on Donna! I mean yes, I'm also pretty sure they were flirting, but we really should take it slow and give them-"

Donna cuts you off. "Yes! Omigod, yes, of course you're right. I'm getting waaaay ahead of myself." She releases you with an exhale of breath, allowing you to lightly massage your throbbing arms as she does her best to project a serious air. "Right then! How do we set up formal engagements in your world?"

"Well we don't really wait, did you say engagement?"

"Uh, yeah? They're perfect for each other!" She darts forward and grabs your poor shoulders again, suddenly nervous. "Wait, do I need to sell you on Rhys a bit more? He's the best!"

You do your best to slip out of her grasp before Donna dislocates something. "No, seriously, I get that Rhys is great, it's just-"

Well now Donna is straight up shaking you. "Do you, though?! He's the Crown Prince! He won the Grand Melee last year; the judges gave him perfect scores in the Combat and the Swimwear rounds! He can cook, sew, and guard a nursery from any outside attack! He's also my brother and he's the sweetest boy in the world and I just want to see him with a whole bunch of babies dammit!"

"Donna."

That manages to snap the queen out of her rant. "Um, yes?"

"Are you only trying to get Rhys and Jenny together because Jenny has so many siblings?"

Donna stiffens, then quickly attempts to defend herself. "What! Noooo! Well I mean, maybe kinda-"--The elf notices the look you're giving her and doubles back--"It's not just that, though! Jenny is great! She's strong, she's brave, she's even a High Priestess! Not even the snootiest member of the court could object to a match like that! And sure, yes, the fact that she's apparently from the most fertile family in the world is a plus, but maybe you should consider how that makes this a great match for Jenny, too!"

You're **** to play along, but you can't help admitting that last bit has you curious. "What do you mean?"

"Well think about it: Jenny probably doesn't want, like, a dozen babies right now, does she?"

"Obviously not."

"But is she cool with staying chaste to make sure she avoids it? Because if her mom's any indication, I'm pretty sure a condom would just, like, dissolve inside of her."

"First off, gross."

"Sorry."

"Second, what's your point? Jenny understands her situation, and she's dealing with it."

Donna shuffles her feet impatiently. "I know, but what I'm trying to say is that if she was with Rhys, she wouldn't have to 'deal with it'. Not any more than a typical couple would, anyway!" You clearly don't follow, Donna letting out an exasperated puff of air. "Think about it! Combine Park super fertility with elvish birth rates, and what do you get? Just an average everyday risk! Until they're ready for kids, they could just take normal precautions!"

You can admit that you hadn't considered this particular dynamic, and you do see the benefits. But still. "Look. Donna. You know that I have no business making any sort of decision like that for Jenny. I'm not in charge of her; she's my friend. And don't I remember you saying something about how you would never ship your brother off for some political marriage? I seem to recall you referring to yourself as, quote, 'super duper progressive'. Unquote."

Every word hits Donna harder than a pool noodle strike from Jenny, the queen quailing under your unrelenting verbal ****. Once you've finished, her arms hang limply by her sides and she's looking quite crestfallen indeed. "You're right. Oh Bell, I'm so ashamed of..." She sniffs as you wrap your arms around her, pausing in your comforting embrace for a moment to collect herself. "I just want him to find someone, you know? Someone who's good for him, someone he likes and who likes him, too." She tilts her head back, peering at you hopefully. "Don't you think they like each other?"

"Maybe. Yes. I don't know. Why won't we just let them figure it out, alright? Maybe next time they spar they'll beat each other up so bad they just start vowing things to one another."

That draws a laugh out of Donna, the girl sniffing loudly once more before squeezing you tight. "I hope so. You're such a good friend, Ash; thanks for..." She trails off as she notices her brother has returned, the prince staring at your tender hug in a mixture of curiosity and concern. Donna freezes in your arms for a moment, then raises her voice in perhaps the least convincing tone you've ever heard. "...Yes thank you for comforting me about my lost shoe! It was a good shoe! I will always miss that shoe but less now thanks to our friendship!"

Of course, Rhys buys every ounce of it. "Aw, Ash!"

Now you've got two elves hugging you. And you know what, fine. This is your life, and you've got to start categorizing things like Elf Hugs as benefits and not oddities. Just as you've resolved to fully enjoy the moment, you hear the front door begin to creak open. Aw fuck, if you're about to have Jessie hugging you, too, you're officially going to put the kibosh on Elf Hugs.

"Ash?"

You swallow your sigh as you glance towards the open door, only to nearly **** on it as you see who's standing in the doorway.

"Mom!"