Max Butler, Nicer Guy

By any reasonable metric, this has already been a pretty taxing weekend. You spent all Friday night fueling a desperation ritual, barely staying ahead of a potential catastrophe. Then you spent nearly all of today forming a new herd over at the Bad Starbucks. At least today's marathon was more fun than you'd expected. Your newly-minted prize cow Lottie's glee over discovering that she suddenly had a massive, dedicated and retroactive Twitch following was a particular highlight, but whenever one of the girls managed to truly surprise you was the real delight. Like, you aren't sure that you'd expected anything out of the ordinary from tiny Cassidy? But when she transformed before your eyes into a stacked amazon and confidently offered to give you some workout tips? That was a for-real treat. It's not that you have anything against sweet-natured, giant-breasted moo sluts? Pretty fucking far from it. But it's good to know that your magic can have results that aren't strictly somewhere on the Sliding Bimbo Scale.

Speaking of Cassidy. You really need to get to the goddamn gym. You're not looking to match her sculpted gains by any means, but all of this sorcerous nonsense has knocked you off your usual routine. You've been less of a devotee of the Iron Church and more of a dilettante lately, and that's simply not acceptable. A body like yours requires work, and if all it takes to interrupt that work is some wizard blasting lightning bolts into the air or whatever? Then you'd better get ready for love handles. And really, how could lightning bolts ever stand up against a threat like that?

Still. Better check on what your current purveyors of sorcerous nonsense are up to. You roll your chair back around towards the cork board against the manager's office back wall, standing up to glance over the large map of town pinned there. At first the map was merely a decorative display of your current influence over the town, the areas currently protected by your wards softly outlined in a multicolored glow. Since the Others used magic to pass through your shields Thursday, however, it's also served as a way to track them via the faint aura it left on them.

A paper map's a bit archaic, yes, but so far attempts to get a similar function to work on your phone's navigational app have utterly failed. It's possible that someone at Apple is also a witch, and you really don't want to get involved if that winds up being the case.

So for now you frown at the map, trying to piece together what the Others might be up to. Ironically, despite her penchant for invisibility, Gal's general location is never an unknown. She's been back to fuck bombing your wards at a steady pace ever since last night. But it's hard to tell which of the other two black specks amongst your rainbow wards is which enemy, let alone what they might be up to. Isabelle's still finishing up getting her share of the new girls into the payroll, so you wave Jenny over to help with some speculation. "Any thoughts?"

Jenny hums at that, indicating the dot in the middle of uptown and the one at the very edge of the map. "These two?"

"Uh-huh. That far one is the suburbs, right? Seems weird."

"That might be a secret base or something." Jenny shrugs. "Checking it out would probably be a bad idea. Going that far outside of your wards, into what might be home territory for them?"

"Yeah, you're probably right. So we're just going to stay bunkered down for now?"

Jenny nods as Isabelle rolls her chair towards the desk to file away her paperwork. "At least until we've got the new Ritual schedule stable, and figured out what we're doing with the football team. Then we can stop reacting, and start acting."

Right, it still makes sense. You begin to say as much when Isabelle speaks up. "Ash? You've got a text."

Oh shit, that's right; your phone's been on silent. You snag it up from the desk, pleasantly surprised to see that it's from Colin. You hadn't had much time to think about it, but he's probably feeling a bit worse for wear after Friday's game too, isn't he? He hasn't fallen down that much since his poorly chosen entry into your Middle School Field Day's hurdles event.

-Hey, are you free? Can we meet up?-

Well you're definitely down. You do already have plans with Isabelle, though. "Hey, Colin wants to see me. Is that cool? Or you could come too; I'm sure he wouldn't mind."

Isabelle shakes her head. "No, don't worry about it. We can just meet up at your place after, yeah?"

Absolutely yeah. Isabelle has started spending Saturday nights over at your place, and you don't think it's an exaggeration to say that it's the greatest single thing to happen to anyone in the history of existence. The weight of your recent troubles have almost completely fallen away as you crack out a reply to Colin.

-Definitely :) When/where?-

When the reply bleeps back almost instantly, however, all of that weight comes crashing back down.

-I'll be at The Press Room; please get here as soon as you can-

The Press Room? Colin would never want to meet at that dingy coffee-poseur suckhole. You can go literally anywhere to be condescended to by thirty-year-old teenagers with dumb facial hair eyefucking your tits. You don't need to pay out the nose for dirt coffee for that privilege. Besides, when would Colin have ever gone to that dump? His idea of the best way to serve coffee is to it to stay in the bag while you drink a root beer. "Colin says he wants to meet at the Press Room."

Isabelle pulls an incredulous face. "He does? At that hipster trash fire uptown?"

Jenny narrows her eyes, still staring at the map as she calls out. "Where uptown?"

"I don't know exactly. Seventh and something?"

"Seventh and Fairday?"

"Maybe, why?"

"Because that,"--Jenny plants a finger directly beside one of the black specs on the map--"Is where one of the Others is right now."

The three of you share a look, and then you glance down at the phone.

-I'll be right there ;)-

For a moment, as you reach for the chipped door handle of the faux-stylish coffee shop, you wish you'd gone through with Jenny's suggestion to convince Jessie to tag along. It absolutely makes a sort of sense: assuming this is a trap set by the Others, Jessie's presence could potentially protect you through the Family Taboo. But no, you just couldn't do it. You didn't get Jessie added to the protection list just to turn around and use her like a human shield. And also, you'd probably owe her a favor if you did? Fuck that.

So you're going to have to hope that keeping your phone in your pocket and on an active call with Jenny and Isabelle as they stand vigilant outside will be good enough. Because if one of those monsters is texting from Colin's phone, then that means they probably have your friend in their clutches. And you aren't about to do poor Colin like that. So it's with a steeled heart that you grit your teeth, put on your best game face and stride confidently through the door.

You are immediately relieved and utterly furious to see Max Fucking Butler planted at a center table, sipping from a tiny cup and preening like the King of the Douchebags. He absolutely sees you enter but plays it like he's too absorbed in his coffee to notice. Max crows some objectively incorrect nonsense about body and acidity to the beardos behind the counter as you march over, his eyes continually darting your way in what he must imagine is a subtle fashion. You whip out the table's free chair, slam yourself down, and fix Max with a glare that, in a truly just world, would have made him start to shrivel and wail like he'd just opened the Ark of the Covenant. "Max."

Max takes an obnoxiously loud slurp from his cup as he pretends he just noticed your arrival. "Oh, Ash! I ordered you a ristretto; they're pretty complex for a beginner but I can help walk you through-"

You cut him off, because otherwise flames are going to start shooting out of your ears. "Who the fuck do you think you are, texting me and pretending to be Colin."

"Pretending to be-? But I didn't...Oh! Oh, oh!" Max is the worst fucking actor ever. "I see what happened; Colin must have accidentally swapped phones with me! That guy is always making stupid mistakes. But I never actually said I was Colin, did I? I don't think it's fair of you to accuse me of lying when it was an honest mistake, and also Colin's fault."

This goddamn guy. "You are seriously going to sit there and blame Colin for you stealing his phone?"

Max makes an affronted noise, huffily clanking his tiny cup down on its tiny plate. "And now you're accusing me of stealing, without proof, despite how long we've been friends. You accused me of a lot of stuff last time we spoke too, Ash. Actually, that's why I wanted to talk.

You lean back in your chair, eyes flat and unimpressed. "Then by all means. Talk."

Max unnecessarily clears his throat, and then launches into what is clearly a rehearsed speech. "You blamed me for rumors being spread about you at school, which really made me feel hurt, Ash. You should know that I would never do anything to hurt you. Now, I understood that only some of those rumors were actually because of your own behavior,"--You are going to strangle him--"So I knew there had to be more to it. So I asked around and it was actually Colin spreading those rumors."

"You've actually got the balls to sit there and-?!"

He raises his voice to drown you out so he can push onward, leaving you to stew in your seat. "Also, and I was shocked to discover this, he was the one who stole those bras from your house! Now as to why he tried to sell them using a handle sort of similar to mine: Colin has always been really envious of me, so it's natural that..."

He's on such a roll that he's fully closed his eyes, not even noticing that you've gotten up from the table and marched over to the counter. The barista with the patchy goatee makes his best efforts at looking simultaneously bored, sophisticated, and directly at your chest all at once as you point towards the little cup set down in front of him. "Is that my ristretto, or whatever the fuck?" When he languidly nods, you pick it up. "This is ice cold."

That draws his eyes up from your boobs long enough for a withering look. "You're the one who didn't come get it, sweetheart. And I haven't been tipped yet."

"Oh awesome, let me take care of that." You snatch the cup up as you flip the man off, leaving him to glower as you stroll back to the table where Max is still monologuing, daintily take your seat, and then throw the coffee directly into his face.

Max sputters and chokes for a moment, eyes wild as he gapes at you. "You crazy bi--! Why would you do that?!"

"Because Colin is so nice that he still hasn't fully realized you aren't his friend, and listening to you blame him for your bullshit is the worst thing I've ever heard."

That prompts a hiss of outrage from Max. "You have no fucking idea what Colin is like, Ash. How could you? You think you can just smile and shake your tits at any guy for fun and nothing bad will ever happen. Colin's obsessed with you! He has been for years! I've been the one keeping him off you all this time! When are you finally going to realize I'm the only one who can protect you?!"

You're so furious that your brain doesn't even register your response, words pouring out of you all on their own as you jab a finger into Max's shoulder. But it must be an effective retort, because Max looks like someone's knocked the wind right out of him. Your mind only catches up with your mouth at the very end. "--years ago! So what the fuck do you think about that?"

Max is very pale for a moment, taking a long time to manage a response. "I...I can't believe you would do that to me. This is a betrayal." When you only offer him a careless shrug in response, he makes a big show of gathering himself up in a display of bruised dignity. His tone is suddenly very clinical. "Ash, you've lied to me, slandered me, and you even assaulted me. I'm going to have to decide what I need to do about that, but one thing I know for sure is you've shattered any trust between us, and I can't keep your secret any longer."

Okay great, finally. You've got so much insanity to worry about that you're actually looking forward to getting this shit out of the way. What does Max Butler fucking know? That you're a witch? That you bimbofied the Dean? That what you're doing at the Bad Starbucks probably breaks a bunch of tax laws? All you've got to offer Max's implied threat is a jack-off motion and a sneer. "I don't give a shit. Let's hear this big secret."

Max smirks at you, somehow already back to full smugness. "I doubt you'll be so cavalier about all this when Isabelle finds out you're cheating on her."

What. "What."

The boy leans back in his chair, folding his arms across his bird chest with a self-satisfied air. "I followed you to the Heart Fukks show--"

"You followed me?"

"I also happened to be at the Heart Fukks show, and I saw you with all those guys. I know Isabelle's just some game you're playing, but she thinks you're in a real relationship, doesn't she?" Max senses you're about to reply so he surges on, eyes bright with triumph. "Unfortunately for you, you can't just pass it off as innocent flirting any more. See, you made a mistake." He fishes a crumbled up slip of paper from his pocket, smoothing it out to reveal a phone number like he's presenting devastating evidence. "You dropped one of the numbers, and I called it. She told me all about how you pretended to be single, and seduced her, and almost convinced her to meet up with you and a bunch of random guys." He gives you what he must intend to be a sincere look, but it only comes off as a sneer. "I don't want to hurt Isabelle, Ash. But really, you're the one who hurt her, aren't you?

"Wait. So you're telling me that you called--?"

"It's true, Ashley." Aisha gives you a sad smile from her sudden place at Max's side, lightly squeezing his shoulder. The boy casually slips his hand over hers as sighs in regret. "I'm sorry, I really didn't mean for this to happen. But after he called me and let me know what you were up to, we just started talking so often! It was only natural that Maxwell and I..." She flushes prettily as Max stares at you in barely contained glee, apparently taking your silence for shock. "I mean, he's just such a nice guy, right? I didn't mean to come between you and your boyfriend, but it's like Maxwell said. It's really you who did that, isn't it?"

Max rises imperiously from his seat at that, craning his head to give Aisha what strikes you as an unpleasantly wet kiss. Man, she is a much better actor than Max. He pulls away from the girl's lips with an indulgent pop, then shoots the smallest of glances your way. "Come on Aisha, let's go out the back way. I imagine Ash has a lot of thinking to do."

He immediately turns and starts off, the amber-eyed witch hanging back for a moment to watch him go. Then she turns to you with a devilish smirk, her voice barely above a whisper. "I told you, Ashley: I always get it." Then she blows you a kiss, turns around with a flick of her hair, and trots after Max.

You're still sitting in a state of dumb silence minutes later when Jenny and Isabelle join you at the table, the girls clearly unable to decide if they should find the events they eavesdropped on over your phone call more horrifying, or more hilarious. Eventually, Isabelle decides she has to speak up. "How're we holding up?"

You can only shake your head, still working through this byzantine farce. "Sorry, I'm just...I'm struggling with the fact that I somehow feel sorry for both of them."

Jenny grins at that. "That might be the most insidious trick the Others have played so far. But hey, at least there were some highlights stuck in with the gaslighting and toxic entitlement. You really stood your ground with him."

Isabelle nods intently. "I'd have given anything to have been able to watch you splash terrible coffee in his stupid face."

Jenny clearly agrees. "And throwing the fact that Colin was your first time back at him? That was savage and you are my favorite."

The fact that Colin was your...oh. Oh...that must have been what you said when you were out of your mind with rage. And you guess Jenny is confirming it? Your friend Colin was your first time. It's official Girl Ash canon. Somehow that manages to be the most impactful revelation of the day.

The serious little voice in your head reminds you wouldn't have had to deal with any of this if you just went to the gym. And you know what? It's got a point.