Julie, New Mother

That day was very surreal to me. My son -- whom I won't be naming -- had just turned three months.

I was expecting a package that day, so when the doorbell rang, I just assumed it had come a little early. I got up from the couch and put my son in his sitter-chair. But when I opened the door, there was no sign of a package. I looked around the front of the house and found nothing, so returned to my now screaming son, who wanted Mommy's embrace, not his sitter.

I grabbed his pacifier and sought to sooth him. I teased it into his mouth and he took it... then spit it right out. Sometimes babies just need some encouragement, so I **** it back in. Pop. Sigh. One more try, I thought.

And suddenly found my hand forcing the pacifier into my own mouth! Blegh. I blinked down at it in my hand.

Let's be real. I was exhausted. Sleep deprived beyond belief. I still doubt the events of that surreal day. It was hard when my husband had to work and I took the brunt of sleeplessness while he escaped to the couch whenever he needed.

I shook my head and tried to pop the pacifier into his mouth again, and immediately found myself with index and middle fingers deep in my own mouth, and the pacifier resting between my milk-heavy breasts. I coughed, all the while my son crying as I fished the pacifier out of my maternity bra-clad breasts. I shook my head again, as if I were a silly cartoon character. Okay. I thought. I'll just breastfeed him. It's time anyway. Always calms him down, and it did. I breathed a sigh of relief.

He was on my left breast as he ate. I was smiling down at him, maintaining eye contact as I knew I should. Suddenly I felt a strong pressure from my right nipple as it started leaking- no, absolutely squirting, erupting as if it had received a full hour of stimulation all at once! I pulled down the flap of my bra and it was literally spraying straight out, but given my position, I could do nothing but gasp, put it back in, and watch it soak the top of my gown.

When it finally stopped, my son's eyes began to droop. Thank God. I thought, and settled him down into his crib. I decided to wash my clothes while he settled himself to sleep. He stayed asleep, so I went to take the first shower I had taken in three days.

This is where it started to get really strange. As I showered, I just felt... off. I blamed sleep deprivation. I still do. But my body would randomly just feel off. Like I'd suddenly moved, but never tried to move. I finished my shower and went to get dressed. Now pay attention. Because I sure wasn't.

I grabbed sweatpants and a tank top. Then I was sure I grabbed some simple, comfortable black briefs and my spare maternity bra. To be fair, they're right next to- well let me explain.

So I got dressed. My son's nap didn't last very long. I heard him crying from upstairs, so maybe I rushed getting dressed. But as I climbed the stairs to him, I felt like I'd suddenly gotten a wedgie. Ignored it because I'm a woman and this happens all the time, but I also felt lifted in the same way a push-up bra lifts me. I picked my son up, brought him to my bosom and peered down. I gasped, slightly startling my son.

I somehow had managed to put on my "mega, girls night out" push-up bra. It bordered on lingerie. I reached a hand back to my butt and felt a bare cheek through the fabric of my sweatpants... I was wearing one of my few thongs. I had to put my son down and walk back downstairs to my bedroom.

I checked my drawers. It was if I had never taken out the maternity bra or aforementioned briefs. They were folded perfectly. I had no explanation. Did I just really zone out so hard that I dressed myself in lingerie? Maybe, I justified, maybe I secretly wanted some sexytime. I didn't feel it one bit due to how tired I was. But maybe that's why I dressed myself this way.

That could have been where I left it off, if I didn't realize the next weird thing.