Act like a Senator

"No, you need to... here, just give me the apple back now, and you can take all the time you want with..." Monty began, reaching for the case.

"Ah, ah, you said it was mine. So... you know, need a little more time here. I mean, these gals are great but... I mean, how long have we been taping. Can we get some water in here? Last thing we need to be doing is breaking labor regs, Monty?"

Monty balked at my statement, his expression becoming one of confusion.

"What are you..." Monty began.

"I'd like to point out I'm pregnant, and really don't need to be standing here all afternoon. Can I get a chair or something? I mean this seems like it's going to take a while." Kaila objected, raising her hand and addressing Monty.

"Yeah, if she's getting one, I'd like one too. " Helen also raised her hand, "I think we could all use one. while you two work out whatever needs to be done."

The negotiations over chairs, water, and seating arrangements took a good twenty minutes, the entire time during which I fished in the bag slung over my shoulder, drank the coke, got a little hot water from one of the stagehands to make the cup of noodles, which I enjoyed with only a couple bites stolen since most of the gals had used the opportunity to request craft service bring them something nice. Of course, I had insisted that Monty take a break as well, since it wasn't fair if the rest of the talent got to sit down. He actually seemed to be enjoying the moment to take a break, which was kinda nice, and I didn't want to make much of a mess, so I helpfully broke up the styrofoam into the nice glass bottle that is the entire reason you Drink Mexican coke in the first place.

"Ok, now that everything's taken care of, what's your decision?" Monty smiled helpfully, rising to his feet as the bored audience began murmuring.

"Oh right, absolutely. Uh... what were my choices again?" I pretended that I'd lost track of the conversation again.

"They're RIGHT in front of you. The apple, or trade for one of these... this is why... this is why we keep the choices simple." Monty dropped his head into his palm and shook it back and forth. "Just... which one are you going to pick?"

"Well, that's a good question, because until I actually Pick a prize... they're still pretty awesome. But I haven't really had a chance to look at what I'm picking from."

"That's the whole point of the game!" Monty exclaimed. "To see if you're smart enough to get to the big deal and win!"

"But I don't know what I'd be giving these gals for their prizes! I mean, just picking one means that I take it away from her... and she's stuck with something that could be awful. Why would I do that to somebody I like?"

"That... because you're the smart one who traded for something GOOD!" Monty exclaimed.

"But I'd be a jerk. I don't want to be a jerk, I just want everybody to be happy. Maybe I should give it to the gal who didn't get a prize... uh... Joan, sorry, haven't really had time to get to know you as you..."

"It's fine, all the time in the world, and none." Joan unbuttoned her sport coat and opened it. "But I really don't like apples."

"It's not... It's not about the APPLE!" Monty shouted. "So, her... right? You're choosing her."

"Actually, that meal was pretty good... and Uh... I'm going to need a bathroom break here. It'll only be a minute."

A quick trip to the restroom later, in which I fully followed ALL procedures listed on the doors and the sink, and the soap dispenser, and the hand sanitizer dispenser, and the door going back into the studio, and I returned to the stage, to find Monty sitting alone with the entire rest of the audience having filed out. I looked at him quizzically. The only people that were left were the rather dejected looking film crew, leaning on cameras and bullshitting about who saw what actress next door's profile on Entertainment Tonight last night.

"They all decided they needed a bathroom break too. Find a chair, this might be a while." Monty sighed. "You're not going to make a decision are you?"

"No, no, I fully intend to make a decision. Just need to wait till they all get back, because I've got a really crappy memory." I explained patiently. "Wasn't there a time machine at one point as one of the prizes?"

"NO! Nobody won that!" Monty objected.

"Could I trade the apple for that? That seems like a pretty nice prize."

"NO." Monty shook his head angrily. "That wasn't one of the choices I gave you!"

"But what If I want that choice! What if I would instantly trade the apple to you in exchange for that, because I'm a HUGE Doctor Who Fan, and I know Kaila would hate my guts if I gave up the opportunity for her to watch me make out with Jack Harkness?" I lied. I mean I LIKED the show, but it was inconsistent as hell in tone and canon.

"Oh, so... ok... uhm... Jay can we get the curtain open again!" Monty shouted, jumping to his feet. "The TARDIS, right! That's what you want to trade for?"

"Uh... I don't know." I said. "I mean I was posing a hypothetical. Why? Is that available now? I thought you said I couldn't have that one."

"Doesn't matter. You want that one?" Monty smiled happily.

"Maybe. I really need to.... maybe I should wait till the girls get back from the bathroom."

It was a long few minutes before the women filed in, in drips and drabs. Helen had her arm draped around Charlotte happily when they returned, and the soft kiss they shared as they returned to their seats suggested that something more than just the standard bathroom conversation had occurred.

"Ok, so... as you requested, I'm putting the TARDIS on as one of your options? Now you've got Seven wonderful prizes."

"I liked that wooden horse. You already said I could swap for that if I wanted." I argued.

"No... you can't... the ZONK prizes stay here in the studio... that's part of the joke."

"But... you keep saying that people are getting what they trade for! That's not fair! I really thought that horse was neat! I mean, hell with a Unicorn, there's a LOT of fun things I can think of to do with a Giant Hobby Horse and a few gals." I looked over to where the giant wooden horse sat, no longer rocking or active in any way, just taking up space on the floor.

"You want the Hobby Horse? Seriously! Ok, fine.. you can have the Hobby Horse if that's your decision! Is that it?"

"Well, NOW that I know I can pick from those two as well, that's really Eight Prizes, isn't it?"

"Fine! Whatever, which one?" Monty exclaimed again. "Seriously, I'm just going to send you home with nothing if you keep this up!"

"Ok," I shrugged rising to my feet and preparing to leave. "I guess I'll just keep the apple then and walk out of here."

"Wait, wait, Brent, that was a joke," Monty laughed, his smile coming back benevolently again. "Maybe you didn't... ok... so, you want to have all eight options, right? That's fine. Now that you know... which one do you want?"

"Ok, so... let me just get this straight... there's a certain amount of power in this Envelope, under the apple."

"Yeah, Monty said there was a certain amount of Power in the envelope." Kaila pointed out, backing up my statement.

"Under the apple."

"It's only a possibility that you were in fact telling the truth. Because you DO like to zonk people, Monty." I pointed out the possibility. "If it was the truth, then it is a fact that this power is in my hand and I'm the one who gets to determine where it goes. SO... I suggest we quietly all gather around and see what we've got, everybody keeping in sight of each other and nobody needing to be kept in the dark.. And when we open the envelope, providing there IS power there and not a zonk, we share it amongst ourselves in a simple manner."

"NO! That's.... that's ridiculous! The whole point is for you to be surprised by the win!" Monty exclaimed. "You need to make a decision!"

"Brent's got a point. He's got something." Helen smiled, pointing to me. "It's boring, it's simple, and nobody gets hurt. Totally like him."

"You know... maybe we should just forget the whole thing..." I began hopefully, when the double door to the set banged open and my kid sister barged into the studio. She was wearing her standard club dress and marched up to the stage, the shock in Monty's face apparent. Her dark brown hair was done up much more glamorous than I was used to seeing, and I wasn't surprised at all when she grabbed her own chair and brought it up to the stage.

"It's all right, she's with us," I offered, lamely, wincing at the thought of having to deal with this too.

"What's this "fair shares for everybody?" Imogene argued, waving her hand at me angrily. "I am just as much a part of this as any of these girls..."

"Ok, fine, uh... we have four main endings. I think we should split it up in four quarters." I grinned. "There, that works fine. Everybody gets something."

"Four quarters? What are you talking about? Quarters? You mean you all get a quarter and Charlotte and I have to split a quarter?" Helen objected, looking at the apple.

"Well, yeah That's right." I cringed. Maybe I should have thought that out a little better.

"What are you trying to pull? There were six of us that were involved in major ways. We should split it six ways." Helen explained, her face earnest.

"She's right. We should." Charlotte concurred, thinking about it carefully.

"I'm perfectly willing to discuss it in a six-way manner. Let's see, that would mean that..." I began again, trying to recalculate for each of the women I'd been spent days with.

"You're overlooking one thing," Imogene argued, trying to get attention again.

"What little thing?" I groaned.

"We can all count. There are eight of us involved here!" Imogene pointed to the little group onstage.

"I can't speak for Kaila and Carla but if I'm right about the status of our marriage we'd be just as happy..." I began trying to be diplomatic.

"Happy with Three Eighths instead of a quarter? Awfully big of you..." Imogene smiled sarcastically.

"Wait a minute, hold it. " Joan argued "Put it back the way it was before. Either one quarter for each ending, or one sixth for each person who's put in the time. Just because this poll inspired side piece has to stick..."

"How dare you!" Imogene looked ready to burst into tears.

The argument devolved at that point, and after about another fifteen minutes of hectoring, negotiating, and borrowing some scrap paper from the 2nd 2nd Assistant Director, we finally had what I thought was a reasonable solution.

"OK, We give shares to everybody and for everything. Now, there are eight of us. There's eight shares for that. Then there were four main Endings, we give Four Shares for that. If we give four shares for that, that's twelve shares already. There were six of us who started things and have been here a while. We give six shares for that. That makes it eighteen, right? Now, eighteen shares and then we add...the same number of shares as people who show up in the various endings."

"Four for the first one, Six for the Second, Six for the third and Eight for this one for a grand total of Forty Two shares. Nice even number."

"That should cover everything, including Miss "I wanna fuck my brother." Kaila grumbled. "Ok, so... what does that mean for actually dividing this..."

"Let's see now. So, I get One share for starting, Four Shares for being in each of the endings, One Share for being a person, and Four shares for being a person IN the endings... that adds up to Eleven Shares total for me. Eleven into forty two... wait, that doesn't divide evenly, and that can't be right, I think I made a math mistake somewhere... This might be a while... Maybe we need to up the number of shares for each person and each ending... "