Long Enough

"You can't divide Forty Two into Eight evenly." Monty exclaimed, looking over my shoulder. "Look, give me the pencil, dammit..."

I graciously handed over the pencil to the host, who started jotting.

"Ok, so first off, you added wrong here..." He mumbled, before going back and rechecking numerous of my random calculations. "Ok, here, this... you shouldn't have... ok, I see why you did this here but... "

While Monty helpfully became distracted at his seat, I reached in the bag at my side again, this time finding the water balloon...wait that wasn't... the rubber of it felt weird, and I noted a neat little slogan emblazoned on the side.

"Stop the Senseless Slaughter Of the Baby Neoprenes"

It struck me as rather odd, but the slight gasoline smell from the balloon made me summon every bit of discipline I had not to react badly. Damn it, why couldn't she have given me an MRE... much less burning involved in that kind of distraction. It was only a slight pinprick needed to subtly transfer the familiar scented liquid into the styrofoam filled glass bottle. Thumb over the top... aaaaand look interested, because looks like Monty's wrapping up with his figures.

"Ok... Now, the answer for Forty two divided by Eight is Five and a Quarter." He sighed.

"When did we get back to splitting it into quarters?" Charlotte angrily challenged. "We spent all that time working this out, and now you want to go back to that!"

"No... no... I said..." Monty objected, "He's the one who's trying to..."

"Oh sure, the guy with all the power blaming it on the contestant," Helen crossed her arms. She had taken off the owl head, which was now sitting at her feet, and was looking very perturbed in her comfortable chair. "Besides, what does that number actually MEAN? Not a thing, because we don't actually have a number to divide."

"Well, then he's choosing the Envelope!" Monty cheered, "Ok, Great, we can get back on track."

"I didn't say that," I tapped my finger on my lips pensively. "So, if we each got five and a quarter... yeah, I was listening to you Monty... what does that actually mean as far as dividing it? Besides, just evenly dividing it wasn't what we were talking about in the first place. With that math error you were talking about, shouldn't it be forty two divided by ten to determine my particular share? Lemme see that paper again..."

"What? NO! NO! If you're... if you're doing that, it means that you... " He began scribbling again furiously, and I took the opportunity to empty a second Neoprene water balloon full of gasoline into the glass bottle. Shake it up a bit.... thumb over the top... and pay attention... because everybody's watching Monty... act natural.

"Ok... Ok... here..." Monty handed me the paper which was clearly emblazoned with each share if we were to share it according to the plan I had previously worked out. "SO, with THAT, you're choosing the Envelope, right?"

"This is way too complicated." I looked at the figures. Yep, every mathematical figure perfectly calculated so that everybody got something in direct proportion to their time with me. "This also doesn't take into account all the stuff I didn't see! From what I can tell, there's a LOT going on that I didn't get to experience, and isn't that just as important as what I did see?"

"Which... which one do you want? More complicated or less?"

I thought about it for a moment.

"Both?" I looked at the women who all nodded in agreement. "Yeah... both is good. Just... you know... calculate it out fairly, since you know what's in the envelope already... and let me know. That way I can make a fair decision that ensures that I trade the apple for what it is REALLY worth... I don't really need to know the math... just what I'm getting. I mean, I can trust you, right, Monty?"

Monty yanked back the paper, and began calculating again, as I stuffed a small random rag into the top of the bottle which had helpully been in the bag... Aaaand done. Looked like just in time too, as the harried host wiped his brow and spoke earnestly.

"Ok... ok... now, I can't tell you how much is in the envelope... but... YOU... Brent... Divided evenly, will get Five Twenty Firsts... You... Helen... will get... Five Twenty Firsts..." He began giving precise figures, all of which meant exactly nothing. I tuned out and instead started calculating the steps to the exits, how many people were between me and the door. What they were paying attention to... which for the moment seemed to be... wrapping up? The crew were now gathered around the craft service table, and were completely ignoring pretty much everything on the stage.

"Ok, Thanks... that was very enlightening..." I smiled as Monty finished giving the numbers.

"ONE Twenty Second? What is this, An old timey whaling cruise?" Imogene spat at the host. She stood from her chair angrily, her furious expression matched by her aggressive stance.

"That DOES seem pretty low, especially with how much crap she got from me... I think there's a mistake there, too... Shouldn't that be One Twenty First?" Kaila agreed with my sister. "I mean, what if added a few more shares for family? Just to be fair."

The general murmurs of assent through the group caused Monty to clench his jaw tightly, and I thought I could see what looked like the start of a twitch under his right eye.

"Well, we can always do it like they settled things on that Star Trek episode set on Beta Anatares Four." I suggested helpfully. "That was an Awesome way to handle it... but Monty wouldn't like it... it required a lot of work to do right."

"I... I don't think I saw that episode." Monty exclaimed, "But I can do any silly game that showed up on a show. That's what I DO! If you're going to..."

"Cool... Do you have a deck of cards? No... wait... I've got one in my bag... shoulda thought of this a LONG time ago... See... every person will get a six cards, except for the person who is on the dealers right... who gets seven."

I noted that the last of the crew had begun filing out of the double doors. Nothing was running, the episode must have been shut down. We were just sitting there. On an empty stage. With nobody paying attention. And a bunch of fabulous prizes completely unattended.

"On the right..." Monty nodded.

"RIght... so here, that would be... well, YOU... Monty. Your turn to be lucky for once. So... the name of the game is called... Fizzbin. So... the second card is turned up... except on Tuesday." I hoped he didn't know this bit. Please don't let him know this bit... please don't let him know this bit.

"Ok, don't worry about the extra rules... just... the ones for today." He shook his head, concentrating on the cards I had dealt on the floor next to us. He kneeled down next to me. "So... each person gets six cards..."

"Is it Tuesday? That's Important." I pointed out.

"No... it's... doesn't MATTER." He shook his head.

"Actually it matters quite a bit, because if this is Tuesday, that alters the rules, and the entire point of the game completely. Is it Tuesday?" I argued, out of the corner of my eye noting that Nikki had quietly begun gathering up something on a display and was moving very casually towards the blue police box.

"Ok, FINE. It's NOT TUESDAY! Can we please get on with it!" He groaned.

"Right, Right... sorry... so... the Second Card is turned up... Wow... look at that you've got A Queen and a nine... you've got a Half Fizzbin already... damn... no wonder you're so lucky, Monty!" I boggled in amazement, and Monty smiled at his victory, completely missing the fact that multiple items were now missing off of the stage.

"Hah... so... if I get another Queen, I win, right?" He laughed.

"What ever gave you that idea?" I gasped. "No no, if you got another queen you'd have a sralk... Which results in immediate disqualification unless you agree to a three legged race with another player... if it happens during the day, right... so."

Several of the women had now removed their cumbersome costumes, and had finished moving several items into the box once again, completely unnoticed. Joan seemed to be pleading with Carla about something, and was apparently also attempting to yank one of the wheels off of it's display... albeit quietly.

"No, what you WANT, is either a... crap... what was it, Kaila?" I turned and addressed her, and she smiled happily.

"It's damn... I think it's a jack and four, or a seven and a king... unless it's at night of course..." She replied, leaning into the game.

"That is a good point, what time is it?" I smiled. "If we're switching over to night rules Monty might be able to pull a royal Fizzbin. See if it's NIGHT, and you got an ace, you'd get another card but then you'd have to give it back."

"Except at night..." Monty nodded,

"RIght... so... woah... look at THAT... You got ANOTHER Queen... How lucky you are!" I boggled... SHit, wasn't expecting to get another queen... was hoping I could play this a little longer. "See, since it's night rules... it is night rules, now, right Carla?"

"I think so... I mean we could go outside and check... But if it's night rules... he could actually get a Royal Fizzbin."

"Wow... yeah, what are the odds of that happening. I mean... the odds of getting a royal Fizzbin are Astronomical... Seriously, Helen, what are the ODDS of getting a Royal Fizzbin?" I glanced over at her, and noted that the owl costume was nowhere to be seen. Instead, she was how I remembered her from the hike. Happy, smiling, ready to leave.

"I can honestly say I have no idea how rare that is," She concurred. "I've never been good with chance."

"Well, they're astronomical. Ok... so... now for the last card, we'll call it a Klonk."