She wouldn’t, would she?

‘He always did sabotage himself,’ Emma mutters, almost to herself. ‘Everything good in his life, he tried his hardest to fuck it up. His family, his inheritance. You. Me.’

‘Yeah,’ you say quietly, because there’s not much else to say. ‘At least now he can’t hurt anyone any more.’

Emma seems to be having trouble meeting your eyes. ‘I know it’s hard for you to understand,’ she says haltingly, ‘but he wasn’t all bad, okay? He wasn’t always like that. When I first met him, he was… different. He was funny, he was generous – he was a little too sharp, maybe, but he was sweet. But then his best friend stepped in front of a train, and he started hanging out with some bad people, and he changed.’

You stare at her, trying to read her face. But Emma’s eyes are somewhere far away.

‘Maybe it was the ****,’ she says, twisting her hands together. ‘Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe he just managed to keep it locked away before that. I mean, he always had a dark side, even before Lily killed herself and his mom went off the rails. But no one’s all bad. Not even him.’

‘I believe you,’ you tell her hoarsely. ‘People change. I’ve seen it. Sometimes they don’t change for the better.’

Emma’s still twisting her hands, interlocking her fingers, looking torn. ‘Yeah,’ she says. ‘Sometimes.’

Her next words throw you off-balance so completely that you forget to breathe.

‘I love you,’ she says quietly. ‘I think I’ve known for a while, but… I don’t know if I can deal with this. I need some time to work things out. I need to understand how I feel and whether I can live with myself if I lie about this for you. And whether I can live with myself if I don’t.’

She loves you.

You feel like leaping up and crying and skidding downhill and kissing her and falling apart all at the same time, and it makes your heart ache.

‘Take as long as you need,’ you tell her, just barely managing to keep a handle on all the emotion. ‘Take all the time in the world. I’ll be right here. And just so you know, Emma…’

You wait, until she finally looks up at you.

‘I love you too,’ you tell her. ‘Obviously. Completely. Of course I do. For whatever that’s worth… and to me, it’s worth everything.’

Emma looks like she’s going to cry. ‘I know,’ she whispers. ‘And I’m so sorry, and I miss you, and I wish I could tell you everything’s going to be okay now. But after this last week, I just…’ She looks away helplessly. ‘I’ve never gone through anything as weird and horrible and terrifying as this in my life – and I know it’s been even worse for you, and it’s not fair, and I’m so sorry, but… I just need some time to let the world stop spinning.’

You smile, even though it’s like opening up a fresh wound in your chest.

‘Do what you have to do,’ you tell her, in someone else’s voice; someone confident, someone brave, someone who can face losing her even after going through all of this. ‘I trust your judgment. If you need time, take it. I’m not going anywhere.

‘But, if this is the end…’ You hack up a cough, but **** the rest down, determined to get these words out. ‘If this is the end of us, Emma… you need to know that I love you. God, I love you. And I’ve missed you. And even bruised, scarred and spleenless, I wouldn’t trade this for the world. I wouldn’t take back a single second of it. You’re worth it, Emma.’ You reach out a hand and squeeze her wrist urgently. ‘You’re worth all of it. You’re worth anything.’

It’s a hell of a long speech for someone with tonsils that feel like they’ve been dipped in bleach, and you sink back into the pillows, exhausted. Emma’s staring at you, tears now falling freely down her cheeks.

‘How could you possibly know that?’ she whispers. ‘How could anyone be worth all of this?’