And all of god's children say amen

Your night was restless as each time you fell asleep you found yourself in a nightmare in which every one who called you miss or girl or young lady was laughing behind your back. Laughing because you were so obviously a boy in a dress and laughing because you were stupid enough to think they fell for your get up. One dream lead you to the basement of your old house your father dragging you by your tiny hand. You couldn't have been older than kyle was now. Every time he'd slam the basement door you'd wake up in a cold sweat.

Finally your mother officially woke you up. "Get up, get showered. It's time for church." You grunted your reply and like a robot began the routine. Shower, though it was warm was numbing to your skin. The only time you felt anything was when you caught your naked reflection in the mirror. A few days ago you loved it but today you hated it. You continued on your routine shoving the anger back down where it belonged. You dressed in your sunday best. A suit and tie that felt like self inflicted strangulation.

You sat in the living room with erin while your mom was upstairs fighting with kyle. He didn't enjoy putting on a suit either. She called your name several times until finally she used your girl name.

"Kara are you okay?"

"Don't call me that."

"She speaks!" she joked.

"Go to hell." This shocked her.

"What the hell did I do?"

"What did you do?! You put me in a skirt and gave me tits and made me a laughing stock!"

"I did that for you! You were happy-"

"Because I'm an idiot."

"I never said-"

"Are you pestering your brother?" your dad asked as he came down the stairs.

"No." she answered.

"Yes." you answered.

"Quit picking on your brother. He's probably not feeling well." Without asking your dad grabs your chin and turns your face to him to examine the bump on your forehead. "That looks pretty nasty."

"Thanks."

"Better put something on that."

"Will do doc." the sarcasm was lost on your dad as he went outside to start the van, not so subtly letting your mother know to hurry up.

Kyle and your mother walk down the stairs, your mother looking classy as ever in a dress that accentuated her curves without being too flashy. Your mom still had a great body or fourty. Probably all the running around she does chasing after kyle. Kyle looked sharp in his little suit and tie almost a match for your own. "See, I told you you both would match."

"What?"

"Oh he was going on about how you'd be dressed different."

"What did he mean?"

"He wouldn't say."

"Ah. Well we better hurry before dad leaves without us."

"Please he wouldn't leave without me. Who else is gonna wake him up when it's time to go."

[Great I turned kyle into a liar because I wanted to be a freak.]

The drive to church was quiet as usual between the three of you. Your mom and dad being the only ones allowed to speak in such situations. Kyle must have been sleepy because he was practically drooling on your stomach.

Finally you arrive at the small church the sign informing you as it always had that the church was established in 1902. Your preacher was so old you suspected he was preaching on the day the church was established. A real fire and brimstone type too. "Many times in the news you will hear about homosexuals and transgenders!" he paused no doubt for the drama.

"Oh god." you felt your mother nudge you to be silent.

"And many have asked me what does god say about these individuals." In truth no one had. You wondered if there was a special place in hell for preachers who lie for dramatic effect. "And I'll tell ya. God!" he shouted god. "Does not approve!"

"I have to go to the bathroom." you lied slipping past your mother and your sleeping father. You wondered the small hallway until you found the bathrooms. Not that you needed to look, you knew this church like the back of your hand. You just wanted to escape. Standing face to face with the bathrooms so clearly marked "male" and "female" you were suddenly struck with indecision.

A few minutes later your sister found you seated at the bench in front of the bathroom. "Hey bro." suddenly it felt like a dagger even though you could tell she didn't mean it to be. God help her she was actually trying to be nice. "Having zipper trouble?"

"No. I've been here pondering."

"Pondering what?"

"Well it's a church so it's fitting I ponder God."

"Oh." She sat beside you. "Anything in particular."

"He creates flawed things yet he's supposed to love us."

"Right he loves us despite that."

"Is it love though? Tom would never give a child cancer. Would you?"

"Obviously not."

"Neither would I. Would you make something knowing the very fabric of him, of it, would one day turn against him?"

"Is this about what happened last night?"

Finally you broke down and told her everything that had happened last night all the beautiful wonderful things and all the vile and putrid things. She vowed eternal vengeance upon rick and that she would hunt the girls down and shave them all bald.

You laid your head on her shoulder. "What am I to do?" You fought back your tears.

"I'm not sure. I know someone who might."

"Who?"

"A doctor. She'll talk to you and she might help you understand everything you're feeling."

"I can't afford it. Besides what if she tells mom or dad."

"Sweetie they're not allowed to do that. Besides you're eighteen. Unless you say she can tell them she wont. I'm worried about you. I've seen you hit by basketballs before and they've never left a welt like that."

Despite leaving the part about headbutting a mirror out your sister had deduced what you had done. "If you think it will help."

"I do." she hugged you close.

"Can we stay out here? I don't want to go back in there."

"Sure thing sis."

An hour later the congregation dispersed and you find your parents and brother and head back into the car.

"Where did you disappear to?" Your father asks.

"I had to use the bathroom."

"Are you having trouble-"

"Dad! No!"

"Then what took so long?"

"Just got lost in thought."

When you got home you spent most of the day playing games with kyle as usual while erin spent her time on her phone. She must have been in contact with the doctor because she informed you she made an appointment for tomorrow for after your practice. Tom true to his word did call you asking how you were. "I'm fine."

"Was it anything I did?"

"No." You closed the door to your room while kyle played the game without you. "You were wonderful. I just...it's stupid."

"Do you want me to come over and we can talk?"

The thought of having to explain what happened twisted your gut into knots but the thought of seeing tom again even like this was too much to resist. "Could you?" your voice begged and how could he refuse.

Twenty minutes later tom was knocking at your door. You ran down the stairs and to the door opening to his handsome face. "Hi!" you fight the urge to embrace him remembering your dad is in the living room where the front door also happens to be. Instead you shake his hand.

"Hi."

"Who's this?" Your dad asks standing up and coming to the door.

"This is tom, tom is my...friend. He's the one who drove me home a couple of days ago."

"Oh this is him. Well a pleasure to meet you." Your dad shakes tom's hand vigorously. "Thanks for taking care of my boy." you groan.

"Well I do what I can."

"Me and tom are gonna hang in my room." you blurt out not wanting tom to spend any more time with your dad than he had too.

"Oh okay. You two have fun."

You practically drag tom up the stairs past a surprised erin. You close the door quickly and kiss tom like you wanted too when he first arrived and held him in a tight hug.

"Hey tom." kyle called from the game station.

"Hey big man." tom waved still holding on to you.

"Wanna play?"

"Not right now, I'm gonna talk to your s-your b- to John for a bit." tom seemed as confused about what to call you.

You lead tom to your bed being that it was the only place to sit other than the floor and that would just suck. "So tell me what happened?" you sighed and told him about the girls in the bathroom and how what they said hurt you more than it should have because it was what you were thinking of yourself. "I'm sorry. If I had known..."

"You'd what? Beat up a couple of girls?"

"Hey I'll kick anybody's ass that hurts you."

"You said a bad word!" kyle laughed from his game.

"You did say a bad word." you teased. "Beating them up wouldn't change what they said or how I felt."

"I know. I just don't want anyone to hurt you. Even yourself. What happened here?" he brushed your hair out of the way of the bump on your forehead.

"I...hit my head."

"On what a wall?" he joked not knowing how close he was to the truth.

"Close a mirror."

"On on purpose?" he whispered. You nod feeling every bit as stupid.

"Why?"

"Because I couldn't stand what was looking back at me." You laid down on your bed and tom took the unspoken cue to lie down next to you and take your hand.

"I think you're beautiful."

"Even like this?"

"Even like this." He gently kissed your nose.

"You have to say that you're my boyf..." you cut yourself off. Having a boyfriend seemed to pale in comparison to what you were going through but it was still a struggle to accept. Plus what if he didn't think of you that way. Worse what if he thought of you as a BOYfriend. Did you want him to think of you as his BOYfriend?

"I am your boyf." he teased "But that doesn't mean it isn't true." [HE'S MY BOYFRIEND! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!] After a silent pause he finally speaks up again. "I cant believe after only one date I'm in your bed. Don't you think that's moving kinda fast?"

"After what you did to me at the party you have no room to talk about moving fast mister!" you laughed.

"Tooom! Come play with me!"

"What do you say? Wanna play?"

"Boys." you rolled your eyes at tom's obvious double entendre. You both climbed out of bed and each took a controller and join in on kyle's game. Time's like this the confusion of everything slipped away and you weren't thinking about the implications or complications of things. You were just enjoying yourself. Though you couldn't help but wonder who you were enjoying yourself as John or kara.

Later your mom knocks on the door "Oh tom. I didn't know you were here. Say since you're here anyway would you like to have that dinner now?"

Tom looks at you for a moment seeing you smile is answer enough for him. "I'd love too."

Soon you all were seated at the table, your father saying grace and including thanking the lord for tom's intervention. Which you couldn't agree with more. You imagine yourself in one of your pretty dresses, something to show off your curves without being flashy, while your family was actually okay with it and tom. From there the dinner continued much the same, discussing the day's events. You and tom leaving out certain aspects of your time together while playing footsie under the table.

After dinner you walked tom to the door "I should go. My folks are probably in hysterics."

"Maybe one day you could spend the night." Your eyes widened realizing how he might have taken that.

"Maybe." He smiled rubbing his hands on your cheek his fingers tracing through your hair.

You hear someone sit in your dad's chair and turn on golf. You didn't need three guess to figure out who. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow." he echoed before leaving.

"Can't wait." you said to the door before leaning against it.