Lock stock and two smoking barrels

Night settled over the city like a bruise.

By the time Joey, Cassandra, and Crystal finally left the apartment, the streets outside had gone quiet in that eerie way cities sometimes did after midnight—when every sound felt too loud and every shadow looked alive.

Which, in Joey’s case lately, was apparently a valid concern.

Crystal stood near the apartment stairs wearing black jeans and one of Joey’s hoodies zipped halfway up.

“I just want it officially documented,” she announced, “that I hate all of this spooky vampire bullshit.”

“You screamed because a raccoon looked at you,” Cassandra replied.

“It had *intentions.*”

“It was eating a Pop-Tart.”

“That’s how they lure you in.”

Joey snorted.

Cassandra rolled her eyes before stepping closer to both of them.

“Stay close,” she said quietly. Stepping closer and pulling her cape around the other two companions.

The playful tone vanished immediately.

Joey felt it through the bond.

Focus.

Danger.

The air around Cassandra shifted subtly, darkness thickening unnaturally beneath her feet. The alley beside the apartment suddenly looked deeper than it should have—as though the shadows had become an open doorway.

Crystal noticed too.

“…Absolutely not.”

“It is faster this way,” Cassandra said.

“That looks like how people die in horror movies.”

“They usually do.”

Crystal pointed accusingly at Joey.

“You’re weirdly calm about this.”

“I've done it once before, I’m choosing not to think about it.”

“Excellent survival strategy,” Cassandra murmured.

Then, she wrapped one arm around Joey’s waist and grabbed Crystal’s wrist with the other.

The shadows swallowed them whole.

Crystal immediately shrieked.

Joey understood why.

Traveling through Cassandra’s darkness felt wrong.

Cold.

Weightless.

Like falling underwater while someone whispered directly into your spine.

The world twisted around them in flashes: glimpses of rooftops, alleyways, passing headlights, distorted pieces of the city stretching unnaturally through blackness.

Crystal clung to Joey hard enough to bruise.

“I hate this. I hate this. I hate this—”

Then suddenly—

they were standing still again.

Crystal stumbled into Joey, looking violently nauseous.

“Oh my God,” she wheezed. “I think my soul just got motion sickness.”

Joey swallowed hard himself.

“Okay… still awful.”

Cassandra looked entirely unaffected.

“You get used to it.”

“I do not believe that for one second,” Crystal muttered.

They stood in front of an old brick building squeezed between a tattoo shop and what appeared to be an abandoned laundromat.

Only the laundromat windows were blacked out completely.

And symbols Joey recognized from Cassandra’s apartment had been carved subtly around the doorway.

"Wait didn't this say it was an antique store last time?"Joey said.

"It's outside appearance and location changes constantly." Cassandra said as if this was common knowledge.

Protection runes.

Warnings.

The OPEN sign buzzed weakly.

Crystal stared upward.

“This place looks like meth dealers would be scared to come here.”

“That is accurate,” Cassandra said.

She pushed the door open.

A bell jingled overhead.

Immediately, the smell hit them.

Incense.

Dust.

Old paper.

And something metallic underneath it all.

The shop looked exactly as insane as Joey remembered.

Shelves stuffed with jars.

Bones hanging from strings.

Ancient books.

Weapons.

Candles.

A human skull wearing sunglasses.

Crystal stopped dead.

“…Why does the skull have sunglasses?”

From somewhere behind the counter Greta’s voice called out:

“Because he lacks the eyes to appreciate the ambiance.”

Crystal nearly jumped out of her skin.

Greta emerged from the back room carrying a wooden crate in her massive arms.

The enormous woman stopped the moment she saw Crystal.

Then, slowly grinned.

“Well now,” Greta rumbled. “Couldnt stay away, could you dear?”

Crystal blinked rapidly.

“…I’m sorry, are you a Viking witch?”

Greta barked a laugh loud enough to shake the shelves.

“Oh, I like this one.”

Cassandra immediately stepped between them.

“No.”

Greta looked offended.

“I was only going to flirt a little.”

“You flirt like a home invasion.”

“True.”

Joey rubbed his face.

“Why is every supernatural woman I meet insane?”

“Because normal women stopped talking to you years ago,” Cassandra replied smoothly.

“DAMN,” Crystal whispered.

Greta laughed again before finally noticing Cassandra’s serious expression.

The amusement faded slightly.

“You’re hunted,” Greta said immediately.

Cassandra nodded once.

“Multiple cells. Organized.”

Greta set the crate down carefully.

“That bad?”

“One already found the apartment.”

The shop went quiet.

Even Crystal straightened slightly at the change in tone.

Greta’s eyes narrowed dangerously.

“Well then,” she murmured, “sounds like someone needs an example made.”

Joey noticed something then.

For the first time since meeting Greta—

Cassandra relaxed slightly.

Just slightly.

Like she trusted Greta to handle this part.

“We need protection,” Cassandra said. “And offensive options if protection fails.”

Greta nodded once.

“I know a crew.”

Crystal looked nervous.

“What exactly qualifies as a ‘crew’ in your world?”

Greta smiled with far too many teeth.

“Monsters with union benefits.”

“…Cool. Hate that.”

Greta disappeared briefly into the back room before returning with several items wrapped in cloth.

She laid them out carefully. Explaining each:

Silver-edged knives. Silver doesn't just kill vampires it repells all supernatural things and wards off magic.

A compact shotgun with strange symbols etched into the barrel. This lovely concept changes what it shoots depending on who you are pointing it at, demons it is holy water, vampires it is silver, witches its is fire etc...

And a wicked-looking machete with symbols carved into it. Joey immediately decided he absolutely should not touch.

Naturally—

he touched it.

Greta smacked his hand instantly.

“Ow!”

“Don’t touch cursed objects.”

“How was I supposed to know it was cursed?!”

“It whispered at you.”

Joey paused.

“…In hindsight, that feels obvious.”

Crystal was laughing too hard to stand properly.

Meanwhile, Cassandra reached into the velvet pouch.

She dumped the contents onto the counter again.

Gold coins.

Jewelry.

Gemstones.

Greta stared at them for a long moment.

Then, I looked at Cassandra.

“…Are you serious?”

“What?”

“You carried around pirate treasure for dramatic effect?”

Crystal snorted.

Joey looked confused.

“What do you mean?”

Greta picked up the thumb drive between two fingers.

“This,” she said flatly, “is the only thing in this bag actually worth real money.”

Crystal blinked.

“…Wait what?”

Cassandra looked offended.

“What exactly did you all think I was doing? Paying assassins in doubloons?”

Joey opened his mouth.

Then, I slowly closed it again.

“I just assumed vampire rules were weird.”

Cassandra sighed dramatically.

“I have access to the internet, Joey.”

Greta muttered under her breath:

“She still calls Wi-Fi ‘the invisible library.’”

“I HEARD THAT.”

Crystal leaned against the counter, laughing helplessly now.

“You’re telling me ancient vampire Bitcoin is funding our survival?”

“It is not Bitcoin,” Cassandra snapped.

Greta coughed, "Ethereum.” loudly

Cassandra looked murderous.

Joey nearly collapsed, laughing.

And for one brief moment—

despite hunters, monsters, and whatever horrifying things Greta was about to unleash on the city—

the fear loosened its grip just enough for them to breathe again.