Uh, fancy meeting you here

Not quite sure what to say after, I looked to Seb for support.

"uh, you two know each other?" great help there buddy, but at least it was somewhere to start.

She seemed content to let me go first, "Yeah, not super well, was mostly just a shock to see someone I know here, assumed it would be all new people, ya know. They're one of Alice's friends but they met after I started messing things up with Her and the group."

"oh, just her friend huh? Seb I thought you told us you straightened him out."

"Her now, and I did, well sorta, didn't let them know Alice's whole life story and first time with a chick. Just the basics. Pet's world view was fucked. "

"So they do know she's gay at least." their slight building anger subsides and she turns to me "Still can't believe you didn't recognize me by voice, I'm not the one rocking a new register. Or when you were getting displayed on the cross for all of us for that matter."

"I was fuck-drunk at the time, you can't expect things from fuck-drunk Kris, she's an idiot." I'm trying to get my feet back under me, didn't plan to get reintroduced to someone from the old group so soon.

My joke makes her frown, then smirk. Her reply makes bury my head in Seb's chest again, "Oh still going by Chris, thought it was her now? Not going to go the full way? After tonight. The name, is where you drawl the line?"

She seems amused, at first, however before I could muster an answer she continued with a start. "-Wait wait wait, God I hope I'm wrong... This isn't another harebrained plan to make Alice Date you is it?"

A weak, muffled, "I spell it with a K now actually." was all she got in reply.

"Cute, now answer the question." all levity had left her at this point.

"Technically, no."

"Seb I really don't like the technically part of that sentence, what does she mean?

"This is on you pet, I've gotten no better at parceing your specific flavor of crazy." he looks down at me, in the eyes, not even responding to her.

I can't weasel out of this conversation.

I was not ready for this tonight, but I needed them both to understand.

"Why do you always say stuff like that about me when I'm just doing what makes sense." I say in a huff as I maneuver to be able to look at her better.

She seems to be willing to wait while I do so, if only so she can get an answer unmuffled by Seb's chest.

Now sitting on Seb's lap, Ive really grown to rely on his presence for comfort.

I've grabbed his arms from where they naturally went, like he expected me to start grinding any minute, and pulled them around me.

It was then I finally started. "It was never about 'making Alice date me'. Not this and not back then, I-" Only to be immediately cut off.

"Ya' sure about that, from where I was sitting, holding her while she was crying about losing her best friend, it seemed that way! She tried so hard to let you down gently and all it got her was you ghosting her and the group, then coming back months later, with a new look, acting like everything was fine just long enough for her to get comfort, THEN BAM, you put her on the spot again, she rejects you as gently as she can, then You ghosting again! Repeat ad nauseam. Hell at first the group thought she must have done something truly terrible to you, they assumed the worst, she almost lost her other friends over it! Really came off as date me or lose me and everything I can damage on the way out!"

I didn't even try to interrupt, this must have been building for a while, but she was so wrong about everything.

This is worse than I thought it was, did everyone see it this way?

Her tirade petered out as she saw the surprised and clueless look on my face.

I was starting to tear up but clamped down on it. I needed to fix this, I would never do that to her, it was always about fixing whatever was wrong with me.

"That's not how I meant any of that to be taken! I didn't take the rejection badly, until maybe that last time, but even then my motivation was the same. Change myself, because I was obviously missing something if she didn't find me attractive enough to date but enjoyed our time together!"

"And that meant you had to ditch everyone, why?"

She clearly didn't believe me yet but was willing to let me dig my own grave.

"Because that's how hard it was to change my look to how I Thought she wanted? You didn't know me in the early days when this first started, but I looked even more scrawny back then. I've been on hormones and off weight training for months now and I'm still not as thin and weak as I was before!"

"Bullshi-"

"Look it up, I don't have my phone but there should be pics on social from back then, check her profile, around freshman year in HS."

It took a few seconds of tapping before she responded.

"Sorry dude, looks like she must have deleted all your pics cause all I can find are these from last year."

She tosses the phone at me and after a second of scrolling I'm confused, "What do you mean, I'm right here." I turn the phone around and show her a photo she had already passed of me and Alice at a midnight release party.

She clearly doesn't believe me as she moves over to the couch, grabs the phone, and checks the tag, then flicks thought the rest, clearly looking for the lie.

"This was you?! Dude you looked more like a chick than you do right now!"

OK that does make me start crying, but at least is silent tears right now. Not even sure why that hurts as much as it does.

"I know, why do you think I spent 8 hours everyday after school at the gym." my voice was low and risked cracking but I couldn't stop now. "I asked a few of the others to come too, but they all couldn't or didn't want to keep my pace. So I just figured it was something I needed to do alone after the third time. I was NOT good at asking for others for anything, including help to not look like a nerd loser.-"

Right now I didn't hate how I looked back then, but in the moment I felt that what I had been bullied in school for was everything wrong with me, and was now costing me my best friend and crush. And if it was something wrong with me, it was my job to fix it. No matter what it took.

"-So I would put my nose to the grind stone and when I reached a major goal I would take a break and come back to hang out, when I was sure I had the look I was going for locked down, I would ask her out again hoping I had fixed what ever was wrong with me. When she said no, I tried something else, I'd have to figure out her type eventually. Right?"

"You really believe that don't you... OK, let's say I believe you, why did you think it was something you could change or that there was even a chance? Shouldn't you have started to wonder if it was something more by that point?"

"I've done a lot of thinking on this, at least when this cute guy isn't pounding my brains out." 'not sure if that joke landed', "-and I think I figured where I went wrong."

" Go on, I have to hear whatever you 'think' you've figured out."

"It all comes back to the first time she rejected me. 'Chris you're a great guy, anyone would be lucky to date you, but you're just not my type'.-"

"oh god, this better not be what I think it is."

"- so obviously I just needed to change my type, I even told her that. She clearly liked me for the 'me' parts of me. The rest was details and meat mech." Liz turned to Seb and mouthed 'meat mech', but I didn't let her running commentary stop me now. "So I paid attention to the movies and games we watched and played together, the male characters she liked was my goal. Now guessing she liked them for traits she for wanted herself instead of in her partner. Didn't any of you wonder why each time I came back I had a completely different style?"

"Wait you told her what you were doing?"

"Yeah, I only figured out how badly I misunderstood her response when Seb pulled me aside at the start of this year."

"What was her response...??" she trailed off for some reason.

"I don't think you can Chris."

"Fuck me, let me guess, you took that-"

"As a challenge, yes." she looked like she would have rather died than hear that, "it sounded too similar to how she would dare me to do stuff growing up. She was always more about that type of dare/bet/challenge stuff the guys liked doing than I ever was. She was a tomboy and I was her nerdy bestie. BUT I never backed down. Like it or not a challenge is a challenge."

"So let's say I believe you, how the fuck did that lead you to, this!" She finishes with an Exasperated gesture my way.

"I mean its basically the same, I just have better data than my bad assumptions. Could have saved so much time."

"The fuck, just like that, change everything hard swing the other direction, in what?! The hope that this time she says yes?" She looks concerned and confused. Not sure why. "You know she doesn't want to see you right, hurts too much still, and even if one of us set something up, like I bet you were planning to ask me or Seb to do, she is not going to react well, she has been doing well since Seb said you were handled. I do not want to open those wounds again."

"Well at first yes, but Seb's talked me out of that."

"Thank fuck for small miracles-"

" I have a better plan now."

"-Never mind."

"Seb knows exactly what type of women she wants, I'm going to become that woman. Then just exist around compass and hangouts more often. If I did a good enough job she'll come up to me and ask me out, if not then I clearly need more work."

"I have so many more questions, so Seb is just what, your training BF for a lesbian relationship?"

"Yep all part of the agreement, I do what he says, he helps me, he's a good friend and is going to make someone very happy someday."

"Seb you cool with this?"

"Cool enough, as hard as it is to find a lesbian hook up, it's more so for transmen. I've been enjoying myself. Not even the first time I helped train/prep a toy like Kris for someone else, it's just more... Complete."

"oh god, her crasy is rubbing off on you. Also what the fuck, I thought you wouldn't date or fuck anyone with a dick?"

"eh, it's been a non-issue. Besides look at how eager she is. Her default is cuddles and grinding." I may or may not have started teasing him with my ass while they talked around me....

"So she is... So Kris, you do know that you'll have to get that cut off right," pointing at crotch. "A cage isn't going to cut it for Alice. Pun intended"

"eh, like Seb said, non-issue, I'm not using it, when he decides it's time for it to go it'll get done."

" Christ on a cracker.... Just like that, no fear or questions!? "

" Yeppers, I trust him, and if neither him nor Alice like dicks at then all it's really good for is ego and masc pride. That's gotten me a whole lot of nothing so far. So snip way doc."

"Have you thought what your going to do if this also fails, like completely? Undoing this all is going to be harder then getting here. Harder than undoing your 'totally not a **** body'. "

"Honesty just keep rocking it, alot more enjoyable than I expected, way more comfortable doing this than all that stuff to be 'one of the guys'. Shits over rated. If she's not interested after becoming her type then that's it, I gave it my full effort. Can you really tell me she's not worth my wholehearted effort to fix my issues? And hey, it turned out I was right about it being something wrong with me, so I should work to fix it, I just had the wrong issues in my mind."

"Seb you are buying me a drink, because I'm too sober if that almost made sense to me... Kris, it's your lucky day, if I didn't believe that you were as stupid as you just explained to me I would have done everything in my power to keep you away from her. Instead I'm going to help you get your shot so this can all be behind us one way or another. Seb I'm going to need to borrow your pet every couple of weekends, you may know what Alice likes from stories or second hand but I've been with her, hell if one of us was any type of bottom we'd still be, FWB is still pretty good tho." Now was her turn to try to end on a joke, but while it didn't land, the part about helping made me smile.

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