Season 2, Episode 14 (#164 Overall) - Mojo Addresses His Audience, Part 2 of 5

Spiral's hand paused above the console as she heard Mojo resume speaking and she thought., "Oh God, He's Going Full Evangelist!"

Spiral saw Mojo over the monitor pressing a button on his hover platform's controls but it wasn't The Typical "Kill Everything That Shows Aggression" Button that was his usual go-to in these situations. Oh no, this button was so much worse because as soon as Mojo tapped it with one of his clawed fingers the air filled with the sound of music... Organ Music to be specific and Mojo closed his eyes and raised his hands., "Now Brothers and Sistas, I Know You're in Pain and I Am Right There With You... Lost and Trembling in The Bowels of Despair... Bored, Lonely, Angry but Mooooost of All Scared... Scared that There Will Be NO Moooooooore Apex..."

Several members of The Audience looked at each other on the verge of tears. They all knew that Mojo was nothing but a rancid pile of decaying excrement but he was hitting them where they lived so even if he was talking complete and utter horseshit his words resonated with them like a sledgehammer with a plate glass window.

The Sermon continued., "I Know You Waaaaant More Apex and Brothers and Sisters..." Mojo's voice rose dramatically as he punctuated his next three words by stabbing his finger at the air., "So. Do. I...," Mojo's face softened or at least as much as that yellow, oily and bloated mass of flesh could., "... And That's Why I Have Taken It Upon Myself To Punish Those Horrible, Horrible SINNERS For What They Have Done To Us! I Have Freed Their Tainted Souls and Cast them Into The Everlasting Fires of The Very Bad Really Not Good Very Bad Place..."

"Brothers and Sistas, I Sent Them To...," Mojo paused and leaned forward in a conspiratorial manner then with a highly exaggerated gesture Mojo brought the tip of his pinkie finger up to the corner of his mouth, his blubbery lips spreading into an unsettling grin before he burst into the kind of laughter that would make Demons cringe and Mad Scientists every where green with envy., "... The DMV!"

Everyone gasped in horror, shrieks and lamenting cries rang out from every direction as several of the weaker audience members committed ritual suicide in some very elaborate, species-specific ways... Some of which are now some of the highest grossing porn and slasher films ever made. Even Spiral swallowed loudly in the midst of the disquieting silence that followed the deaths of a quarter of the audience, not even daring to guess what he could possibly say next then suddenly it happened... an event that would leave entire races shattered beyond hope., "Phhffrrrttttttt-phhreeeeeeeeeee-phut-phut-phut!"

It was like someone trying to clear a French Horn stuffed with cabbage and drowning mice and the smell was next level like a cross between sulfur, onions, and chlorine gas with just the merest hint of rotten fish and almonds. The sound alone amplified by the studio's sound system and the planet's superior acoustics caused three crystalline species to shatter, a group of sentient gas clouds to implode before the horrific stench could reach them, and three Appoplexians directly underneath Mojo's hover platform began foaming at the mouth and sprouting extra heads and limbs. Six high-gravity races were crushed by the added atmospheric density and pressure while two others were literally melting were they stood. Even The Virtually Invulnerable Silicon-Based Krona and Horta were beginning to sweat as the massive neon green cloud of weapons-grade corrosive flatulence bore down them.

Spiral quickly sealed the control room, engaged the heavy reinforced blast doors, and switched over to the emergency life support system because this was definitely a serious emergency and she really didn't want to go through the ordeal of having her lungs replaced... Again. With a deftness that only someone with six arms could achieve she quickly vented the atmosphere in the studio sacrificing 47 audience members to save the remaining season ticket holders from imminent liquifaction. Those from races preferring a slightly cooler temperature than the balmy negative 270.45°C (-454.81°F) of space began to boil in their own rapidly evaporating juices while those from warmer planets froze and shattered while others literally exploded like water balloons stuffed with plastique explosive thanks to the absence of any meaningful equalizing external pressure to keep their insides inside.

Through it all Mojo appeared unfazed except for a little extra jiggle in his first, third and sixth fat rolls., "Wow, Did that just come out of me?... Whoa, I think my ears just popped!"

Once the malevolent stench cloud had been unceremoniously sucked into space Spiral quickly sealed the studio and began returning the atmosphere to each of the individual sections and within 3 minutes most of the audience was able to remove their breathing masks and five-point harnesses, and normal gravity was restored.

In a truly bizarre and oddly convincing moment of shy embarrassment, Mojo clasped his hands together as if in prayer, his voice taking on a solemn tone as his eyes teared up though that was probably just the residual radiation from breaking the sound barrier with his ass., "I really shouldn't have had that third worm burrito."

Everyone including Spiral grimaced at the thought and three Necrofriggians were so frightened by the image conjured by Mojo's comment that they completely phased out of reality altogether and have yet to return., "Whoa, That's gonna linger."

Mojo stepped forward and addressed the crowd in a much more serious manner, unusual for him to say the least since snarky, sarcastic schizophrenic meanness is pretty much his trademark brand and all. Mojo tapped a button and the six huge high-definition screens of the JumboTron or as Mojo liked to call it The MojoTron whirled to life in a blinding flash of white light that drew everyone's attention followed by a kaleidoscopic rainbow of impossible colors then a cleverly edited montage of clips from The Apex of Control's First Season courtesy of Spiral's expert re-mixing skills. Though if it had been me I wouldn't have let Mojo pick the music for the montage... I mean I really think almost anything would've been better than the theme song to Gilligan's Island.

"We here at The MTN, The Multiverse's Premiere Destination for Quality Programming are sensitive to your needs and we're very, very sorry...," There was actually a small greasy tear forming in the corner of his right eye., "... That its taken us so long to address this issue but rest assured we here at The MTN are dedicated to excellence and the letters, e-mails, and calls have really spurred upper management to action... [Especially The 42 Tons of Hate Mail]...," Mojo said that last part quietly under his breath before continuing., "... Regarding the problems we've been having maintaining our service contracts but you'll all be relieved to know that The Apex of Control will be back on the air lickety-split...," He said as an enormous wool sweater appeared out of nowhere and slipped itself over his head while a pair of thick-rimmed reading glasses fluttered into existence in a puff of smoke and perched themselves on his nose as he struck a match on one of his mechanical legs and used it to light the antique corn cob pipe in his other hand. After taking several long puffs off the pipe and blowing a series of intricate smoke rings he resumed speaking., "... So in honor of Apex's Imminent Return I've convinced Upper Management...," That was a lie of course since Mojo is The Totality of The Upper Management it just helped to pretend he was really on their side and that he had a piece of shit boss that made him make some of the ridiculous decisions he was known for., "... To let me do something I rarely get to do and that's to give all you Wonderful People and/or Other Diverse Classifications of Life a surprise sneak peak at the future of Apex... or specifically one possible future of coming events and since there are so many to choose from I've set The Visualizer to show us all a completely random never before seen sneak peek at what could be coming our way."

Mojo minus The Ward Cleaver-esque Ensemble filled the screens of The MojoTron as he leaned in holding a sign above his head that had the word "Applause" spelled in large black letters as he smiled the kind of smile that even the best cosmetic surgeons in any dimension would say was creepy, his light blue eyes in danger of popping out of their sockets with the way the skin was pulled away from them in a macabre form of fad popular among the more Affluent Spineless Ones like Mojo and if you looked at him at the right angle you could see the electrical impulses arcing through his optic nerves.

"Alright Everybody Get Ready To be Amazed!," Mojo declared in a voice reminiscent of a carny hopped-up on Speed, Dutch Coffee, and Brown Sugar. The gigantic screens of The MojoTron flickered then the montage faded and was replaced by a rapidly expanding view of The Canadian Wilderness in the dead of night bathed in the pale silvery light of Earth's three remaining moons.

Everyone was instantly on the edge of their seats as Aaron came into view, his trademark immaculate black suit was dirty, singed, and in tatters and he was barefoot.