We've got a mind of our own, so go to hell if what you're thinking is not right!

Nick was in a tight spot, and he knew it. He wished he had the words to say that would soothe Ella’s concerns and move past the obvious (and understandable) self-esteem issues that she was clearly leaning into right now.

But he wasn’t so naïve as to think he could solve a problem as severe as the one in front of him.

She thinks that because of her dissociative identity disorder, her criminal record, and Cinder’s volatility, that there’s no way that anyone could fall in love with her, let alone me. And unfortunately, that’s not really something I can do a whole lot about, is it?

Fundamentally, Ella wasn’t even necessarily wrong. While there was no telling whether or not Nick actually could fall in love with her in the future, the fact remained that he hadn’t yet, and she could obviously see it. And in spite of his fervent efforts to have them both enjoy the date (which they HAD been, up until this point, he was sure of it) none of that would matter if he couldn’t overcome the poor girl’s cynicism.

I doubt I can do that, though.

Nick let out a long sigh and extended his hands, palms facing up. He looked into Ella’s eyes, and saw they were filled with strife and confusion.

“…What do you want me to say?” He asked, for which he received a snort.

“You see?” Ella muttered, breaking her gaze. “It’s just as I thought. This whole time, you’ve just been trying to do what you think would make me happy.”

“Yeah, that’s what dating is,” Nick said bluntly. “It’s about trying to make your partner happy. You don’t need to ascribe some nefarious motive to it, Ella. It’s just a natural part of how a relationship works, that’s all.”

Ella winced. “…Ascribe? Nefarious, that’s…”

“Sorry, sorry, sometimes I use complicated words to say a simple, blunt point to avoid sounding too callous,” Nick apologized. “What I’m trying to say is that you’re looking at what I’m doing, and you think I’m doing it for all the wrong reasons. But I’m not. I’m not trying to make you happy in order to keep Cinder from reemerging, or because I’m obligated to do it. Ella, I genuinely want you to have a good time today. That’s all. There’s no deeper motive than that.”

Ella squirmed in her seat a little and looked anxiously at him. It was clear she wanted to believe him, and maybe a part of her regretted being so blunt and forceful earlier. But she just couldn’t overcome those doubts leaching into her heart.

“THWAP!” She snapped the rubber-band on her wrist and winced.

“…I wanted to have a good time, too,” she admitted, sighing. “And I thought I was. But… it’s not going to work out, is it?”

“It might,” Nick said firmly. “I can’t promise I’m going to fall in love with you, Ella. But right now, for better or for worse, we’re here. Together. And that’s going to continue until the end of this show. …We’re stuck together.”

That came out pretty bad. But it actually elicited a laugh out of her. It was a stunned laugh filled with disbelief, but it was still a laugh.

She looked at him with uncertainty and bit her lip. Like she was weighing her options and deciding whether or not to keep going and try to have a little hope, or maybe just cut her losses and end things right here.

Nick wasn’t sure what she’d ultimately decide on. But he wanted to help her make that choice if he could.

“Like I said… I want you to have a good time. If you’re not, then tell me what you want to do, and I’ll give it a shot,” he suggested. “That’s the thing about relationships and dating, Ella, you have to put in the effort. You have to try. Are you willing to do that?”

He genuinely wanted to know. Because given how conflicted she seemed to be, and the nature of her cynicism, he couldn’t be sure.

And it looked like she couldn’t be sure, either.

“…Why should I?” She asked finally, looking up and meeting his eyes. She looked like a wounded animal, staring at him pitifully like that. “Why bother trying, when I don’t believe it?”

He was talking to a girl who had been so beaten down by the demons in her head that she’d convinced herself that there was no hope to be found. And that was a difficult thing to overcome.

But he had to try. Not just for any potential relationship between the two of them, but because he was pretty sure it was the only way he could save her life.

“…I used to feel that way too,” he admitted, which surprised her.

“You… you did?” She studied him cautiously, suspiciously, like she wasn’t sure if she could trust his words or not. “…What do you mean?”

“I used to think that there wasn’t any hope for me, either,” Nick said somberly, looking down at the kittens crawling around the floor. “That I was destined to die alone and unloved, a virgin that would never even talk to another woman, let alone be intimate with one.”

That seemed to genuinely throw Ella off. She wasn’t sure how to respond at first, but she quickly recovered. “But… everybody, they’re all…”

So happy. Unlike me.

Nick sensed what she was insinuating, and nodded. “Yeah, we get along now,” he acknowledged. “But it wasn’t always like that. Definitely not for me, anyway. Before this show, back when I was on earth… I really thought my life was over. At least, in any way that really mattered.”

He met her gaze again. “I think you know what that’s like, right?” He asked.

Ella nodded without even thinking. “Do you… want to talk about it?” She asked cautiously, not quite sure what she was doing. She felt a strange tug of kinship in her chest, like she was seeing a side to Nick that she’d never seen before, something that resonated with her. And while it frightened her, it also made her feel an odd sense of desperation.

Like if she didn’t follow this thread, then she might never be able to have the happiness that Nick and his harem had achieved for themselves.

But I thought… that was something I’d already given up on?

Apparently not.

“You haven’t watched any of the show before you came on, have you?” Nick assumed. “The stuff that happened at the beginning.”

Ella shook her head. “I don’t… the host, she just came to me, and said, well… that it would be my only chance. And now, here I am.”

“…Do you want to?” Nick asked. He knew it was poor form to talk about other women when on a date, but somehow the context felt completely different. He had a sense that this, more than anything else, would be what resounded strongest with Ella and her doubts.

The nod of her head confirmed his suspicions- or at least, he hoped it did.

“Well, to start, Dakota wasn’t always the host of this show,” he explained. “Before you showed up, for a while, Sylvia was in charge actually.”

“Yeah, I, I did know that,” Ella nodded. It would be hard to miss that one.

“But what you might not know is that Dakota and I… we used to be friends,” Nick said, his voice aching as he remembered those days. “When we were kids, and then… then she died.”

Ella winced.

Nick was working himself up right now, but he pushed forward. “After that, my life kind of fell apart. I desperately tried to make things work with other women, and fixated on them to the point that I drove them away. That… it was Dakota’s doing, in part, but she’s not fully responsible for it. A lot of that… it was me.”

That was the part that hurt most. He could try and blame Dakota, but ultimately, it was his reaction to those nightmares that carried the blame. She hadn’t possessed him and made him come across as a creepy stalker to Dawn, or overly clingy to Dani. She hadn’t messed things up with Holly.

Those problems were his. And he conveyed each and every one of them to Ella, leaving nothing out. Sharing all the negative things he did, and how each rejection, each damaged relationship, chipped away a little bit more at his hope.

“…And finally, I just reached a point where I couldn’t go on anymore,” he admitted, shaking his head. “I convinced myself that I had no hope of finding love. That I’d had my chances. I mean, you probably don’t know this, but it’s pretty difficult to find a relationship when you become an adult. And I’m not just talking about a romantic partner, I mean a relationship in the general sense. Friends, acquaintances, whatever, it’s just so difficult these days thanks to how obsessed everyone is with their own private little worlds…”

Nick realized he was going off on a tangent and sounding like some old guy bitching about “the kids these days” so he quickly redirected back to the point at hand.

“…Anyway, eventually, I reached the point where I decided enough was enough. I could either keep wallowing in my misery for an eternity, or I could try to retake control over my life. So I went into therapy.”

Ella stiffened and her hands started trembling. Nick knew that was probably a major trigger button for her, but he couldn’t go back.

That first step, more than anything, was responsible for getting him here, and he had to persevere out of honesty and openness.

“…Sylvia was my therapist,” he added, and Ella’s jaw hit the floor.

“S-Sylvia?!” She sputtered. “But she’s-!”

“Yeah, I know, I can’t believe it either, looking back,” Nick said, cutting her off with a raised hand while massaging his temples with the other. “But believe it or not, she was actually very good at it, back then. She helped me examine my life, and focus on myself. Find the things about me that were positive, that people might see and potentially love. And because of that, I kept going. I didn’t give up. I started small, you know, shaving, changing my clothing style, showering regularly, just little things I could do to feel like I was making improvements.”

“And… that helped?” Ella asked.

He nodded. “It did. At least at first. But most of that… it was superficial. I think a part of me still believed that I would never actually find real love. Not until I came here. To this place.”

What a bitter medicine. Nick, for all he’d opposed this show, and continued to oppose this show, for everything morally wrong he accurately observed in it, he couldn’t ignore the fact that it had actually given him the thing he’d wanted most.

“This show gave me the opportunity to move on with my life, and leave the pain of the past behind me,” he confided. “Even though some of the things that Sylvia and Dakota did still make me sick to my stomach, I can’t deny that in the end, it did help me.”

Someday Nick might be able to accept that without being overwhelmed by guilt. Someday. But that day wasn’t today.

Ella was very quiet. Nick wasn’t done, but he wanted to let what he’d said sit with her, and see if it affected her at all.

Finally, she opened her mouth to share her thoughts.

“So that’s it, then?” She asked, not meaning to sound as bitter as she did. “You ended up in this place, and what, everything’s good now? Because people could see your good sides, and you could make amends, and find love?”

Nick was thrown off for a moment, but even though he knew that Ella’s question was a rhetorical one spurred by cynicism he felt compelled to answer it.

“Yes, that’s right,” he confirmed. “That’s what happened. This place, this show, it gave me an opportunity. A second chance. And I tried to make the most of it. I made a lot of mistakes along the way, and I still ended up hurting people even when I didn’t want to, but ultimately, I have changed for the better, even if this show has done reprehensible things. For all the evil behind it, I’m a more confident man than I was three months ago, because now I know that it is possible for me to be loved. And I think it’s possible for you, too.”

Ella wanted to believe him, she really did. But…

“But you already had those good qualities,” she pointed out. “You made mistakes, but you were still a good person. When you messed up with Holly, you did it because you didn’t want to upset her or make her feel uncomfortable. Same with Carly. You never actually hurt her- you just didn’t make your move in time because of your doubts.”

“That isn’t the case with Dani,” Nick pointed out. “Or Dawn, for that matter. I did a lot of things wrong when I tried to get closer to them.”

“Mistakes,” Ella replied bluntly. “You’re still a good person. Dawn likes you. Dani is your friend. But me… I’m… I’m not…”

“What? You’re not a good person?” Nick cut right to the heart of the matter. “Because of what you did before? Or because of Cinder?”

He knew he would probably cause her a lot of distress with that question. And the look on her face confirmed it.

But if she didn’t confront this, if she just ran away again, then what was even the point of trying to reach her?

“THWAP! THWAP!” Cinder was struggling to get free. But Ella wouldn’t let her. She needed to see this through herself.

“I… I don’t, I… I’m…”

“I don’t think you’re a bad person,” Nick said gently. “It’s obvious that you care a lot. And it’s obvious that Cinder cares a lot. You two have more in common than you think, Ella, you’re both very compassionate and caring.”

Ella’s eyes widened in shock. Just like that, Cinder was completely settled.

“…What? No. Caring!?” She must have heard that wrong. “I-I… maybe I am, but Cinder-”

“Cinder is a caring person,” Nick cut her off. “It’s just that the only person she cares about is you.”

“…But she is me,” Ella pointed out. No matter how much she might try to differentiate herself with Cinder, no matter how different the two of them were, the fact of the matter was that she wasn’t some malevolent spirit possessing her body.

Cinder was Ella. She was a different perspective of Ella, but she was still Ella.

And no amount of wishing otherwise would change that one simple fact.

Nick could see that this road was too treacherous to go down in her current state of mind. But if he didn’t want the conversation, and thus the date, to end here, he needed to come up with some other way to reach her.

“I think you have lots of attractive qualities,” he blurted out. “Things that people, myself included, would fall in love with.”

Ella’s eyes widened in shock for a moment, and then she wrapped her arms around herself. “…Like my breasts, you mean?” She asked quietly. “I saw you staring at them before. I don’t see why, they’re not that big, they-”

“I didn’t mean that!” Nick exclaimed, his face turning red. “I meant, I…” He fumbled for something to say, and Ella picked up on that.

“My hair, then?” She asked meekly, reaching up to play with her bangs. “I know you like short hair, even if I don’t…”

“No, it’s not about that, or about your looks!” Nick groaned. “Ella, I’m talking about your inner qualities. That’s what really matters when it comes to love, not what you look like.”

“…Okay then,” Ella said timidly, willing to humor Nick for at least a little while. And Cinder seemed willing to do so as well. She hadn’t started a fuss since Nick had talked about how caring the two of them were. “So what are they? These ‘inner qualities’ that people might fall in love with? Besides being caring, I mean. You already used that one.”

Nick stiffened.

“That… I don’t…”

“See?” Ella declared in bitter triumph, looking down at the floor. “You can’t think of any, can you? Because I don’t have any. I’m just a bitter mess of a girl, and I hate it!” She sobbed out. But she couldn’t cry.

Tears would bring Cinder out. Absolutely.

Nick’s face softened. He wished he could help her, he really did.

But he didn’t know how. He didn’t know enough about Ella to reach her, to convince her of the things he needed to convince her.

And that was just it, wasn’t it?

“Ella, the reason I can’t think of any is because I don’t know you,” he admitted. “Isn’t that why we went on this date today? To get to know one another better?”

She looked up at him and wiped her eyes. Her expression was still suspicious, but she had more hope in her gaze than he’d expected.

“…I thought it was…” She mumbled, waiting to see where he was going with this.

“You asked me before, if I thought I could fall in love with you or not,” Nick said, understanding her dilemma. She didn’t think it was possible. “And I can tell you honestly that I don’t know if I will. But I want to try. I want to try to get to know you, both your good parts and your bad parts. And when we get to know each other, then maybe we’ll be able to say whether or not we’ve fallen in love. Isn’t that how this works?”

Ella didn’t say anything. But when Nick put it like that, she realized that a part of her had assumed that falling in love with Nick was a matter of course. He was her only option, after all. But what if she didn’t?

She had never considered that.

“I… I don’t really know anything about you, either,” she admitted, her cheeks flushing. “…But still! I don’t see how getting to know me would change anything! All that will happen is you’ll see just how flawed and broken I really am!”

“And why is that bad?” Nick asked. “If people can fall in love with me, in spite of my flaws, in spike of how broken I was, why can’t I fall in love with you?”

“Because… because…!”

Ella couldn’t give him an answer. Her mind drew a complete blank.

Nick reached out, attempting to take her hand, but he hesitated. Instead, he looked into her eyes.

“Before I came here, I had given up on myself,” he said. “I had given up on the idea of anyone loving me, like you have. But… I don’t want to give up here. I want to try. To get to know you, to get to like you, and then maybe even fall in love. I can’t promise you it will happen, but I promise I’m going to try to see every side of you, Ella, and accept them all.”

He could see that she really wanted to believe him. Which is what made the next part so hard to say.

“…But even if I can’t… even if things don’t work out between us… that doesn’t mean you’re incapable of being loved,” he said gently. “I might be your last chance. But I don’t have to be. And I don’t want to be, either.”

“Huh!?” She looked at him in alarm.

Nick clarified what he meant. “I don’t want you looking at me like I’m your one and only chance at love and happiness,” he said firmly. “Because I’ve been down that road myself, and it leads nowhere good. I want you to go into this with open eyes, accepting that it could work out, or could not work out, and that both of those outcomes are okay for you.”

It must have sounded to her like he was already giving up on the two of them. But that wasn’t what he was doing.

He was giving her the ability to say no. To decide for herself whether or not he was someone she wanted to be with.

Whether she took it that way, or in some other, more self-loathing way, he really couldn’t control. And that was the whole point.

Ella had lived her whole life without any control. He wanted her to make a decision for herself for a change.

Even if it seemed like she was too broken to do it.

“I… I think… I think I want to continue the date,” Ella said finally. The look she gave him was heavy on uncertainty and light on hope. But it was obvious she was still going to try. “I don’t know if it will go well… but I want to. Just in case.”

“I want to keep going too,” Nick agreed, giving her a small smile. One she actually returned.