And get my feet back on the ground

It took a long while for Carly to stop crying. When she was finally coherent enough to talk, Gina and Mary helped her over to the couch, leaving the chowder forgotten. Dinner could wait, right now there was a poor woman in need of comfort.

“…I’m sorry for messing everything up,” Carly apologized, sniffling as she gazed into Nick’s eyes. “Normally I can handle myself when those feelings flare up, but today… I don’t know, it was a lot worse than usual and I couldn’t control it.”

“Carly, it’s alright,” Nick said, gently rubbing her back. “You don’t need to apologize, no one here is upset with you. We all want to support you however we can.”

“But that… this isn’t how tonight was supposed to go!” Carly sniffled, wiping her nose. “We… we were supposed to have sex… You, me, and Gina, we were all… and I completely ruined it. I can’t do anything right!”

“Are you serious right now!?” Gina shook her head incredulously, incapable of keeping the shock out of her voice.

Nick and Mary both shot her looks that made her flinch, and she took a step back. “…Sorry, that… I didn’t mean to say it so harshly, it’s just… Carly, nothing’s ruined just because we can’t have sex with Nick tonight. I promise, nobody is thinking about that stuff right now.”

Holly was thinking about that stuff right now. But she would never say a word about it. She diligently brought Carly some warm milk from the kitchen to help her calm down.

“We just want you to feel better, Carly,” Mary swore. Then she winced. “…I’m sorry, was that insensitive? You lost a child… there’s no way you’ll ever ‘feel better’ about that… Oh gosh, why do I always have to say stupid stuff?! Why?!”

She paced around the room and rapped her fingers against her head in frustration. She felt like as big of a foolish jerk as Rose sometimes!

“Mary… it’s okay,” Carly said, shaking her head. “I understand what you’re trying to say, really, I do.”

“Then… you’re not mad?” Mary asked cautiously.

“Why would I…?”

“Be… because of all the baby talk!” The redhead exclaimed. “I’ve been so focused on my baby and what it’s like being pregnant, plus my breast milk, and every time I talk about it, it keeps bringing back those bad memories, and I didn’t even think about it, and oh, gosh, I must be just the worst person in the world! How can you even stand to be in the same room as me?!”

As a religious woman, self-loathing and guilt were no strangers to the redhead. “And I’m making it even worse by bringing it up now…”

“No, Mary… it’s not your fault,” Carly said gently. She reached out and placed her hand over Mary’s. “This didn’t happen because of your breastmilk, or your talk about being pregnant.”

Mary sniffled and wiped her eyes. “…It didn’t?”

Carly shook her head. “Do you think I’ve ever forgotten about Emmy? Never. Not once. I think about her every day. You talking about babies isn’t going to suddenly bring back memories I’ve been trying to bury. That’s not how it works. Yes, when I’m having a bad day like today, it doesn’t help. But it’s not your fault, Mary.”

Mary frowned. Carly might be excusing it, but judging by what she was saying it sure SOUNDED like it was her fault.

“I’m going to be fine,” Carly insisted, but her voice shook too much for anyone to really be convinced. “I just need to make it through today. This isn’t the first time this has happened. I just… it’s so hard. I miss her… my little girl… I miss her so much-!”

She broke into another fit of sobs, and Nick held her on one side while Mary hugged her from the other. That just left Gina standing awkwardly beside the couch, not sure what to do. She wasn’t good with things like this. Comforting people, making them feel better… Nick and Mary knew what they were doing, but as for her…

Gina glanced awkwardly over at Holly, who hovered by the kitchen door with an anxious look on her face. She wasn’t sure whether she should step in or not, herself.

“Again, Carly, please, just tell me what I can do,” Nick asked gently. He couldn’t take her pain away, but if there was some way he could lessen it somehow, he wanted to try. “I’d do anything to see you smile again.”

Carly raised her head, and gave him a shaky grin in response. “There’s nothing you can do, Nick. But just being here with me… that’s enough.”

She wrapped her fingers together with his, and a sigh escaped her lips.

“I just… I don’t want Dani to find out about this.”

Nick flinched and his eyes widened in alarm. He didn’t like the sound of that. Keeping what happened tonight a secret from Dani?

“Carly, we’re not going to lie for you,” Mary said as gently as possible while still making sure she sounded forceful. “That would be wrong.”

“No, I know… and I… I wouldn’t want you to do that.” Carly wiped her eyes and took a few breaths to try and calm down. “That was wrong… it just… it just slipped out.”

“Can I ask why?” Nick felt awful for asking, like he was pressuring her. But he was concerned about what was happening. Dani and Carly’s relationship was a serious one from everything he’d seen, even if it was a little different than a traditional relationship given his involvement in it.

Wouldn’t she want the support of her partner? Or at least want her partner to know that something serious like this had happened?

Carly made a pained expression, and a haunted shadow flickered across her face for a moment. Then she let out a long sigh and sank back into the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest as she hugged herself.

“Because… I’m not at my best right now.”

Nick didn’t know what that meant.

“Carly?” Mary asked in confusion, not sure what else she should say other than the poor girl’s name.

“Dani likes me because I’m cool and positive. Because I’m not afraid of anything, and because I’m always open to new ideas,” Carly said, her voice aching. “I want her to see how great I am, not… not to feel bad for me. She’s already supported me so much… it’s not fair! Don’t you get it?!” She wailed, snapping her head up and looking at Nick with tearstained eyes.

Then she turned to Mary. “Mary, you understand, right?” She gasped out. “Don’t you want to be perfect for Nick? Don’t you hate when it feels like he’s always the one taking care of you, and that you can’t do anything for him back?!”

She started pulling fretfully at her orange hair. “If I can’t make her smile, then what am I even good for!? Just a pretty face? I’m trying so hard to give her the kind of love she deserves, because things are hard for her, being on this show. But if she’s the one taking care of me all the time and tending to my feelings, then I’m just a burden!”

Nick and Mary both froze for a moment. They both knew that Carly, overwhelmed as she was, wasn’t thinking about this clearly. But neither one of them could find a way to tell her that wouldn’t result in another breakdown.

“…I get it.”

Surprised, Carly turned to Gina, who had been quietly standing to the side the whole time.

The punk girl shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other, finding it hard to look the cosplayer in the eye. But she finally summoned her courage to face Carly directly and repeated herself a little louder.

“I get it, okay? It sucks to feel like you’re letting someone down. Like you can’t be the person they want you to be.”

She was putting more of her own feelings into those words than she expected. And Carly recoiled in surprise.

“N-no, that’s not what I…”

“Isn’t it, though?” Gina asked. “You’re afraid she’s going to feel disappointed, right? That you’re going to hurt her? Because you can’t be what you think she needs you to be for your relationship to work…”

Gina glanced at Nick out of the corner of her eye for a fraction of a second. She didn’t even realize she did it, it just came naturally to her. But Carly caught it, and realized what Gina was feeling.

“…I… I just want… I just don’t want Dani to have to share this,” Carly admitted. “When I’m with her, I’m so happy… but Emmy… she’s still there. Dani shouldn’t have to feel that burden. And you guys… you shouldn’t, either.”

She clutched her chest, wishing she could push past her breasts and soothe the ache in her heart directly.

“But Carly, that’s what being in a relationship is,” Nick finally managed to say. He’d hesitated, but Gina stepping in had given him enough time to build up his courage. And when Carly looked at him in confusion, he knew it was the right thing to do.

He softened his voice and gently rubbed her shoulder. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this show and all the women I’ve been with, it’s that when you’re in a relationship with someone, sharing your pain with them isn’t putting a burden on their shoulders. They’re lightening your burden.”

“R-really?” Carly wiped her eyes and looked at Nick in amazement. “I didn’t… really?”

She’d never been in a relationship before. This was all new to her. Nick wasn’t surprised that she had never considered it that way before.

“That’s what you’re doing right now, isn’t it?” He pointed out. “You’re sharing the burden of your pain with us. I don’t know if it’s helping you feel better, but I know that we’re not worse off for you having done so, Carly. And Dani wouldn’t be, either. She loves you, just like I do, and if she knew what you were going through right now, she’d break that door down trying to come comfort you.”

Carly sputtered out an awkward laugh and shook her head, actually managing to smile as she pictured that. “Yeah… she would…”

“When I married Nick, I promised that I would always be there for him,” Mary said, entering the conversation herself. “Even though I knew that I would have to be prepared for a lot of pain, seeing the man I loved sleeping with other women. But I was fine with that, because I love him, and I want him to be happy. A relationship is about accepting the other person as they are, from the things that make them happy to the things that bring them pain. If you’re not willing to share that burden with Dani… are you really in a relationship with her, then? Or are you just showing her the side of yourself that you want her to see?”

Nobody saw Gina flinch at those words, but she shrank back, feeling like Mary had plunged a dagger into her chest. She gazed longingly at Nick, and then quickly shook her head. This isn’t about me. This isn’t about me at all, it’s about Carly right now.

“…I want to really be in a relationship with her,” Carly said. “But I’m scared.”

She grabbed Nick’s arm and held him close, pressing her chest against him. “It’s not like with you, Nick. When I’m with you, I just, I don’t know… it all comes so much easier. It’s like there’s this wall, where I know it doesn’t matter what side of myself I show. Because you’ll just accept it. But with Dani, everything is so fraught with meaning… I’m afraid of messing up. I’m trying to make this work for all three of us, but… I can’t be perfect the way you need me to be.”

“Carly, neither of us need you to be perfect,” Nick pointed out, blowing a massive hole in her statement. “We just need you to be yourself. Dani and I are both going to accept you for who you are, if you just give us the chance.”

She looked gratefully up at him and nodded.

“…So what do you want to do?” He asked, breaking the tense silence hanging over the room. “Do you want to call Dani up here so you two can talk? So she can comfort you like I am?”

“I think that’s the right call,” Gina agreed. “But frankly, the bed’s going to get a little crowded.”

That couldn’t be avoided.

“I… I really don’t want that,” Carly admitted. “I want to talk to her tomorrow, when it’s just the two of us, rather than drag her up here. But that’s not right, is it? The right thing to do would be to tell her as soon as possible, and open up to let her in, huh?”

“It’s not about what’s right,” Nick stated. “It’s about what you want to do. You’re the one hurting right now, Carly. Whatever will help you most, that’s what you should do. Even if it’s not the ‘right’ thing. That’s what Dani would want, too.”

Carly bit her lip and nodded, knowing Nick was telling the truth.

“Then… I want both,” she said. “Dani and you. I want you both to comfort me. …Not like that! I mean… well…”

She turned red and shook her head. “I just want Dani here…”

Carly’s heart was still in turmoil. Part of her dreaded the idea of bringing Dani into this, and pushing her pain onto the other girl. But at the same time, what Mary and Nick said was the truth. If Dani was hurting, then she would want to know. She’d do whatever she could to make the other girl happy, because she loved her.

Maybe… maybe she was thinking about this all wrong, trying to go it alone. She was surrounded by people who cared about her, from Nick and Dani, to her sisters, Marley (and kind of Rose) to Gina and Mary and Holly, who were just bystanders trying to help. And even Amelia, who had tried to comfort her with a hug.

Right now, though, she wanted Dani and Nick to be there for her. Everything would be okay if only they were here, that’s what she felt.

I don’t know how long I’m going to hurt like this… even now, just thinking about Emmy makes me want to… want to… yeah. Carly could feel the urge to cry welling up inside her again, but she pushed it down.

“If you want to talk to Dani, we’ll see what we can do,” Nick promised. But he doubted it would be that easy. Curfew had already long-passed, which meant they were stuck up here. No going down. No leaving the room.

“Dakota?” Nick fought back a growl and stood up, getting off the couch. “I know you’re watching this. So you should already know what to do here, right?”

Surprise, surprise, Dakota popped into the Master’s Suite a couple seconds later, her face an icy mask as she stared blankly at the group.

“This was not how I expected this evening to go,” she said coldly, scanning the room. “And I doubt the audience was hoping things would go this way, either.”

“Well, sorry, but Carly’s needs aren’t a part of your little schedule,” Gina sneered, crossing her arms over her chest. She might not be close to the cosplayer but she wasn’t afraid to get mean for someone else’s sake.

Dakota gave her a passing glance, and her face softened slightly.

“You just want me to bring Dani here, is that right?”

“Would you do that?” Mary asked hopefully.

Dakota let out a tired sigh. “You realize that this isn’t exactly in compliance with how your transformation works, right, Carly? Bringing in other people besides the one you chose voids your-”

“Nobody cares about that,” Nick snapped.

Carly nodded. “I-I don’t care about the VP or anything. I just want to see Dani. Dakota, please-”

“Fine, fine, god, don’t start crying again, I get it!” Dakota cut her off with a raise of her hand, and then massaged her temples. “This isn’t my fault, okay? I’m not to blame here. Just do whatever you want and fucking leave me out of this.”

She tapped her cane on the ground, and disappeared. Suddenly Dani appeared in the room with a yelp, falling right where she had been standing moments before. She was dressed in a silk nightgown, and judging by the height she’d fallen from, it seemed like she’d been in bed.

If she’d been asleep, she’d definitely woken up now. She looked around in confusion.

“Wait, huh? The Master’s Suite? What am I doing here?!” She asked, scrambling to her feet.

Her eyes landed on Carly, and she saw the red rings around her girlfriend’s eyes and immediately rushed to her side.

“Carly!? Oh no, what’s wrong? What can I do?”

Seeing the raw emotion on Dani’s face momentarily pushed Emmy out of Carly’s thoughts, and she smiled, pulling her girlfriend into a sudden hug that caught her off-guard.

“I’m just glad you’re here,” Carly said, squeezing her tight. “I… I had a really rough time, Dani. But you’re here now.”

She wished she could say that Dani being here made everything better, but that wasn’t how it worked. Already the pain of Emmy’s loss was creeping back into her heart, threatening to send her into another wave of tears. But she wouldn’t let that shake her.

I have to tell her everything.

So Carly went through it all again, every last step of her day. From waking up in the morning and taking a shower, to thinking about Emmy in the mirror, to all the intrusive thoughts that had plagued her on the beach, to sobbing into her bowl of clam chowder. It was long and painful, and she’d cried several times recounting events. But Dani listened to all of it without judgment, and Nick held her hand through the whole thing.

“…I felt that I couldn’t tell you,” she admitted. “Because you always look at me with those starry eyes of yours, like I’m the most amazing woman in the world. I love when you look at me like that, because it makes me feel like I’m doing something right.”

She lowered her head. “I didn’t want to push my pain onto you, because you’ve already got so much that you’re dealing with… so I tried to pretend everything was alright. And that was wrong. I should have trusted you enough to open up to you and let you into my heart.”

Yes, you should have, Dani wanted to say. But she was afraid that would sound too judgmental. Carly wasn’t wrong for being afraid of what Dani’s reaction might be.

That just meant Dani hadn’t done a good enough job as a girlfriend.

“Carly, anything you’re feeling, I want to share it with you,” she said firmly, taking Carly’s other hand into hers. “Because I love you. If you’re feeling heartbroken because the pain of losing Emmy is too much for you to bear, I want to be there for you. I might not be able to make you feel better, but at least you won’t have to go through it alone.”

“She’s right, Carly,” Nick agreed. “Dani and I care about you so much. And your sister loves you too. You don’t have to hold back your feelings just because you want us to be happy. There’s nothing wrong with being sad because your partner is having a bad day. It’s okay to put yourself first, and just accept that you’re having a hard time.”

“And when you are,” Dani jumped in, “Nick and I will support you however we can. Even if that means you want us to pretend that everything’s okay, so the three of us can smile and have fun together. Right, Nick?”

“That’s right,” Nick nodded. “If you need us to pretend, then we’ll pretend. If you need a good cry to get it out of your system, we’ll be there for you. Or we’ll leave you be if you need space. Whatever you need, Carly, Dani and I want to give it to you.”

Carly sniffled and took back her hands to wipe away her tears. They were still tears she was shedding for her daughter, but now she was shedding them for the people she cared about as well. “Thank you both,” she sniffled, shaking like a leaf as a wavering smile twitched up the sides of her lips. “Thank you both so much…!”

While Dani and Nick comforted the crying Carly, Gina, Mary and Holly all watched from the side.

Mary noticed the tears in the corner of Gina’s eye, and whispered, “Are you okay?”

“I… I don’t want to talk about it,” Gina mumbled, wiping her eyes. She’d been about to say “I’m fine” but she knew that was a lie. And after everything that happened tonight, even a small lie like that one just felt so wrong.

She couldn’t spoil this moment. Not with something like that.