I Shouldn't Trust Him

If there is anyone in this world I shouldn't trust it's him. Well maybe him and that lecherous old cab driver and half of the guys who I satisfied in the glory hole. Come to think of it most of the men I've been with gave me plenty of reasons not to trust them. Of the ones I can remember distinctly, I think fewer I would regard as trustworthy than the latter.

Jake. Lucas. I can trust those men. Even when they push my limits they can sense when they're at the bleeding edge of going too far and they pull back of their own accord and that's the actual point of things. The man in the alleyway, the handsome one I met in the library, I think that I can count him among them as well. Something about him still makes me feel safe, even though I don't even know his name.

Kindness to his eyes maybe. But decidedly not the point.

Blake is not that kind of man. Eddie I don't know about and the cab driver definitely not but Blake? He's on the other side of that divide. He won't... he will...

Then again maybe it's just because all of our time together has been bent to this purpose. Him pushing my limits, breaking me into a submissive to use for his own means.

Yet somehow even though I've known all along that was his goal and even though I saw categorical evidence of the hollow future we had together were I to give in wholly, I can't deny that I do trust him in spite of all of it.

I'm not a monster. I may be an asshole, but I'm not a monster.

Wasn't that what he said to me the first night we met? Certainly it was something along those lines.

And the thing is that in all the time I'd spent together he'd only managed to prove that to be true. In spite of the ways that he pushed and pressed and molded me into the woman he wanted, or tried to at least, he always respected me when I said no.

Even tonight, when he was so close to breaking that. The moment that little word left my lips was the moment he let me pull away. And I can't give him too much credit for that and I cannot say that it was wholly without purpose. Truthfully even I have to acknowledge that him giving me that space suited his needs more than if he'd barrelled through.

Blake doesn't just want a body to fuck, after all. He's in it for the long haul.

And pushing past my borders without my consent and violating my person is a surefire way to send me packing. There is such a difference between him bringing me to confess that I want this and agreeing to it, and him taking it without my permission.

So if for no other reason than his own selfish plans, he would hold back. And for that reason and maybe that reason alone I can trust him. Or I think I can at least.

Truthfully he reads me well enough to know when I need air. He knows how hard to thrust to be close to too much for me without actually crossing over. Blake knows how to bend the rules without breaking any one of them, and so I'm more than happy to give him the leeway, the space, to push me right up to that edge secure in the fact that he will leave me intact in the end.

Though sometimes it certainly doesn't feel that way.

The alleyway is filled with the sounds of our bodies coming together. The wet slap of his hips on my face. Ragged breathing, gasping for air. Moans spilling out unbidden and uncontrolled and the scrabbling shake as I shuffle and search for purchase.

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