I Write a Personal Essay

I spent the two days leading up to my second session with Cameron plagued with doubts. I took online ‘Am I Gay’ quizzes on odd websites that I would immediately discount; I searched up interracial porn only to click out of it; I slept badly because I was too afraid to even masturbate.

The morning of, as I wrestled with the problem over breakfast, I came to an elegant solution: I’d write an essay. I would argue each side and see which one had the rhetorical edge. The essay would decide my fate.

I returned to my dorm and worked through my usual process on a sheet of paper. For a simple compare-and-contrast essay, I started with the essential question, “Would taking an X-Change Pill and trying to have sex with Cameron result in a better outcome than not doing so?” I could clean up the phrasing in the edit process.

First came the arguments in favor. I listed them out quickly: it would probably feel good, possibly even amazing, it could make me feel sexy and desired, the new experience could help me grow and understand myself, I would have an excuse to spend more time with Abbie. After listing a few more, I realized the essay might not have space for all of them, so I moved to the arguments against.

I tapped my pen against the paper.

I glanced at my clock.

A sigh escaped my lips.

Finally, I found the words, and I wrote: “I’m afraid of what it would mean for me if I liked it.”

I stood and texted Abbie. In moments, I was out the door, the outline on my desk never becoming an essay.