Emotional Noise

“Not like you to visit,” Sophie said as she handed me a soda before moving over to cuddle up to Daniel on the couch.

“I’m not interrupting anything, am I?” After spending most of the day cleaning the apartment, I found myself wanting to get out. Chloe was spending some much needed time with her mom, Natalie was out with her boyfriend for their anniversary, and Alexis was… elsewhere.

“Not at all!” Daniel said as he wrapped an arm around his wife. “Us old people like to drink wine and watch TV on Saturday.” Sophie rolled her eyes as he continued. “Yep… Once you hit the big Three-Oh, it’s nothing but lights out at ten and waking up to random aches and pains.”

“Stop,” she said with a laugh.

“My wife beats me,” he stage whispered. “Every night. It’s like sleeping next to one of those inflatable balloon guys.”

She frowned, putting on an air of displeasure. “Maybe I would sleep better if someone didn’t snore like a chainsaw.”

I watched as their Noise played happily with the other. It was clear even without my Gift the emotional connection that was there. It was something I had always seen, yet never fully appreciated until now. This was what a loving relationship looked like. It made me reflect on my relationship with Chloe; tackling the difficult truth that our relationship would never look like that.

Sophie was always a sharp one when it came to me. A single glance and her attention fully shifted to me. “What’s wrong, Jake?”

“Nothing.” Her features hardened as she gave me an all-too-familiar look. Fighting against her when she was like this was not ideal. “Your love for each other is quite obvious. The way your Noise reacts to each other is…envious,” I said after a slight pause to think of a proper emotional term to best describe my thoughts. Both of them were looking at me as I glanced down at the soda in my hand. “I love Chloe, but I am having difficulty connecting with her. She is trying, and I know her feelings towards me, but I can’t help but think… am I really the best person for her?”

“Jake…”

I stopped her from continuing. “When we started dating, I was. Until now, I had no reason to question. She developed feelings for me and we both enjoyed being around one another. That was enough. Now, I’m not so sure.”

“What happened?” she asked softly.

“I am emotionally distant and that isn’t something I can fix. When it was the two of us, I don’t think it mattered—no—the lack of other options made it so it didn’t matter. Now, Chloe’s social circle is beginning to grow. She is meeting new people. Interacting with them. She has grown so much since we’ve met.” There was a pause as I found my voice no longer working. Blinking in confusion, I turned inward. Turmoil roiled beyond the walls of my mind. Hurt. Confusion. Sadness. Giant swirling storms and I sat in the center of a perfectly still world; stagnant and unmoving.

In the time I took to see what was happening inside me, Sophie had separated from Daniel to squeeze into the seat with me. Arms around me, she pulled me against her chest.

“Talk to me,” she whispered softly, hand running over my head.

“I think Chloe has outgrown me. Outgrown our relationship.” My hands were shaking. I… I didn’t understand what was happening. It was like a sickness had taken root in my chest. I felt ill yet had no sickness. A pressure inside me that had nowhere to go. Trapped. “I have been trying to emulate the interactions she has with Alexis, but it isn’t the same. I see the way her Noise interacts with Alexis. There is a natural back and forth there. The way your Noise interacts with Daniel’s is similar but far more intense. And intimate.”

My eyes moved away from my soda, focusing on Sophie. Her noise was a melancholy rain on my mind. “For the first time, I’ve realized… I have no Noise. The world sings around me, and I am silent. Even now, I see your sadness for me. My words evoke emotions and the understanding that comes from them. I offer Chloe none of that. I can’t.”

“You can see her feelings for you. What do they tell you?”

“She loves me.”

Sophie smiled. “See?”

“It’s not the same type of love you and Daniel share.”

“All love is different,” Daniel said.

“Not like that. Your love is unconditional. It is so complete, it doesn’t actually take a form in your Noise. It’s simply… there. A canvas for all other things to be painted on. With Chloe, it is different. I will not trivialize what she feels by trying to frame it in words, but it is not the same. I understand that too. Emotional connection is important to a relationship. No matter how many times I tell her I love her, what little things I do to show it, I cannot feel it so it comes off as fake.

“This here is a perfect example of what I’m talking about. I feel your sadness. I understand why you are feeling it. It guides your actions. You come over to sit with me. To hug me. All to empathize with me. If Chloe sat where I am now, all she would get is indifference. No matter how close I get; how I mimic care and support, it will always be hollow. It’s not that I don’t care, and she understands that, but the reality is the same either way.

“Seeing how she interacts with Alexis makes the differences clear. I’m not saying that she loves Alexis more than me, but she craves emotional connection as much as everything else. Considering all she has experienced, perhaps that connection is even more important. It is only a matter of time before she meets someone who can give her everything I do, plus everything I can’t. I don’t want to lose her, but it seems inevitable.”

“First off, it’s not inevitable. You can’t think like that or you are already dooming your relationship.”

“Sophie is right. This is a bit out of my depth, but have you tried a heart-to-heart with her?”

“I do my best to communicate things, but it is a challenge for numerous reasons.”

Daniel nodded, serious expression on his face. “I can’t stress enough how important communication is. Maybe it won’t solve everything, but it will at least clarify things. This is going to be even more important for you two, considering your situation.”

“If there is anything we can help with, let us know,” she said, ruffling my hair. There was still a gloomy echo in her Noise, but she seemed hopeful.

“Actually, there are some things in the bedroom that—”

I’d never seen Sophie move so fast, jumping away from me as she held her arms out. “Nope. No way. Not doing that.” I let her know I was kidding by forcing a smile. Her eyes narrowed as she clamped down on the embarrassment. “Cute.” Reaching over, she messed up my hair in ****.

“Don’t worry. I can help you in that department,” Daniel said with a clap, rubbing his hands together. I knew from his Noise that he was only saying that to get a rise out of Sophie. She groaned, heading off to the kitchen.

“I’m going to need wine. Lots of wine.”