Later that night

I sat at my desk frustrated by the latest turn of events. If Jim’s threat had any weight, I’d have to re-write my entire article. After an hour of writer’s block I decided a midnight stroll might be needed to clear my head. It was nice to enjoy these quiet moments to myself.

I expected everyone else in town to be asleep, but as I walked past the building where the exhibit was being held I spotted a hooded figure dressed all in black climbing through an open window. Was this an art thief on a heist? My heart raced. This might be the big scoop I was waiting for. I couldn’t call the police because I didn’t have a mobile phone. Not many people in town did because the reception sucked.

I readied my camera (which I always had with me in case a story ever arose unexpectedly) and silently walked up to the window, peering in. Hopefully I’d be able to take a picture of the culprit to better help the police later. The only source of light inside came from a flashlight. Unfortunately it was too dark for a photo. The beam of light moved to the descriptive plaques besides each artwork, stopping briefly on each one before moving to the next. Eventually it landed next to the big painting in the middle of the room. The figure turned off his flashlight and pulled off the sheet covering the painting. It was too dark to see what was on the canvas.

I was about to slip away and prepare to catch a photo as he climbed back out the window when I heard the telltale sign of someone shaking a can of spray-paint. That was when I realized this wasn’t a thief. It was a vandal. I had to act quickly. I spotted a fire alarm next to the window and pulled it hoping to spook him. The shock did cause him to drop his can but after fumbling around it seemed that despite the alarm ringing loudly down the street the vandal was determined to do what he came to do. Throwing caution to the wind I leapt through the window and tackled the figure.

“Argh! Let go of me!” a male voice that sounded awfully familiar snarled in response.

He tried to wrestle out of my grasp but I was stronger. I could tell whoever it was probably had a muscular build but was perhaps past their prime.

After a few minutes of struggling the thumping of footsteps approached.

“Stop! Hands in the air everyone!” The voice of Rick the town police deputy rang through the air and his flashlight shone into our eyes and I immediately released the vandal and put my hands up. To my surprise the person who I was grappling with turned out to be none other than local busybody Jim!

“What the hell is going on in here!?” The deputy shouted. Still not lowering his flashlight.

“Excuse me Officer Rick, I was on a midnight stroll and I saw someone breaking into Mr Buck’s building.” I recounted, “At first I thought it was a burglar but then it sounded like he was going to spray paint over one of the paintings so I pulled the alarm and tried to stop him.”

“That’s not true! I’m a respected member of the community who would never do such a thing.” Jim shouted. “I uhh- I was just uhh- walking by and saw this young man enter the building and confronted him to make sure he wasn’t up to anything nefarious! You know these shady reporters, will do anything for a story!”

“All right I’ve heard enough.” Officer Rick interrupted. “Are either of you carrying any weapons?”

“No sir.” I replied.

“M-me? Absolutely not!” Jim denied.

“Well I’ll have to pat both of you down.” Said the deputy, and he approached us as more footsteps could be heard entering the building.

A small group of townsfolk from nearby houses and buildings began gathering in the foyer outside the double-doors of the hall. They had most likely come to see if there was a fire that needed to be put out but many were confused by the scene they saw before them. Officer Rick told everyone to remain calm and that there was no fire. The deputy ran his hands up and down my body but found no weapons.

“Hey buy me a drink first Officer” I joked trying to make light of the situation.

Officer Rick grumbled apparently still not amused at being woken up at 1am.

"Could I get some light in here! I can barely see a thing," He shouted to the people who had gathered before moving over to Jim. “And someone turn that blasted alarm off.”

“Surely there’s no need for this” Jim said nervously. “I’ll have you know I’m in good standing with the Sheriff and-”

“Shut it” Officer Rick said before roughly patting Jim down.

At the back of the room Mr Buck who had arrived to see what was happening turned off the fire alarm and flicked a switch on the wall. The lights began blinking on. When the room was fully illuminated, there was a pause before everyone immediately burst out laughing at something behind me. I turned to see everyone's attention had been drawn to the painting in the middle of the room. A full body portrait of a nude muscular man with an almost imperceptible penis.

"Is this one of the paintings you were so worked up over Jim?" the grocery store owner chortles, "You can barely even see the guy's itty-bitty cock. I've sold strawberries bigger than that thing."

“He ain’t got much of a sausage at all!” remarks the butcher to everyone’s laughter.

Everyone else having focused on the comically tiny dicklet had not yet noticed the face. However it instantly seemed very familiar to me.

"Hang on... the man in this painting..." I peer closer. He might have a few more wrinkles, put on some extra weight and had a different hair style but... "It looks a lot like Jim."

"Wh-what? It looks nothing like me!" Jim objects his eyes starting to go wide, "Look he has light hair and I have dark hair!"

"That's not true! He dyes his hair!" Shouted the town barber from the back of the room.

"No he’s lying! It's not me!" Jim insists, panic starting to reach his voice. "This is my natural hair color, and my penis is much *much* larger than that! His dick is completely tiny and pathetic!"

"Well there's an easy way to prove it." says the barber, angry at being called a liar. "Drop your pants!"

Jim turned a deep shade of red. "I’m not going to expose my genitals just to prove-!"

"Hang on, what's this." The deputy in the course of his pat down pulled out a utility knife from Jim's back pocket. "You said you didn't have any weapons on you."

"Please officer, this is just a misunderstanding” Jim said. “I wasn't going to hurt anyone-”

"Well now that you've lied,” Officer Rick interrupted “I'm going to have to conduct a more thorough strip search to make sure you aren't carrying any thing else."

The deputy then unceremoniously grabbed Jim’s pants and yanked them to the floor.