Daughters of Cerberus

Kasumi scratched up a storm as she walked along, stopping occasionally to scratch her ass against a tree. How had this simple plan of embarrassing the two newlyweds and profiting from their embarrassment go so wrong with cats that peed on you and made you stink forever or bushes that covered you in itchy splotches?

"This seriously couldn't get any worse!" Kasumi groaned as she kicked a rock at a hollow log...

Causing a loud buzzing sound to emit from said log as a swarm of insects flew out. And despite being a human not from Earth, Kasumi knew exactly what she was looking at this time.

"I hate this planet!" Kasumi shouted as she turned and ran from the swarm of bees, yelping from the stings on her ass as she scooped up her recorder.

"Well, I would not want to be Kasumi right about now." Garrus commented, he and Tali cringing at the feed.

Jane sighed and shook her head as she and Liara saw the feed. "EDI. Call Dr. Chakwas and tell her to meet me at my place with poison ivy soap, bee sting aid, and a few dozen gallons of tomato juice and vinegar."

"Yes, Commander."

"Tomato juice and vinegar?" Liara asked, "What for?"

"To get rid of the skunk smell." Jane replied. "Not the most effective cure we have for it on Earth, but Kasumi has been punished almost enough. Almost. So, a good ol' fashioned tomato bath might finally get her to see the error of her ways."

"Won't that gunk up your drain?"

"Who said she was taking that bath in my house and in my tub?" Jane asked in reply, "She's taking it outside."

Oriana looked up in the rearview mirror at the couple in the backseat, a smile on her face as she saw their fingers intertwined with one another before turning back to the road.

"Jack?" Miranda asked softly, getting the tattooed woman's attention as she stroked her wife's hand with her thumb. "I was wondering, after we get our clothes back and kill Kasumi, would you -"

All three women in the skycar yelped in alarm as the vehicle came to a screeching halt, stopping dead in the middle of the road.

"What the fuck, Ori?!" Jack snapped, "Why'd you stop?!"

"I didn't! The car just died!" Oriana replied, desperately trying to start the skycar again.

In the woods, a cloaked figure eyed the three in the skycar through a pair of binoculars, a cruel smile on her lips as she shut down the EMP next to her before pressing a button on her ear piece.

"Target in position." She said in a cold and calm tone. "Move in."

"Well, looks like we don't have to go too far." Liara observed as she gestured out the window, Jane looking out to see a miserable looking Kasumi scratching herself with several bee stings on her ass cheeks while sticking out her thumb for a ride.

Liara pulled over in front of the thief, rolling down the window as Jane quipped, "Need a lift?"

"Like you wouldn't believe!" Kasumi said as she reached for the back door handle.

"Uh-uh-uh-uh!" Jane shouted, making Kasumi stop. "You are not getting poison ivy oil and skunk stink in my car!"

"Well where am I -"

*Thunk*

Kasumi looked to see that the trunk of the skycar had opened up, a frown on her face as she turned to Jane. "Really?"

"It's either the trunk or you're walking back to Shepard's." Liara stated.

Kasumi muttered angrily as she climbed into the trunk, placing her recorder in her lap.

Up front, Liara whispered, "Should we tell her?"

"Not just yet..." Jane said slyly, "Let's wait until she's scrubbing herself with tomato juice and vinegar first."

"I'm gonna go check what's wrong." Oriana said, opening the door and climbing out of the car, "Stay here."

"Like we had a fucking choice." Jack muttered, rolling her eyes.

Miranda would have said something, but Jack did have a point. As Oriana opened the hood, the older sister turned to Jack again and cleared her throat. "As I was saying before, Jack. I was wondering if -"

"Car."

"I'm sorry?"

"Car!" Jack repeated, grabbing Miranda by the shoulder and pushing her down, the two ducking as the sound of a car pulling over and parking was heard.

"Oh, thank G- WHOA! Take it easy!" Oriana was heard saying as the sound of guns cocking was heard. Jack and Miranda peeked up from their crouching positions as their eyes widened in horror at the sight of two armed women taking aim at the younger Lawson.

"Oh God! Oriana!" Miranda whispered in fear.

"Cerberus..." Jack growled, eyes narrowed as she recognized the uniforms of the two women.

"Look, I don't want any trouble here." Oriana said as one of the woman keep her sights on her.

"Well, that's too bad, Girlie." The Cerberus Woman said, "Because I think you just got into some."

"Wanna bet?!"

The two women looked up to see Jack and Miranda stepping out of the skycar, both sets of biotics flaring.

"Back away from the kid!" Jack snarled, looking like a rapid dog ready to pounce.

"What the hell?!" One of the women shouted in shock. Leaning in to whisper to her fellow agent, she asked, "Did Number One say they were nudists or something?"

"Shut up."

"What do you want with my sister?" Miranda hissed, ushering Oriana behind her and Jack.

"Oh, it's not her that The Daughters of Cerberus wan- OW!" The Second Agent yelped as she was punched by the first.

"I told you to shut the fuck up!"

"'Daughters of Cerberus'?" Miranda asked in confusion. "That's not one of their splinter cells."

"We're new. Just formed after the -"

"Are the words 'Shut' and 'Up' in your fucking vocabulary?!"

Jack rolled her eyes. It almost seemed like a waste of effort to tear these morons to shreds with how incompentent they were. Almost. Mid eyeroll, however, Jack caught a glimpse of a third individual in the treeline as the figure pulled a metallic orb from her bandolier, making Jack's eyes widen as she threw it.

Without warning, Jack grabbed Miranda and her sister in her biotic grasp and flung them out onto the road. Miranda looked up in time to see the grenade roll by Jack's feet.

"JACK!" Miranda cried out, getting to her feet as a volt of electricity shot up Jack's legs and caused the tattooed woman to pass out. With a white hot rage in her belly, Miranda activated her biotics and charged forward...

Letting out a hiss of pain as she dropped to her knees, one of the agents having shot a dart into her thigh that gave her an electrical shock.

"Miranda!" Oriana shouted as she raced to her sister's side, ripping the dart out.

As the two sisters looked up, they saw the three "Daughters of Cerberus" agents getting into their skycar and flying off down the road...

The **** Jack nowhere to be seen.

"No..." Miranda whispered, taking a few steps forward. After several seconds, the dark haired woman fell to her knees again in a mixture of anger and distraught, tears falling down her face as her biotic charged fist pounded the road. "No! No! No! No! No! No! JAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKK!"

Oriana could only think of one thing to do...

"Nice going, moron!" The First Daughter of Cerberus Agent spat, removing her helmet to reveal a woman with short red hair. "Why didn't you just go ahead and tell them what fucking planet our base of operations are on while you were at it?!"

"She asked a question!" The Second Agent replied, removing her helmet to reveal a woman with long blonde hair. "I think that's fair enough."

"You didn't have to answer them truthfully!" The redhead spat.

"What?! I thought we wanted The Universe to know about us!"

"You two are by far the worst agents The Daughters of Cerberus have ever had! Perhaps the worst agents in Cerberus as a whole!" The Hooded Agent scolded, silencing her subordinates. However, she gave an evil smirk as she eyed the **** tattooed woman tied up in the back. "But you at least manage to get the job done."

"Uh, should we be worried about her, Number One?" The blonde asked, "I mean, if she breaks out of those, we're all dead!"

"Relax, there was enough voltage in that shock grenade to stun her long enough until we reach base." The Hooded Agent said dismissively. "Then, when she wakes, she will take part in Phase Two."

"Yeah, not that I don't think it's a good plan and all," The Redhead began, "but given her history with Cerberus, what makes you think she'll agree?"

"Simple, Xandra." The Hooded Agent said as she pulled back her hood, revealing a face that was perfectly identical to Miranda's. "How could she say no to my face?"

"Commander Shepard!" EDI said, getting Jane and Liara's attention as they drove down the road while Kasumi scratched up a storm in the trunk. "You have an urgent call from Ms. Oriana Lawson!"