Then why can't I find my recipe...?

“Nick!” Mary cried.

“What the heck?!” Kim looked at Sylvia in shock.

“Where did he go?!” Dakota demanded, leaping from her seat. She had **** in her eyes, and for a second Sylvia thought she was going to say “fuck the rules” and try to strangle her. But Dakota was smarter than that, and stopped herself halfway, settling for glowering at Sylvia instead.

“Nick is fine,” Sylvia scowled. “We have more important things to deal with right now. Like I said, we’re going to be changing up your teams, my girls.”

Rose tensed. “Changing up the teams? What do you mean?” She demanded.

“It means back off!” Sylvia snapped. “The audience has started complaining that you girls are spending too much time with your buddies, and not enough time getting to know each other. Now, I know it’s important to build bonds with your teammates, but we want the harem working together. Not a bunch of lesbian relationships.”

She nodded to Dani. “Present company accepted.”

“Hey!” Dani growled.

“Y-You’re really going to **** us onto other teams?” Mary stuttered.

Sylvia smiled. It wasn’t a pleasant smile, or even one she tried to ****. It was a wicked smile oozing malevolence.

“Exactly right, my girl. Each of you chose a buddy. But I have to say, your choices… they were far from inspired. Everyone chose the same exact person. And that gets boring! A good show needs tension, drama… so that’s just what we’ll do!”

Standing above them, alone on the stage, Sylvia held her cane in the air and it radiated black light.

“The first team… Dawn? Your new buddy… or should I say, ‘buddies’ are Carly and Marley!”

“What?” Carly gasped.

“Ooh, interesting,” Marley mused.

“No way!” Dawn’s jaw dropped.

“Yes way,” Sylvia said pointedly. “It only makes sense, after all. With that small body of yours, your bed should easily be able to accommodate both of them!”

She snickered at Dawn’s expense, as Dawn looked to the other two girls. She didn’t have any qualms with Carly… not really. The two had just never really interacted before.

“From now on,” Sylvia continued, “I dub your new team… Team Cosplay!” She held her hands on either side of her top hat to make cat ears.

Dawn glared at her.

“This isn’t cosplay,” she growled, her tail flicking behind her in frustration. “You made these real!”

“Maybe, but the maniacs won’t care,” Sylvia smirked. “It’s just cat girl loli cosplay to them.”

Dawn seethed as Sylvia moved down the list.

“Now then, next on the chopping block, we have Dani! Sorry my girl, I know you were looking forward to being the tomboy filling in a sexy bombshell sandwich, but plans change.” Sylvia sighed in exaggeration. “But I understand this might be hard, so I’m taking some pity on you. Your new teammate will be… Rose!”

“Me?” Rose gasped.

“Rose?” Dani didn’t know how to feel about that. Her eyes leapt to the gorgeous woman in front of her, and she realized that she could do worse for herself.

Sylvia nodded and smirked. “That’s right, Rose. She’s quite pretty herself, wouldn’t you agree? Consider this a new chapter in your love life; Carly and Marley are gone, but you get a French fille to take their place.”

Rose tried to smile to make this whole thing less awkward, but she didn’t have much success. Dani hid her shameful face in her hands.

“You two lovely ladies will make up our wonderful team, Team Femininity! After all, of all the girls here, you two are certainly the most… externally feminine, as it were. Though not necessarily on the inside, of course.”

Rose and Dani both blushed as Sylvia cackled.

“Now then! Gina!” Sylvia turned to Gina, and licked her lips.

Mary turned pale. We’re getting different buddies… but Kim was my buddy… and if I’m not going to be buddies with her, then… that means… oh no.

“Ah, you’re seeing the writing on the wall, then, my girl,” Sylvia purred, winking at Mary. “That’s right, Gina, your new buddy is our Pretty Mary Sunlight!”

Mary was completely still. She wasn’t even breathing. She imagined this must have been what Lot’s wife felt when she was turned to salt.

Gina wasn’t all that thrilled either.

“That prude?!” She gaped. “You can’t be serious!”

“I’m deadly serious,” Sylvia said, narrowing her eyes. “You and Mary. A match made in… well, I wouldn’t say heaven. Let’s go with purgatory! And fittingly, the name of your team… Team Screwtape!”

Gina stared blankly at her.

“…Huh? Screwtape?”

“It’s named after a book,” Dawn said, adjusting her glasses.

“Huh. Lame.”

That was all Gina had to say about pairing up with Mary. “Lame.” Meanwhile, Mary felt like she was going to die.

“And finally, our last two girls, Kim, Dakota,” Sylvia said, glancing between the two black-haired women. “Congratulations, you’re our last team, Team Deadbeat Dad!”

Kim nearly choked in shock. Dakota’s jaw locked and she stared bloody **** at Sylvia. “Sylvia…” She growled, making a fist.

“Sorry, sorry, I forgot, that’s not quite accurate,” Sylvia apologized. “For you, Dakota, perhaps ‘Deadbeat Mom’ would be more accurate?”

Gina and Dani had to tackle Dakota to keep her from attacking the host.

“Come on, she’s not worth it!” Dani hissed.

“Yeah, you’re just going to regret it,” Gina exclaimed.

“No, she will,” Dakota seethed. “We played your game, bitch! Now where’s Nick?!”

Sylvia looked a little shaken, but she quickly recovered. “Our master has gone on to handle a much more important task. He’s seeking out the next Auditionee! We thought it best if he approached the next prospective harem member himself, given how she feels about him.”

Kim’s jaw dropped. “What?”

“So he’s back on earth?” Rose asked.

Dawn shook her head. “No, we can’t necessarily assume that. Remember Mimi?”

“Dawn’s right,” Marley nodded. “For all we know, Nick is in an alien reality or the the seventh layer of hell or something.”

Nick shielded his face from the sunlight. He looked down at the white picket fence, just as bright and well-maintained as the one in front of the house to the left of him, and the house to the right of him. Every house on the cul-de-sac was a varying shade of grey, white, or tan, and then were all the same design.

“…The suburbs,” he said aloud. “What the hell am I doing here?”

He realized he was wearing professional clothes, a suit jacket and tie along with a nice pair of trousers. He also realized, as he was checking his outfit, that he had something in his pocket. A tiny slip of paper. He took it out and unfolded it.

Nick-

Welcome back to Earth! Your task is very simple. You will be personally recruiting the next girl into your harem, your next Auditionee! She lives at this address. The people inside are expecting you. Please convince the target to join your harem. You have twenty minutes. If you fail, or attempt to run, bad things will happen to the girls in your harem.

Warmest Regards, Sylvia River

Nick sighed. This was insane. Why was Sylvia asking him to do something like this? Couldn’t she just snap her fingers and summon the poor woman there?

He looked past the white picket fence, and at the white house in front of him. Whoever lived there, they didn’t deserve this. He should turn around and walk away, or just wait out the twenty minutes on the curb.

But he couldn’t do that. Because if he did, it would go just like Sylvia threatened. Bad things would happen to the people he loved. It was a threat he knew she could make good on. Whatever deals they might have had in the past, he didn’t want to push his luck. Not after seeing the worrying condition she was in after being **** to transform Mimi into Marley.

I’ll have to be as gentle about this as I can, he decided, walking past the gate and up to the front door. But Sylvia wants me to convince her. How am I supposed to do that? “Hi, my name is Nick, would you like to come join my harem? Don’t worry, it’s fun. All you have to do is surrender your autonomy over your mind and body and become twisted into a sex **** to fulfill my fantasies, everybody’s doing it these days.”

He sighed and knocked on the door.

“Who’re you?”

Nick took one look at the woman in front of him, and though he felt ashamed of it, part of him recoiled at the thought of her being the next member of his harem.

She wasn’t bad looking by any means. But compared to the beauties he was used to, she just looked… dowdy. She was a good ten, twenty years older than him, with a tired face that aged her even more. She seemed exhausted and worn-out, like the spark in her life had long-since been extinguished.

He recognized that look. He’d seen it in the mirror more times than he could count.

“Um, hi…” Nick greeted her, doing his best to put on a charming smile. “I’m here to see…”

His voice trailed off as he realized that Sylvia hadn’t even given him the name of the girl he was supposed to convince.

And yet, even without a name, the beleaguered woman’s face brightened, and hope sparked in her eyes for a moment.

“Oh! Are you the college preparation advisor?”

“College… preparation?” He stammered out. “Err, yes, that’s me!”

“Oh, thank God,” the woman sighed, swinging the door open. “Come in, come in! We have so much to discuss!”

Nick followed her into the house, taking a second to get his bearings as he looked around. Everything was so plain and normal, like he would expect to see in any other house in the suburbs. I can’t believe “normal” looks so foreign to me now, he thought. Living on that island for so long has really messed up my sense of the world.

“Now, listen, I know my daughter doesn’t have the best grades, but she can do it if she tries, I know she can,” the woman said, bringing him a pitcher of lemonade. “Please tell me, what are her options? Just looking at her transcripts, I mean.”

Nick blinked, taking a second to process that. “…Oh! Your… your daughter!” So the woman he was here to convince wasn’t this lady, it was her daughter. That was a bit of a relief… though it raised a different concern, if he was here to talk to her about college.

Exactly how old was she?

“Yes, my Gertrude,” the woman said, pinching her lips together quizzically. “That is why you’re here, right? To talk to her about her plans for college?”

“Errm… something like that…” Nick hid the uneasiness in his voice with a swig of lemonade. What he wouldn’t go for a beer right now, to give him some liquid courage.

“She’s such a handful, but she used to be such a sweet girl…” The exhausted mother sighed, dabbing at her sweaty forehead with a handkerchief. “Her father is out working all the time, so that’s why she always acts so… rebellious. She’s just starved for attention…”

“I know the type,” Nick nodded sympathetically. Gina’s face flashed through his mind. He glanced at the clock on the wall as it ticked to the next minute, and realized that he was wasting time. How many minutes had he spent in this woman’s kitchen?

He cleared his throat. “I’m sure your daughter isn’t so bad, ma’am. Would you mind if I spoke to her? That’s kind of why I’m here, after all…”

“Yes, yes, of course,” the kind lady nodded, smiling sweetly. “She’s in her room… but she doesn’t like to be disturbed.”

“I must insist,” Nick said, trying to give her what he hoped could pass for a charming smile. Thankfully it worked, because a few seconds later she was leading him down the hall. They stopped in front of a door covered in fake cobwebs with a sign reading “LOSER GROWNUPS KEEP OUT” taped onto it.

Oh, this one seemed like a treasure alright.

“Gertrude?” She cautiously knocked on the door.

“Gawd! Go away, Pam! And stop calling me that!” A loud voice called from behind the door.

“I-I know, sweetheart, but you have a guest. Could he come in and talk with you for a few moments?”

“Ugh, FINE! Whatever!” Nick recognized “bratty teenage daughter” when he heard one, and feared the worst. Gertrude’s mother opened the door, and they both entered.

The room was… something. The walls were painted black, and the lights were off. The sunlight peeked in through a wide window in the back of the room, framed by dark red curtains. Books filled shelves that lined the bed, and sitting on the bed reading was a girl he mistook for Dakota for a moment.

She had pale skin accentuated by dark clothes that gave off the impression that Halloween had come early. The slender girl wore black robes that wouldn’t have looked out of place with a pointed hat and a broomstick. Her stringy black hair framed an acne-riddled face, and a red eye peeked out behind her bangs that Nick assumed was not her actual color.

When the two of them made eye contact, she froze, like she’d seen a ghost.

“Gertrude, this is Mister… I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name,” the older woman apologized sheepishly. Nick opened his mouth to give it, but he was cut off.

“My name isn’t GERTRUDE, Pam! I’m Morgana, Accursed Witch Mistress of the Ebony Cauldron!” The girl who rejected the name Gertrude whined. “Go away! You don’t understand me!”

“I-I’m sorry, Morgana,” her mother apologized. “I’ll go, but before I do-”

“PAM! You’re embarrassing me!” She wailed.

Her mother didn’t say another word, and hurriedly ran out the door, leaving Nick alone with the bratty goth.

“Ugh, finally, I thought she’d never leave,” Morgana groaned, rolling her eyes. She got out of bed and closed the door. “She won’t even let me lock my door.”

Nick felt very uncomfortable. The last time he’d interacted with a teenage girl, he’d been a lot closer to a teenager himself.

He cleared his throat to remind her he was still there. Not that he needed to, because she never took her eyes off him. But it felt awkward, having her staring at him without saying anything.

“Hello, Morgana,” he introduced himself, making the smart decision not to antagonize her further by calling her “Gertrude” like her mother had. He had no idea how he was going to convince this rebellious teen to join the harem of a man nearly a decade older than her. (At least, he hoped that the age gap wasn’t any larger than that) “It’s nice to meet you. My name is-”

“Nick Reynolds.” A crooked smile spread across her black lips as she grinned giddily. “You’re Nick Reynolds!”

Nick had a lot of ways he’d planned to go about convincing this girl to join his harem, but none of them involved her already knowing his name. He was certain he’d never seen her before, at least.

Nick nodded. “You, uh… you know me?”

“Duh! Of course I know you!” Morgana exclaimed, running over to her night stand and picking up the book sitting on top of it. “I’ve only read ‘The Girl in the River’ like a thousand times! It’s my absolute favorite book ever! I’ve written so much about you in my blog, OMG! You’re just so... you’re really here!” She squealed with glee.

Oh. OH. He recognized that cover. She… this girl… she was his fan.

And judging by the excited gleam in her eye and the way she was starting to hyperventilate, she was one of those fans.

“Ever since I read your book, I knew that you really understood me!” Morgana gushed. “Mike and Pam, they’re like, so lame, they don’t understand how dark and brooding my soul really is! But you get it! The pain Johnathan went through when his little sister drowned, the dark outlook on the world, I could feel the weight of every word you wrote!”

She swooned a little, and clutched the book to her slender chest with more reverence than Mary cradled the Bible.

“I knew we were soulmates… and here you are! Finally!”

Oh yeah. Definitely one of those fans.

Nick cleared his throat again, **** to steer the conversation in a more coherent direction. This girl reminded him of Holly, but without the years of genuine connection and shared interest that had gone into that relationship. He had enough crazy in his life.

“Listen, Morgana, I’m not here to talk to you about college, obviously.”

She rolled her eyes and snorted. “Obviously.”

“I’m here because-”

“Because of my ritual, right?”

Nick stared blankly at her.

“…Ritual?”

“Yeah, take a look!” Morgana led him to her window, and he looked out to see a massive magic circle drawn on the outdoor patio in what he hoped was red paint. “Last night, I channeled my aura into a magic circle and I made a pact with a demon!”

“A… demon.”

“Yeah, her name is Sylvia, Witch Queen of Demons!”

Of fucking course.

“Okay, so this… demon… witch… person… what did she say exactly?”

Nick was starting to get a headache.

“She said that she had been watching me for some time, and was impressed by my wiccan powers,” Morgana eagerly explained, smiling proudly. “I’m actually a really powerful witch, did you know? All the people in my coven chatroom say so.”

“…Yes, I’m sure you are,” Nick nodded diplomatically.

“Sylvia actually contacted me online, and was waiting for me to turn eighteen so that I could fully harness my magic powers. My birthday was just last week, so it worked out perfectly.”

Oh, thank God. She’s an adult, at least. Not that this isn’t incredibly creepy regardless. She’s a little kid! What the hell is Sylvia thinking!?

“I followed the ritual just like she said, and made a pact with her. And she granted my wish, to meet my absolute favorite author!” Morgan was practically jumping for joy, an act that seemed a rather stark contrast to her dark exterior. “And here you are! Now you’ll finally take me away from all this, and make me your gothic queen!”

Nick was glad he left his lemonade in the kitchen, because if he’d been drinking it, he would have spat it out.

“G-Gothic queen?!” He stammered.

She looked at him, confused. “Of course, that’s why you’re here, right? You’re finally going to take me away from Mike and Pam and give me a life of passion and romance I’ve always dreamed of!”

Nick felt the urge to flee and maybe call the police, but he remembered his task. “Um… yeah, something like that. But is that really what you want? I mean, your parents…”

“Ugh, parents?” Morgana rolled her eyes. “Those two are the worst! Always trying to control me, telling me I have to study and get into a good school, telling me I need to be a grownup, well, I’m a witch! I’ve been practicing spells that are going to make me billionaire, and now I’ve got you!”

She looked hopefully up at him and grabbed his hand, folding hers around it. “I know you’ve been through so much, Nick… but it’s okay. I’m here for you now. We can be together and lick each other’s wounds, two tortured souls living in perfect passion!”

Nick didn’t really know what to say. Every responsible bone in his body told him to try and talk some sense into this poor deluded girl, but he couldn’t.

“…Okay,” he relented. “Let’s go.”

He felt like a kidnapper.