Alone With Her Thoughts

Krvavy makes her way through the dense woodland, carrying her axe over her shoulder. The trees here are pretty tall, which she is thankful for. She still has to duck under the occasional branch, but she can walk normally for the most part.

Her pocket is stuffed full of things to eat. The food that Beryl made her take along turned out to be a few dried out blocks of minced meat mixed with berries, mushrooms, and some nuts wrapped up together in waxy cloth. They are kind of weird, but Krvavy can’t really complain considering that she would just be eating mystery meat jerky otherwise. Besides, they do actually taste pretty good.

But thinking about Beryl just sends a pang of guilt through her chest. The elf clung to her side the whole way out of the cave, getting more and more **** with each step. It almost looked like she was going to cry at the end.

But those aren’t the elf’s real feelings, just what that collar has **** on her.

Why does that matter so much to Krvavy? She keeps getting hung up on it, which just frustrates her. This is just a game! None of those feelings are real, evil magic collar or not!

Lashing out in anger, Krvavy punches the trunk of a nearby tree, losing a few points of health in the process.

How sad her life is. Not as Krvavy, but her real life as Leanna. She is so starved for affection that she is falling for a fake person in a fake world who even in context has fake feelings for her! She is even starting to deeply care about Thea, that annoying vile spoiled brat of a girl, and Khalia, who is essentially just a comatose slab of meat!

It just makes her feel so pathetic.

Leanna, Krvavy, whatever she wants to call herself, at the end of the day she is still the same person. The same little girl who doesn’t know how to deal with her feelings, who just bottles it all up and finds some way to isolate herself, either by running away from her problems or just retreating into her mind.

And would you look at that? She is doing both right now.

Part of her regrets picking Krvavy as a name for this character. She should have just typed in Leanna when she had the chance. If she had done that maybe she would be able to delude herself into thinking that she isn’t so pathetic.

Krvavy is just a better version of Leanna, in every conceivable way. Krvavy is bigger, stronger, tougher, just healthier in general, much more attractive, she is able to assert herself without having to worry about losing literally everything that she owns, she can do magic, she can do pretty much whatever she wants to do, she is just free.

And what does Leanna have that Krvavy doesn’t? Beyond all the terrible things, of course. Indoor plumbing and internet access. That is it. But even then that isn’t even much. Krvavy has a wonderful hot spring to bathe in, while Leanna is lucky if she even has hot water to shower in. As for the internet, all Leanna uses it for is to escape from her pathetic miserable life.

Sighing out, she slows down to a stop and leans against a tree.

It just doesn’t feel good spending her time as Leanna constantly thinking about how much she wants to go back to being Krvavy.

Krvavy has almost everything that Leanna wants. The barbarian has people to talk to, people to spend her time with, people who depend on her. Even though those people are arguably not willing, it is still better than Leanna. Because she has no one.

And to make it all worse, this isn’t even the first time she has felt this way. Not by a long shot.

This always happens whenever she plays a game that is immersive enough for her to disassociate and where the character she plays has a better life than her. She went into this knowing that. Yet she fell into the same trap again.

So why does it feel worse this time?

Is it just because this is the most realistic and immersive game that she has played by quite a large margin? Or is Krvavy just so much better than Leanna could ever hope to be?

She hates that she even has to ask herself that.

This game... It is in a sweet spot that makes her feel like shit. If it was more of a power fantasy, then she would recognize it as such. If it had a strict story, or really any story at all, it would feel more like living through a movie. But instead she gets to live a life that is better than her real one.

And that... that just makes it worse.

It definitely doesn’t help that Krvavy lives in a cave of all places. Envying an almost literal caveman, or cavewoman, doesn’t exactly feel good. If she had a castle, mansion, or even just a nice house it wouldn’t be as bad. But a cave? Sure, her cave is nice, but it is still a fucking cave.

Sighing out, she pushes herself off the tree and continues walking through the woods.

She hates that she is even thinking about all of that. This is a game. It is supposed to be fun, entertaining, and enjoyable. But she is just ruining that with her self loathing.

Part of why she is out here is so that she can sort through her thoughts, so she had better start doing that.

But how?

If this was something she could just snap her fingers and fix... Well, she wouldn’t be struggling with it right now if that was the case.

There really isn’t anything that Leanna can do to stop herself from feeling inadequate compared to just about anything fictional and idealized.

When she felt this way in the past, Leanna had just stopped playing whatever game was making her realize how pathetic her life is. But she can’t do that here. Or, really, she doesn’t want to. As long as she can keep her mind off of this, then she is fine. Besides, she’ll die of boredom on her day off without anything to occupy her time.

So what else could she do? Disassociate even more? Sure sounds like a healthy thing to do...

Leanna has a depressing life, but she has learned to live with it. No point in dragging down Krvavy’s life with those horrible thoughts. She should just enjoy her escapism here and not ruin it for herself.

Sighing out deeply, Krvavy looks up at the sky between the leafy canopy of the forest. A few clouds lazily trace their way across the blue expanse. The sun is slowly making its way down towards the horizon, though she still has a lot of time until it sets.

She is enjoying playing as Krvavy. She really is. Even just being out here feels great, the slight breeze on her skin and the scent of the woods around her. It’s funny, but Krvavy hardly ever thinks about the fact that she is almost completely naked, with just the flap of her loincloth covering her crotch. Even if she had a body like this as Leanna, she would never have the confidence to strut around as naked as this anywhere but in her own home.

So yeah, she likes being Krvavy. She might as well accept that. Of course, there will undoubtedly come a time when she gets bored of this. She always does in the end. But that won’t be for a very long time, as even though this game is still in beta there just seems to be so much to do.

And hey, she has a selection of video game characters to get unreasonably attached to, so she always has the option to settle down and start a family! That would give herself something happy to look forward to when she comes home after a gruelling day at work. Some century old American Dream shit that’d be. And a real healthy way to cope, she’s sure.

Even though she just thought of that as a joke, a sarcastic one at that, it kind of hurt Krvavy. It felt far too bitter.

So, quickly taking her mind off of all that, Krvavy looks back to what set her off onto this sad self-hating train of thought: Beryl. She isn’t going to worry about the collar anymore though. What is done is done. She can’t change that. Besides, this is a game after all, so the collar is inconsequential. The feelings it gave Beryl are just as real as whatever feelings she would have without it.

Of course, Krvavy does feel bad for leaving the elf back home. But the space should do Beryl good. She is kind of like a puppy in a way, and puppies have to get used to not being constantly around their owner. Besides, it isn’t like the elf will sit around and mope the whole time, as she had asked about starting a garden down near the grotto lake.

Krvavy didn’t ask what Beryl wanted to plant though. It’ll be a nice surprise. Maybe it’ll be some vegetables, pretty flowers, or some useful herbs. Doesn’t matter really. Just as long as Beryl has something to do that she enjoys doing.

Actually, that is a pretty good way to think about it. Krvavy is enjoying her time as Krvavy, and that is all that matters.

She still has those feelings lingering over her head, but Krvavy should be able to handle it.