(No) Second Chances

I hated how my relaxing vacation was anything but relaxing. I had too much on my mind to relax. It was telling that I was looking forward to going back to school. There, things made sense. I could lose myself in studying. What I needed was monotony and I got it in droves. The day’s ticked slowly past, and I loved it. This was how life was supposed to be. My stomach wasn’t trying to tie itself into knots, my body wasn’t getting pumped with flight or fight chemicals, and my nerves weren’t shot from anxiety.

By the time Thursday had rolled around, I was on the cusp of leaving everything behind. Time was smoothing over the rough patch I’d gone over and the road ahead looked flat as could be. James may have had a point about taking things off-road while the car could handle the rough terrain, but my little excursion into the unknown had almost cost me the suspension.

No, the road was where it was at. Safe, smooth, and stress-free.

“You look good with a tan,” Emma said softly as she slid into the chair across from me.

I immediately stood up, packing my things.

“Sit down, Isaac.” I said nothing, refusing to even acknowledge her presence as I packed as quickly as I could. “Don’t be a child. I just want to talk.”

“We have nothing to talk about.”

“Please.”

This was exactly why I needed to leave. That one word was enough to make me pause. I couldn’t look at her because I knew what it would confirm. To keep my lie intact I needed to believe that I hated her, and I needed that lie to escape her grasp.

But I couldn’t help but look at her, and I regretted it immediately. She wore a neutral expression, eyes watching me as I wavered on staying or leaving.

Just go. I needed to leave. Grab everything and leave without looking back.

Sitting down again, I knew I was fucked. Not even two weeks and I was jumping off the sobriety wagon.

She didn’t smile when I sat. Probably because of my hostile expression. Again, I wasn’t even angry at her, but at myself. Once more, I was proving to be exactly what I hated.

Weak.

“Thank you,” she said softly.

“What do you want?”

“I’m not going to apologize.”

“Then this is exactly as I thought it was. A waste of time.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” she said, her mask finally slipping enough for me to see the anger behind it.

“I know.”

That surprised her, and I saw the anger flicker away. “You do?”

I nodded. “Been doing a lot of thinking over the break, and I realized a lot of my anger was misdirected at you.” When I started to see the hint of a smile, I quickly moved to crush it. “That doesn’t mean you are innocent in this. You crossed a line. Fucking with my emotions was never part of our agreement and you know that. Do you do that kind of shit with anyone else you have roped into this whole picture thing with you?”

She was silent long enough for me to think she wasn’t going to answer.

“No,” she finally admitted. “I tease them some, but it never got as… intense… as it was with you.”

Drumming my fingers against the table, I stared at her as the silence stretched. “Emma, why are you here?”

“I don’t know,” she said, looking down. “I thought I did. I had everything worked out before I came over here but as soon as I sat down it all went away.”

I took a deep breath, nodding. “Well, I suppose closure is nice to have. I would much rather part like this than how we did before,” I said as I started to get up.

“I don’t give second chances.” Of all the things she could have said, that was probably the last thing I expected. I felt myself sink back into my seat as I stared across the table at her. She seemed… conflicted. “I don’t give second chances. Ever.” It seemed to me like she was saying that more to herself than me.

“You told me that already. It’s fine. I don’t want one anyway.”

She looked up, blue eyes boring into me as if I was to blame for her inner conflicts. “So why am I here offering you one?”

That took a moment to process. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was she seriously offering what I thought she was? I escaped Hell and she was telling me to fucking walk back into it? Insanity.

So why wasn’t I immediately shutting her down?

“What?”

It looked like she was having a physical reaction to whatever thoughts she was having like she had to **** out the words. “I am… willing… to try this whole thing again. A clean slate. I am even willing to replace the pictures you deleted.”

Holy shit. Was this happening? Why? I was a nobody. A blip in her life. I thought it was strange that she was coming to talk to me in the first place after I told her we were finished, but now she was offering to go back to how things were? Something wasn’t adding up.

“Why the fuck would I want that?”

She flinched. Something was incredibly wrong. This wasn’t like Emma at all.

“You liked it before the level up. That was a mistake. If we go back—”

“No, Emma. The mistake was thinking you could separate our friendship and… whatever that was. I understand our friendship was based around give and take, but you were using me. For what? Because it felt good?”

“Yes.” The brutal honesty was shocking. “When we first met, I thought it was cute how easily flustered you got. I like teasing people, and teasing you was fun. I slowly began to realize that teasing you felt different than the rush I got with other guys. I enjoyed how different your reactions were. Then, you stopped. You got used to me teasing you, and I couldn’t get those same reactions from you. I needed to push you more, so I suggested you level up.” She wet her lips before continuing. “When you accepted, I knew I was going to get all those wonderful reactions from you and I was absolutely right. Just getting you to the next level,” she stopped and closed her eyes like she was relishing a favorite memory. “I hadn’t been so invested in a level up in forever. I couldn’t even wait to see your reaction, which is why I called you. It was everything I wanted and more. The more I pushed, the better your reaction. So I pushed.”

Stunned, I took a moment to reply. “That’s fucked up. You weren’t teasing me. You were toying with me.”

“I know.”

“And you want me to go right back into that?”

She looked me right in the eye. “Yes.”

I let out a humorless laugh. “Why the fuck do you think I would agree to that?”

“As you said, that wasn’t part of our agreement. This time, it would be.”

“You are unbelievable. You really believe I would agree to that?”

She paused. “No, but I’m hoping.”

There was a long silence as we stared at each other. There were a lot of things on my mind. So many questions. But I only needed one answered.

“You could have asked any other guy for this. Why me?”

I could see her thinking. I didn’t know what I expected her to say, or if it would make a difference. Somewhere inside me, hope still hung on. What would I do if she said I was special to her? That only I made her feel that way? The instant I thought about that, I swear, that hope doubled in size. It had to be true. She never gave second chances, but here she was, practically begging for things to go back to how they were.

Well, maybe begging was a bit strong…

Finding her answer, she looked me in the eye. “Because I don’t think you will break.”

Da fuck.

“What the hell does that even mean?”

“You’re right about me. I’m fucked up. Always have been. I’ve played around with guys like you before. I push them a little and they break. Always. Not you though. You did what I asked, knowing you were going to hate it. When I pushed you too far, you didn’t break, you got angry and pushed back. That is why you are so interesting, Isaac. I think you can take whatever I throw at you.”

“Jesus. Are you even listening to yourself right now? There are more red flags than a Chinese military parade.”

She didn’t say anything. I don’t think she could.

It was my luck that the first hot girl to ever pay me any attention was batshit crazy. Then again, she probably would have to be crazy to be interested in a boring person like me in the first place. I almost wished she was just after money. That I could deal with.

I knew she was crazy and that this whole thing was a disaster waiting to happen. Did I really need to touch the fucking stove to learn it was hot? I could see the damn flames!

“So if I agreed to this, I would roll back into level one?”

Hope sparkled into her eyes as she nodded excitedly. “I’ll give you the pictures back and I promise I’ll—”

“No.”

She blinked a few times. “I… I see.”

“I’m not doing that leveling quest again. If we do this again, I want to start back at level two.”

This whole thing might have been worth it just to see the look of surprise on her face.

“O-okay.” She smiled. “I can definitely do that.”

“I want my three picture choices too.”

She wrinkled her nose. “Fine. I’ll take them.”

“I changed my mind though. I want two of them to be you in the middle, and the last to be another finisher.”

There was a long silence. “You seem awfully calm about this. You do realize what I’m going to be sending you, right?”

“Yup.”

Another pause. “That’s it?” I shrugged and she frowned. “This… honestly isn’t how I expected any of this to go.”

“What did you expect?”

“Either you were smart and didn’t agree, or things went more or less back to how it’s been.”

“And we are. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

Rolling her lower lip in, she gently chewed on it. “I thought I did,” she finally answered. “But this isn’t what I was imagining it would be. You are too comfortable.”

I shrugged. “Like I said, I did a lot of thinking over the break. Why? Regretting it already?”

For the first time since we started talking, she gave me a wide smile. “Absolutely not. Thank you, Isaac.”

“And if this has any chance of working, you need to stop when I tell you to. You can push all you want, but I say when we stop.”

“That’s fair, though ‘stop’ might be a bit too common…” She thought for a moment. “How about ‘red?’”

“Why red?”

She shrugged. “It’s the color of stop signs. How often do you say red in casual conversation?”

I couldn’t figure out any reason to disagree so I nodded. “Fine. ‘Red’ and whatever you're doing stops immediately.” She nodded. I didn’t say anything as I stood up. Her eyes followed me as I paused to look down at her. “I’m not like you, Emma. I’m willing to give someone a second chance if I think they deserve it, but never a third. Remember that.”

As I left the library and walked into the cool night air, I took a deep breath and looked up. Releasing it, I practically deflated as all the bluster and bravado left me.

I wasn’t making a mistake, was I? There was something seriously wrong with Emma, but could I really throw that stone considering what I was doing? I barely managed to escape the burning building before. Now, I was running back into it.

Looking down at my feet, I started walking home. I was taking a hell of a detour off the road I had planned for myself and I wasn’t sure if that fear in my gut was from the excitement of the unknown or from knowing I was making a decision that would derail everything.

Kicking at the sidewalk, I grumbled to myself. “James, you better be fucking right about this.”