Plans Change

Leaving my sample behind as well I twist through the throng of shoppers and quickly catch up. Trotting up beside her I grab the handle of the cart in a silent request to allow me to push again. She cedes and glides to the right to allow me to take control.

“Hey.” I say, lightly bumping my shoulder into hers with the same playful energy we’d been enjoying until a minute ago.

“Hey, yourself.” She bumps me back before pointing off to the right. “Let’s grab that line.”

I steer the cart over to furthest line in the row. It wasn’t the shortest but the folks ahead of us were pushing mostly empty carts. As we wait I ask her in a low voice. “What was that about?”

“Hm?”

“Back there.” I motion with my chin.

“Nothing.”

“Heather.”

She sighs. “Sometimes I forget how old I am.” Every so subtly she shifts closer to me. “You make me forget that I’m not as young as you make me feel.”

“So…you gonna sleep in the car or head over to Lily’s for the night?”

She gives me the most bemused look. “Excuse me?”

“I have it on good authority that there’s no pity allowed in the house.” I say, holding up my hands. “I didn’t make the rules.”

For a moment she is speechless until she lets out a laugh and shakes her head. “You got me.”

Pushing the cart a few feet forward as the line moved I quip. “I also heard it spoils your appetite. And that would be a shame given I’m fixin up my signature tacos.”

“I get it!” She loops her arm into mine again and gives me a little shake. “Point made.”

“I hope so.” I say. “We’re going to have to get used to this if we’re going be friends or…whatever this is turning into. I’m not embarrassed to be seen with you, if that’s what you’re worried about. I sure hope that I don’t embarrass you.”

“Of course not!”

I look over into her eyes. “I don’t care that you’re older than me, Heather. And, honestly? Even that’s not quite true. I like you just as you are. If you were younger or older or shorter or taller or…otherwise different, you wouldn’t be the you that you are now. And I really like this you.”

Heather looks at me for a long moment before saying. “Here I thought I was the one for pep talks.”

“You said I had to be strong, so I’m being strong.” I say. “For both of us.”

She chuckles hugs my arm to her. “Can’t accuse you of not listening, can I?”

“I’m a good boy!” I state proudly, which earns me the strangest backward glance from the woman in front of us who’d clearly been listening in. When she turns her head back around Heather and I share a good old giggle about it.

While Heather pays I help box the groceries up and soon we are on our way home. As she spoke cheerfully beside me my mind lingered on how I’d lifted Heather’s spirits back at the store just by stepping up and showing a bit of confidence. Had it been Blair I would have surely just buttoned my lip and passively waited for her to broach anything that she might wish to talk about. Reacting was easier, and lazier, than actually grabbing the bull by the horns. But I was learning that it definitely wasn’t better. I enjoyed my obedience to Heather but I was starting to understand that for all her strengths and good intentions Heather had her flaws as well. How had Lily put it? Broken. Yeah, that’s what she’d said. Her mom was lonely and broken. And it began to dawn on me that, just like me, if Heather was able to fix herself on her own…she would have done it years ago.

“I really enjoyed that.”

“Me too.” She says. “Being with you makes even the little things fun.”

“That’s how I feel. You make me so…happy.” I say, my voice low and soft. “Heather?”

“Yeah, baby?” She strokes my arm.

“I, um…” I fall silent for a few seconds before I forge forward with the words caged inside of me. “…I had some time to think about things at work this afternoon. Just in the back of my mind I was running over some things. And…if I don’t say something now I don’t think I would ever forgive myself.”

“Oh?” She grips my arm. “What is it, Elliot?”

“I don’t want you to set me up with Skye.”

“Okay. Is there something the matter with her?”

“Yes. There’s something the matter.”

“Go on, sweetie.”

“And I, um…I don’t want you to go out with Myles either.”

“Oh!”

“I can’t tell you what to do. I’m just saying what I want. It turns my stomach just thinking about you and him.” Before she can say it I cut in. “And it’s not just the honey talking. You know it’s deeper than that. You know it.”

“Okay. I won’t go out with Myles if it will upset you.” She tried to keep her tone neutral but I could hear the relief in her voice. “But, our plan…”

“Your plan.” I gently correct her. “Yours.”

“Baby…”

“Please. Let me get this out. I almost convinced myself of your plan on the way home today but…I was deluding myself, Heather. And I think you are too.” I look over at her. “This plan. This…**** plan to stay close to each other. I understand it but…it doesn’t feel right. Does it? Deep down? It’s not right.” She either can’t or won’t answer me but her hand tightens around my arm. “I was talking to Julie. She told me about how special a matriarch’s bond was. Not just for the bonded pair, but for everybody.”

“She shouldn’t have filled your head with that stuff. She said it for her own reasons, baby. Julie is a very selfish woman.”

“But an honest one.” I retort. “I’m glad she told me. You said if something happened to you that I’d be alone.”

“You would be alone! Loneliness like you couldn’t imagine.” She says, her eyes haunted by grief. “I mean, yes. The family would rally around you. You would be one of ours. We love our men very much. But…the bond… They couldn’t take my place. Nobody could.”

“Just like nobody can replace my Mom and Dad, but here I am still.”

“It’s not the same.”

“I know.” I say. “The point is, you wouldn’t be abandoning me. They would be there for me. And be there all the years before. And I would be there for them. I’d…I’d have a family again, Heather!”

“Oh, baby.” She strokes my cheek. “You will have a family. Someday you will.” She sighs. “You don’t know the pain, baby. But I do. You can be surrounded by loved ones and still…feel so…so…alone.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.” Taking her hand I give it a supportive squeeze. “May I ask you something personal?”

“Of course.”

“After all the pain you went through…if you could go back, would you do it differently? Would you not get with Alexander if you knew how it would end?”

My question shakes her to her core, but she answers without pause. “I wouldn’t change anything.” She lets out a sad laugh. “Except his diet and maybe getting him to exercise. He would have been so miserable eating salads all the time.”

“But he would eat them. Because you told him to.”

“I wouldn’t do that to him.” She says, her voice hushed. “But I would try to convince him.”

“So he did still have free will?”

“Only at my whim. Can you really call that free?”

“But you allowed him to be himself.”

“Of course I did. I loved him.”

“I know.” I say as I make the turn down the alley. “I met Mr. Hutton a few times. I didn’t think he was a zombie.”

“He was a beautiful man.”

I pull the car into the parking space, careful to leave her enough room to get out with my car parked along side. Shutting off the engine I remove the keys and sit there a moment in the heavy silence.

“Do you think you could ever love me that much?”

“Oh, my boy.”

“I’ve seen how much you care about me and how much you’re trying to protect my freedom.” I say. “You make it difficult for me not to trust you. Even with my soul.”

“Elliot…I would consume you.”

“And I would welcome it! I know I’ve got nothing. Nothing but myself. But whatever it is I have, it’s yours if you want it.” I say. “I will work so hard for you. I will make something of myself. You’ll see. I will love you like nobody else can, if you just give me the chance.”

“Babyyy.”

“You’ve been so focused on protecting me that…you never stopped to really consider that I might not want to be protected from you.” I say, staring at the fence in front of us. “Like with you and Alexander…I believe the pain would be worth it in the end. For years of happiness, maybe the pain is just the price of admission. It’s a price I’m willing to pay. I welcome it! Maybe I’m too young and too foolish to see the truth, but that’s how I see it. Who can really predict the future anyway? We don’t get to choose our destiny. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. There are no guarantees. Every choice is a risk. Every day is a blessing. I want to spend my days with you.” Turning in my seat I face her. “If you are absolutely committed to finding a man you think is better for you…I will help you in anyway I can. But I can’t pretend to agree with it. And I am sure as hell not going to live with you, Heather.”

“What?”

“I’ll stay until I can get my own place, or sooner if the bond gets to be too much, which ever comes first.” Taking her near hand in both of mine I hold it tight. “I could be your friend…I could be your best friend…but I’m not going to live under the same roof with the woman I want only to watch another man have her. That’s a **** I will not bear. I don’t deserve that kind of heartache. You’ve taught me that I deserve better than that.” I kiss the back of her hand. “Okay. I said my piece.” After a deep breath I nod. “I just had to get that off my chest.”

“Oh Elliot.” Deep in her rich brown eyes I could see the turmoil I had caused pulling her heart in two. “You’re not going to make this easy, are you?”

“For your sake I wish I could, Heather. I don’t want to lose you. But I can’t change the way I feel.”

“You are temptation itself, my boy.” She whispers. “You make me want to do bad things. Very bad things.”