Numbers One and Two

“Hey there!” Louise looked up and saw he best friend Hillary approaching her table in the café’s courtyard. Not for the first time, Louise looked her friend over. Hillary was fairly tall at 5’10”, Asian features (Japanese, according to Hillary), slim with a B cup bust, and (in Louise’s opinion) a ridiculous bubble butt. Upon reaching Louise, Hillary leaned forward and gave Louise an air kiss over each cheek before sitting down. Louise resisted the urge to roll her eyes. If her best friend (and divorce attorney) wanted to indulge in some kind of fru-fru greeting, Louise wouldn’t begrudge her that affectation.

Eyeing the glass of wine in front of Louise, Hillary grinned. “I see you’ve decided to call it early today.” Louise grinned back. “Yeah, for some reason, people don’t seem to like it very much if their dentist smells like booze.” Louise took a sip and sighed. “But for some reason, when my lawyer tells me we have a lunch meeting and she’s 3 martinis in, nobody bats an eye.” Hillary laughed out loud. “Hey sis. I don’t make the rules…” “I just look for the loopholes”, Louise finished for her.

In the companionable silence the ensued, Louise thought back to the events of the prior week. After months of back and forth, her divorce from Dave was finalized and SOMEHOW Hillary had gotten her half of Dave’s retirement, 70% of the equity in their house, AND managed to keep her from having to pay alimony, even though she made roughly 3 times what Dave did. Louise bit her lip, deep in thought. Hillary, having managed to flag their waiter down and order a martini for herself, looked up at Louise and smiled. “You’re doing it again”, she said. “What?”, Louise replied. “Thinking about Dave. Wondering how I did it. Patting yourself on the back for befriending me. Questioning if it was right to talk Dave out of filing for divorce until you passed the 10 year mark, making things like retirement accounts and alimony possible.” Hillary laughed at this last part. “I have to say, I am proud of you, my girl. I have no idea how you sold him that line of bullshit that I was somehow friends with a marriage counselor! As if! Why on earth would I send potential clients to someone who would help them reconcile their differences??? Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!” Louise frowned. “I’m not saying I’m ungrateful, because I’m not. But did you have to stick it to him like that? It seems pretty harsh.” Hillary grinned. “That must be your conscience. I had mine surgically removed during law school.” Seeing Louise’s frown deepen, Hillary added, “Look. I asked for all of that shit, not expecting to get even a third of it. But, as they say, ask for the whole universe and be happy with a star.”

Louise looked at Hillary. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard that saying before.” Hillary waved Louise’s concern away. Doesn’t matter. The point is, I ask for way more than I actually expect to get. That way, I can make concessions and the judge will see how reasonable I am while the other side looks like an argumentative ass. Clearly, it works!”

“It doesn’t help that Dave’s attorney got caught as a peeping tom when the judge was still just a lawyer and Dave’s attorney was 14.”, Louise added. In retrospect, I now know why you “suggested” that Dave hire that guy.” Hillary laughed again. “Yeah… the only thing more dependable than Judge Stephens liking short skirts, is his long memory for people who have slighted him. I can’t imagine too many offenses more grave than trying to sneak a peek at the judge’s wife as she was getting undressed!” Hillary laughed, closed her eyes and took a sip of her drink. She tilted her head back to bask in the sunlight. “Lou? Seriously girl, you gotta let this shit go. It’s over and done with. Now it’s time to move on with your life!”

Hillary sat expectantly with her eyes closed for a few more seconds. “Fine. Sulk if you want, but you know you love me!” Hillary opened her eyes and blinked. Louise was gone. Hillary looked around in surprise. She flagged her waiter down and motioned him towards the table. “Did you see which way my friend went?”

“Ma’am?”

“My friend. The six foot tall brunette with the hourglass figure! The one whose tits you kept sneaking glances at!”

The waiter blanched and looked around nervously. “Ma’am, could you please lower your voice? Also, I don’t mean to be rude, but there hasn’t been anyone sitting at this table except you.”

Hillary frowned. She opened her mouth to speak, but suddenly snapped it shut as an overwhelming wave of fatigue washed over her. She opened her eyes (when had she closed them?) and started to reply when she realized she was no longer sitting at the café.