My Weird First Therapy Appointment; Part 3

“Flip it,” Doctor Samson prompted. It had become a shorthand in the conversation to prompt me to focus back on the ‘I’ statements instead of just telling what happened like it was a story instead of something that I’d been through. He’d need to use it frequently as I got through telling him about the last week, keeping the sexual details out of it but making it clear how things had

I nodded and wiped at my face. The second round of beers was gone a while ago and he hadn’t offered a third - probably a good idea - and I was still sitting on that brown leather chair but leaning forward with my elbows on my knees. “I feel blessed as hell to be in th situation that I am, but I’m also so fucking stressed,” I said. “I mean… I feel like I shouldn’t feel stressed - I’ve got so many gorgeous, empathetic women wanting to support me. And friends willing to listen, too. But I’m always worried about… I feel like I should be doing the supporting. Helping carry the load for them. That’s what I do.”

The Doctor nodded slowly. “OK, that’s an interesting insight.”

“Is it, though?” I asked. “I mean… it feels kind of obvious.”

“You’d be surprised, Robbie,” he said. “Most healthy relationships that last go through periods where one partner is shouldering a bit more of the load than the other based on the life seasons they are going through. It sounds like you’ve been doing that for a long time now, and you’re very used to it. What do you think about the fact that you were filling that role, but Cassidy sounds like she was carrying a lot more than you realised?”

“Bad,” I said immediately.

“And-” he checked his notes, which he’d started taking once I was juggling more than a few names of girlfriends. “What about Wanda? Do you think you’ll be able to shoulder most of the emotional weight of her divorce for her?”

“I mean… As much as I can,” I said, hearing how absurd that might actually be.

I wasn’t expecting him to crack a smile. “Robbie, I would like to introduce you to the Male Ego. Or, more appropriately, your Ego. That thing inside you that says you're sort of invincible, can do just about anything and shoulder any weight. The part of you that suffered a deep wound with Cassidy admitting her cheating, and then got what I can only call a giant-sized meal as it not only was offered a one-sided open relationship - which is a very primal urge-feeder - but also succeeded dramatically at accomplishing it. Seriously, Robbie, I have other polyamorous clients. I consult with other psychologists across the country about the subject to better serve those clients. I’ve never heard of someone engaging with it in this sort of way. Your ego is wounded and ballooning at the same time.”

“Is that where the panic attacks come in?” I asked.

“I can’t tell you that for sure,” he said. “But I can tell you that a muscle, whether it’s a physical one or a talent, that is growing needs appropriate time to rest and adapt. And a wounded one needs time to heal. If your ego is a muscle that you use appropriately…”

“I need time,” I filled in.

He nodded.

I sighed. “I needed time right off the top of things,” I said, shaking my head. “I knew it. She knew it wasn’t fair, but she did it anyway. Cattie knew I needed time. Everyone did. Fuck, and now Terra is going through a breakup and isn’t giving herself time before coming here, and Wanda…”

“Don’t focus on them for now,” Doctor Samson cautioned me. “Not in here, alright?”

“Fine,” I said. “So what am I taking away from this? I need to focus more on me and my ego?”

“Cycle back to your goals,” he said.

“Stop the panic attacks and get back to some sort of normal,” I said.

“Right. Well, your normal of two weeks ago was living with your fiancee, not knowing about a few key truths,” he said. “Like I said earlier, you can’t go back in time. You can’t unlearn those things, and I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’d probably not prefer to dump your hot model girlfriends to go back to focusing on your fiancee.”

“No, I kind of closed the door to that already,” I murmured, shaking my head at myself. “Too far down the road.”

He gave me a look that said it was technically never too far down the road to make a change, but didn’t say it. “It’s usually bad form for a therapist to give concrete advice,” he said instead. “But like I said, I’m not very traditional, and I consider this more like a little homework than it is some sort of prescriptive action - Cassidy and Catherine both fly out tomorrow, correct?”

“Right,” I nodded.

“And it will take Cassidy and- Terra at least a few days to make it back here?”

“I think the plan is two days packing there and then two long days of driving back. It’s something like 24 hours road time.”

“Do you think it wouldn’t be too strenuous on finances for them to draw that drive out a bit?” he asked. “Give you an extra day or two for some extra time to process who and where you are?”

“I don’t think it would hurt,” I said. Finances were still OK for you and Cass, and they would be splitting the motel and food bills. Giving them less daily driving time also made you feel a little safer for them driving an unfamiliar rented Uhaul truck at night. “I really need five or six days alone?”

“I think it would help if you had time to figure out you again,” Doctor Samson said. “You separate from the eight-year relationship you’ve been in with Cassidy that’s been a major defining part of your life. Not that I’m suggesting you need to separate, but it’s healthy to take stock sometimes. And you don’t need to do that alone - you need Me time, but you also need Bro time. When was the last time you hung out with a group of guys that wasn’t for work?”

“Um,” I said, shaking my head. “Honestly? I don’t know.”

“Your friends mostly lean towards women, right?”

“Yeah,” I said. I’d never really thought about that before. I had friendly male acquaintances and coworkers, but the only male friends I’d hang out with regularly were Thomas and his boyfriend, Teddy. All my other male friends were from college or high school and were all over the country.

“That’s not a problem, but sometimes when a man is going through it, there’s something about just being around other guys that can bring a reprieve from the weight of stuff. So my homework is to see if you can get yourself at least a couple of days, even better if it’s three or four, where you can spend some time with you, and you can spend some time around guys. Hit the local YMCA for a pickup basketball game. Go for a swim and stretch those muscles. Hell, take yourself on a date and go see some live music this weekend. Work on figuring out you, and you’ll be better equipped to help carry your share of that weight that’s bouncing off your shoulders. Think that sounds reasonable?”

A weekend alone sounded… foreign to me. Which, thinking about it, was kind of weird.

“Yeah,” I said. “Yeah, that sounds reasonable. I’ll see what I can do.”

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