Monday- A Relaxing Stroll

“Ugh, why couldn´t the wizard-”

“Magician.”

“Whatever. Why couldn´t she have tried to scam people in Mallorca? Or, you know, anywhere actually interesting?!”

“Come on, boss, these nature walks are really fun. Isn´t all this fresh air wonderful?”

Annie and I were walking across the local nature trail, because apparently, a town lost in the middle of bumfuck England has no nightlife, fancy restaurants, or anything in the way of real attractions. Maybe the magician was doing this place a favor by actually livening up the town…

Even if it was at the expense of other people´s dignity.

I´ve been walking for what feels like hours, and for what? To look at a bit of green grass? The odd flower? The saddest trees this side of the ocean?

Maybe I would be a bit less cranky if there were someplace to rest, but nope, not a single resting spot on this forsaken path. Not even a plastic chair! I had resigned myself to losing all feeling in my legs when I finally saw something that renewed my spirits.

A bench! A beautiful white bench right at the top of what passes for a hill in this country. A tour group of local geezers was all around it “admiring nature”, but for some reason, none dared sit down.

Their loss. I strolled up to that bad boy and sat my tired ass down for a spell.

“Wait, boss! Look!” Annie pointed at a sign to my right.

“Bench under maintenance. Please don’t sit.” My blood froze. No wonder this bench looked so pristine. I ran my finger across the surface of the wood, praying my skin remained the same lovely hue of caramel it always was when I lifted up. It did, thank goodness.

I grabbed Annie´s wrists and pulled her slim butt down onto the bench with me. “Relax, it´s not like it´s covered in fresh paint, so there shouldn´t be any problems.”

Annie looked at me with the indignation of a cat just sprayed with water. Her freckles wrinkled as she narrowed her green eyes. “Still, we shouldn’t just-”

“We are on vacation, loosen up. Weren´t you the one saying we should enjoy this place?”

Annie relented. She turned to stare at the admittedly picturesque grass field, taking a deep breath, and- “ack!”

I swear that girl has the luck of the devil after taking a bath of holy water. A flier smacked her right in the face. With an indignant huff, she grabbed it and gave it a read.

“Huh, look! The town´s going to have a festival on our last day here. Some sort of medieval tradition. There´s going to be a parade and everything!”

“Hopefully that´s more interesting than this…” What a waste of a morning. Feeling the numbness in my legs dissipating, I decided I’d had enough fresh air for the day. “Let´s start getting back.”

As we stood up, a horrible ripping sound echoed at our backs. The wind began dancing around my smooth legs, goosebumps sprouting across my toned thighs.

The tour group gasped at us, and no wonder. I could see Annie´s polka-dotted panties atop her creamy thighs, which means she was probably seeing the black lingerie around my crotch. Sure enough, our ripped pants were still on the bench.

Thank goodness most of the old geezers didn´t have cellphones made this century, or else I know we would have become the town´s newest lingerie model by sundown. Still, what a way to make myself known to the local rabble.

“How?! I know it wasn´t covered in glue!” I said, running my finger across the wood again. Once more, it remained clean. I tried to pull my pants back from the wooden bench, but the ripped fabric remained eerily stuck to... huh.

“I think these old nails caught on to our clothes, somehow!” Annie said, pointing at the rusted metal between the wooden boards, which seemed to have bent in just the right way to snatch our legwear... at the same time...

This smelled worse than the fish market, but there was little I could do about it now.

Annie gave her pants a mighty pull and… ripped them apart. “I-I think this is a lost cause, boss.”

“Stupid bench.” I gave the obstinate chair a righteous kick… and the stupid little thing took a bite of my sneakers as well! These were some clingy nails! I couldn´t shake my foot free no matter how much I pulled my leg.

The old people grew more restless. The more uptight ones began berating our choice of underwear (mostly my own) . A slight burn spread across my cheeks, and I could see Annie´s face likewise becoming flushed.

“L-let´s hurry back, boss.”

“Argh… agreed.” I pulled my feet out of my shoes and retreated from the scene. My hands were placed near my panties for the little good that did me; I needed both on my ass to keep my considerable brown buttocks in place. My long legs were free and exposed, flexing as I ran along Annie down the trail.

To keep our bad luck streak, there were many other tour groups coming across the exact same trail, tourists from the neighboring towns, apparently. All eager to point and mock at the two foreigners flaunting their underwear in public.

Ugh... Talk about a bad first impression.