Marry

The first recorded case of a cartoon getting married to a human. Who used to be known as Jessica Rabbit in the real world, is now known as Jessica Doe in mine. I find myself just outside of a huge house in 1940s Los Angeles. I can overhear some guys talking. “Is that him?” “Yeah, that’s the son of bitch that married that drop dead gorgeous toon.” “She can do a lot better than him.” “So much better.” “Could you imagine what sex with a cartoon would be like?”

I don’t have to imagine it, as I’m about to experience it right now. I go inside and exclaim, “Honey, I’m home!” A little dorky, but I can’t help it. From upstairs I here, “I’m up here darling!” I waste no time making my way up the stairs, spotting her 3-inch heels and iconic dress on the way up. I burst into the main bedroom and there she stands. My blushing bride in all of her animated glory.

“Wow,” I mutter. My new wife says, “I know we had to cut our honeymoon short because I had to get back to work. We didn’t have any time to consummate our marriage. I thought I’d make it up you now.” This is a dream come true. I bring my wife in for a passionate kiss. As I hold her animated face in my hands, I remember that she is a tall woman. Even without her heels, she’s 5’9. I make myself grow to 6’1, so that I’ll always be taller than her, even in heels.

My sudden growth spurt doesn’t phase her. She takes off my shirt and plants numerous kisses on my chest. “I can’t believe ... I was ever married ... to a rabbit ... when I should have been ... with a man like you.” I grab her face and look deep into her impossibly green eyes. “Let’s not talk about that rascally rabbit. There’s a reason you divorced him. He can’t do to you what I can.”

She turns around and sways her hips as she approaches our bed. She sits down and says, “In our wedding vows, I agreed to obey you.” She reaches into her cleavage, and pulls out a pair of handcuffs and a paddle. You got to love cartoon physics. “What do you say, sweetie? Are you going to show me that maybe I wasn’t just drawn this way? Maybe I am bad after all?”

Jessica Rabbit, sorry Jessica Doe, is my subservient wife. I bet you I could go digging in her cleavage and find all sort of BDSM related stuff. Maybe a gag. Some clothespins. You know, the basics. Just straightforward sex or indulge in some BDSM? As I contemplate what to do with her, I remember something from the book the movie is somewhat based on. A special ability cartoons have. Maybe I should give it to her and have a bit of fun.