Lunchtime

All five members of Dead Space sat at the lunch table. Benji had brought in another stupid Would You Rather.

“Ok, so: you’ve been captured by aliens, or something. They’ve stripped you naked. In front of you is your mom and behind you is your dad, both also naked. Do you go forward or back?”

After a few moments of stunned silence, George spoke up. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Before Benji could answer, Shaun spoke up. “Forward.”

“What?” George questioned.

“Yeah, forward.” Danny agreed.

“Why is this such an easy decision?”

“I don’t want anything going anywhere near my asshole, man!” Shaun explained.

“What about you, George?” Benji pressed.

“Can’t I just stand still?”

“No. If you don’t move, you die.”

“Why?”

“The aliens’ll shoot you or something.”

“Alright, I’ll go sideways.”

“You can’t go sideways.”

“Why?”

“‘Cause I fucking said so, ok? Just answer the goddamn question!”

“Why do the aliens want me to have sex with my parents anyways?”

“I don’t know, they didn’t explain their motivations to you.”

“Would there actually be penetration? I don’t think it would be physically possible unless we were all, like, drenched in lube.”

“God, you really know how to suck the fun out of these questions, you dick.” Benji finally resigned.

“Yeah, ‘cos that’s fun for me.” George replied with a grin of satisfaction.

Their conversation fell into silence, before an unexpected (to most of them, at least) visitor sat down at the table.

“Hey guys!” Brionna greeted. “How’re you doing?”

3 of the 5 looked completely baffled by this, while George had some idea of what was going on. Danny was completely unfazed, but that’s mostly just his personality.

“I’m doing great, thanks! How are you?” Danny responded genuinely.

“Pretty good, yeah. I actually have a proposition for you all!”

“Is it the same proposition as before?” George interjected.

“Wait- she spoke to you before?” Harrison spoke up.

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you mention it before?”

“I don’t know, it didn’t seem relevant.”

“The most popular girl in school propositioned you and you didn’t feel like it needed mentioning?!”

At this point, Bri coughed intentionally, drawing attention back to her. “As I was saying… I take it all of you are virgins.”

This caused a variety of reactions: Benji confirmed, with a joke at everyone’s expense; Shaun attempted to deny it poorly; Danny offered up the information friendlily; and Harrison stayed quiet with some agitation.

“How would you all like some coaching?”

“What does… that mean?” Shaun asked.

“Like, I’ll help with matchmaking, give you advice, basically be a wingwoman and help you all get laid.”

They returned to silence as they contemplated the offer. Danny was the first to agree, followed by Shaun and then Harrison.

“Wait, seriously?” George reacted, surprised by his friends for the second time in the last, like, 10 minutes. “You all can’t be that ****.”

“You said no?!” Harrison was equally surprised. “Dude, when the head cheerleader wants to help you get laid, you don’t say fucking no!”

“Yeah, come on George.” Bri pleaded. “You might as well if I’m gonna be helping everyone else.”

All eyes were on George. Eventually, he let out a long sigh. “Fine.”

Bri clapped happily. “Yay! Project Cupid is a go!” She began to stand up. “OK, I’ll be back, but until then, I want you to start thinking of ways I could help you. I can come up with some general ideas, but you’ll need to do the specifics.” She waved at them as she left. “See you later!”

Despite his apprehension to the idea, George couldn’t help but smile. Even if it ends up a failure, at least his life will be a little more interesting for the foreseeable future.