Like the beacons of Minas Tirith

Chapter 3

Maybe you died and woke up in another world? Or some kind of virus changed you and now incredibly pretty girls like you? You raise your eyes and take a closer look.

Holy... fucking... hell...

Long, soft brown hair falls over her body like water. Dark brown with light brown, subtle streaks that give her a natural elegance that catches your eye, but at the same time doesn't scream for attention. But with her hazel, deep, clear eyes, she doesn't have to. Her face is well-groomed and if you weren't blown away by her natural beauty as if Mike Tyson had smashed your brains to mush, you would be uncomfortable with your shabby outfit and unkempt appearance. But instead you notice her pressed, lightly made-up lips that seem to be fighting either to smile or pout. The gesture brings out the fine lines of her face that harmonize so well with her cute nose. Everything is mixed in that hint of dark taint that you don't know if it's the sun or her heritage, which you are (hopefully) sure has something Asian about it. She wears a black blazer with a white blouse and black skirt. The blazer is unbuttoned and underneath are her perfect...

No! Don't look! She'll kill you if you stare at her breasts now!

"Hey." A hand reaches past you. "Alistair." His smug grin is disgusting. And exactly what you need now. He'll take over the conversation and...

"Hey." She looks at him for maybe half a second, then her eyes land on you again. You blink stupidly. Did you miss something here? She doesn't look like she's about to lecture you about feminism and strong women and weak men, she's too nervous for that, standing shakingly in front of your table. Have you embarrassed her that much? You don't know. Pretty women are something you don't have much to do with. She extends her hand to you, strongly, almost impaling you on her fingers. Or maybe it's because you're in public? Does she not want to make a scene? Or is it something else?

"Ethan?" You look at Alistair. His smug grin has a hard time not turning into an amused laugh. "One returns a gesture made in peace." You look at the girl. She still holds out her arm to you like a loaded weapon. Clumsy, nervous, lips pressed together. But her eyes are fixed and intense on you as if they were...

Is she checking me out? That can't be. Or... Oh yeah, the gesture.

In fact, you still remember basic human behavior.

"Hey." Alistair grunts amusedly but you ignore him.

Shit, her skin is perfect! And her hand is so delicate. Incredible. And... Does it smell like... peach? Wait... what... Shit! How long has the handshake been going on? Let her go immediately!

Your fingers loosen...

But the girl holds you tight.

"I'm Lisa," she says, her eyes on you. Her fingers tighten around your hand a little, never letting you go. She really doesn't want to let you go. Is she preparing an attack with pepper spray? Or is someone secretly filming?

"Alistair," your friend introduces himself, but is ignored.

"Ethan," you say, but it sounds like a dry cough, like you have a pound of flour in your mouth.

"Ethan..." the girl whispers while still moving your hand up and down like a zombie. Her face relaxes a little and a slight, almost imperceptible smile spreads across her lips.

Scratch that. She smiles, broadly and happily.

"I'm Lisa." You already know that.

Is... Is she... nervous? What... the...

"Hey Lisa." Her smile also gets wider. "I'm Ethan."

What the fuck is happening here!

"I know." And she laughs. Tenderly. Warmly. And she tucks her hair behind her ear, tilts her head a little. She struggles with herself.

Then she lets your hand go...

And sits down next to you.

Holy mother of God. What the... But you already had that.

"Oh!" Only now does she realize her mistake and quickly stands up again. "Can I sit down?"

"Eh..."

"Yes!" Alistair laughs. You need this intervention and Alistair looks at you with such an amused expression that you can't help but agree with him. But then you feel Lisa's light body next to you.

You slide a little... She slides back to your side.

I'm dead... I'm dead...

"Is that okay with you?" she asks and looks at you apologetically. You nod like an idiot.

"Great." But she grins like someone who has just done something really great. And then she laughs. High pitches and soooo god. Damn. Cute. You could die here on the spot. It almost happens because she grunts a little and holds her nose. “Sorry.”

“For what?” you ask, noticing out of the corner of your eye how Alistair leans back comfortably and looks for a waitress.

"So Lisa, tell us. Why are you here?" Again, the girl doesn't pay any attention to Alistair and you only look at him briefly before you notice that Lisa isn't taking her eyes off you. The look in her deep brown eyes scans you as closely as a laser scan and her face has an expression of wonder and curiosity that makes her look so realy, realy... like really sexy. But then she notices that the ball is in her side and clears her throat.

"Oh. Yes." To call her happy would be an understatement of cosmic proportions. "Actually I was waiting for..."

Oh no... what...

A change takes place in the girl that surprises you, then worries you and finally makes you breathe a little faster. Your stomach turns as you see the happiness drain from her face and it seems as if she is realizing something. It's bad enough that her eyes lower and look at the table.

"Yes..." Then she looks up and there is something serious and urgent in it. "Ethan." She is struggling with herself, even you in your stupor can see it. "Can I talk to you?"

"But of course," you say helpfully, but Alistair and Lisa shake their heads at the same time.

"Then I guess I'll pay for our drinks," Alistair groans playfully and stands up. Then he nods with you. "Ethan. Are you coming?" he asks innocently. Lisa is about to slide off her seat, but stays seated when she sees Alistair. "He'll be right back."

"Yes," says the pretty girl. Then your friend pulls you with him.

---

"Fuck, what's going on here?" you ask, astonished, and shake your head. "Thanks for getting me out of there. This chick is definitely crazy. We should get out and..."

"Wow..." says the cashier as Alistar grabs you hard by the collar.

"What's happening here?" he hisses at you like a poisonous snake. "That's called 'winning', Ethan. Did your father never ask you that when he came into your room uninvited?"

"What? Huh?" Alistait grabs you even harder.

"You're going to listen to me very carefully now. Got it?" You just nod stupidly. "This girl likes you, got it?" Stupid nod. "And you're not going to ruin it by telling yourself you're not worth it? Yes?" Stupid nod. "This is an opportunity, Ethan. And a big one. You have to take advantage of it!" Stupid nod. "Look at her!" He grabs you and turns you around on the spot.

There's a guy standing next to Lisa and leaning down towards her.

"She's already being courted by others. And... Fuck!... Exactly what I thought. Do you understand what's happening right now?" The guy looks great, you wouldn't stand a chance against him physically. Lisa smiles at him... and shakes her head. "She's rejecting him! A man who looks much better than you!" Before you can say anything, you're whirled around again and look into Alistair's manically grinning face. "This is a dream, Ethan. Your dream! Make it a reality! Now!" And then he simply pushes you away from him in the direction of the girl. Lisa.

---

"Here he comes," you hear her quiet voice. She seems so fragile, verbally and physically. But she shatters the hopes of the man in front of her as she looks at you, overjoyed. The man shrugs his shoulders and turns away. He'll probably have someone else on his arm in a few hours.

You, on the other hand...

"Hey," you say.

"Hey," Lisa says. And smile. Damn that smile. "Shall we?" She points to the door. “Please?”

Lord in heaven… Fuck...

---

There is a small lake, not far from where this crazy event took place. You used to always stroll around the lake with your (now ex-) girlfriend and talk (usually you) until you two got fed up (usually her). It was a good time and good times leave the deepest wounds. Unfortunately there are many such places in your city, but the lake is in the top 10. So why are you here now? Because it was an opportunity?

Or because you are hoping for something?

“It is very beautiful here.” Lisa’s voice penetrates your ear through the sadness. It sounds tender and careful. “Thank you many times for making time and doing this.” She smiles at you so sweetly, a bit of teeth and a rosy color on her cheeks as she strolls along beside you, her hands clasped in her lap and her gaze intensely directed at you. She looks a bit out of place in her business attire but you do too with your 'outfit'. It seems as if she wants to enjoy every second with you and your grim behavior only seems to reinforce her caution.

"Sure," you murmur and look out over the lake while groups of people, individual pedestrians or cyclists share the path with you. It's hectic here but Lisa doesn't seem to notice any of that as her brown eyes glide over your face and body.

And then neither of you says anything and a silence that is at first normal, then a little bit, and then very uncomfortable, spreads between you. Lisa is clearly worried about saying something, after all she almost kidnapped you on this walk. You are just too stupid, caught between your dark thoughts that you so desperately want to get rid of and...

And there is the definite attraction that you have to the sweet, reserved girl with the rosy cheeks, the straight hair and the deep eyes.

And the incredible breasts... and... her ass... Fuck! No! Not that!

Another shake of head. That is exactly what you are worried about. That is exactly what you want to avoid. Another love affair or a one-night stand that leads to nothing. Another broken heart. You feel encouraged not to let it get that far. You would not be able to cope with another defeat in your condition, you feel like a wounded soldier with the last wave of enemy attacks rolling towards you, unstoppable and merciless. You don't want the pain of a breakup again.

And you don't want Lisa to feel the same.

You stop for a moment

Where is that coming from?

But you know it. Despite all the efforts of your ex-girlfriend and her best friend, you still believe that you're a pretty good person. Okay, you would welcome it if certain buildings in this and other cities, the two girls' living spaces, went up in flames, but Lisa...

"It's okay," you say and turn your head. It must have taken a long time for you to continue speaking, but Lisa looks at you and is obviously happy that you're offering her a chance for... What for, actually? "Sooooo..."

You sound like you're retarded.

"Sooooo..."

And she sounds so damn sweet. Shit.

Lisa giggles at your shared reaction, then she becomes a little more serious. A certainty comes over her face and for the first time she doesn't look at you but at her feet in front of her, which are slowly walking along the path around the lake. You have the opportunity to see her hands clench, but then you pay attention to her voice, so fragile and feminine, as she speaks about something that is probably just as uncomfortable for her as it is for you, maybe even more so, and you notice that you start to grin slightly, ever so slightly, when you see her strained face.

"It's actually totally stupid..." she begins, then it's her who shakes her head. You want to agree with her, but you prefer to keep your mouth shut. "No. It's not stupid." And then she turns to you again. "It's wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. It feels so wonderful." You wait a while while you watch two cyclists speeding past you without braking, then you look at Lisa. She is lost in your gaze again, smiling absently while her eyes dart around your face. You clear your throat uncomfortably.

"What's so wonderful?"

"You!" It bursts out of her, no chance that she intended to tell you like that. "Shit!" She puts her hands over her mouth and opens her brown eyes wide.

Even her cursing sounds sweet... But pull yourself together... okay?

"I'm sorry!" Apparently Lisa isn't finished yet. And you don't know what you want to say either.

And you want her to keep talking.

"But it's true! You're so wonderful! I saw you and... I don't know either..." She looks down briefly, then raises her eyes again, naive excitement in them. "Have you ever experienced something like that? As if your whole world suddenly made sense?" You can only shake your head.

"I mean... with my ex-girlfriend... maybe... Well... whatever..."

"Ex-girlfriend? So..." She blinks at you questioningly.

"I'm single," you say, mouth dry, arms weak, heart beating wildly, head switched off. Like it always is when you see incredibly pretty girls.

"Okay..." Something is happening inside her. There is realization. And then there is joy.

But not as strong as you thought.

"Okay..." she says again. You take two more steps, then you notice that she has stopped. Of course you turn around and walk towards her, Lisa, who is standing uncertainly on the path, passers-by and all kinds of people around you. She seems lost, uncertain and nervous. And then she seems confident and determined. So she comes towards you, takes your hands in hers, warm and soft and delicate and beautiful. "Ethan... I can't explain it... I don't know why it happens... But I know what it is... And it feels right... Real and..." She swallows. At the end, your ex-girlfriend cried in front of you once, more out of anger than fear, but you recognize the signs in Lisa's eyes, even though it is so different with her. You hold her hands tighter and her fingers close around yours. "I know I shouldn't... I'm not allowed to... It's wrong and... brutal and... unfair but..." A short pause.

Don't say it... Say it...

"Ethan, I love you." That small, tender, easily erased smile is something you've never seen before. Lisa has tears in her eyes and is smiling at the same time.

Shit, that's... beautiful...

You're not a bad person, you're sure of that. But nothing in the universe could have prepared you for this. Because even if you refuse, try to refuse, you know exactly how this person feels about you. You recognize it, even if you haven't seen it yet.

That's love. Simple and complicated at the same time.

But love is still love.

"Ethan, I... I know it's coming suddenly and it's kind of... fucked up... I know... but..." You really have to stop living so much in your head, otherwise you'll miss out on real life. And Lisa seems to be someone who's worth living for. "You don't have to say anything..." Lisa gets even more nervous and the healthy pink turns into a warning red as she speaks faster and more quietly. "I know it's pointless but it just feels so perfect and if I don't say anything now then maybe never again or if we don't see each other again or if I say something wrong then there's a chance I'll mess it up but if I don't say anything then that's even worse and what could happen if I say something I mean..."

Your hands close a little tighter around hers.

And then your body muffles her voice as your arms wrap around her and you pull her to you. A skateboarder almost shaves your legs off but neither of you notices as you hug Lisa to you.

"It's okay" you grumble into her shoulder. She is roughly the same height as you and it's easy for you to hold her. Even though her arms close around you and she returns the gesture.

"I'm so sorry..." you hear her murmur. “Thank you… But… I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t be” is all you say and stroke her back. Totally inappropriate. You haven’t even known each other for an hour. You don’t know each other at all.

But fuck… It feels good…

“Need be” she mumbles into your shoulder and then she lets you go.

“Why?” you ask, not sure if you mean her words or that she has let you go. But the question gets stuck in your throat when you see her face, red and with tear-filled eyes.

“Because it’s mean.”

“Mean?” Lisa nods eagerly as her lower lip begins to tremble.

What’s going on here, you ask yourself again and again you get no answer.

“It’s so mean” the girl whimpers.

“But…” You want to ask her so many questions. Why me? Why you? Why now? Why at all? But Lisa is crying and somehow these questions don’t seem important to you at the moment. "You wanted it... didn't you? I mean..." you want to moan, but only a confused snort comes out of your mouth. "You spoke to me."

"Yes... And it was so nice... That we are here now... but..." You want to hug her, but just hold her hand. There is a bench nearby that you can sit down on. As soon as you sit down, Lisa is immediately on your shoulder again, holding you tight as if you could dissolve into a memory. You understand her, it also seems like a fever dream to you. "But it's so mean..."

"You don't have to do it, Lisa," you say, saying her name for the first time and feeling good. "I know love can be a very beautiful thing. But if it hurts you too much... or... Maybe I'm not what you're looking for?"

What kind of bullshit are you talking about? Shut up, you stupid bastard! She loves you! She said it!

But you're resisting your inner voice with the argument you've thought your whole life was the right one. Maybe it is. You just know... It feels right.

Do it for her. So she'll be okay.

"I mean... you definitely seem very upset and... I don't know if... love... the way you feel it can't also... harm... do you understand?" But Lisa shakes her head and looks at you with tear-soaked, brown, deep eyes.

"No," she says and her face twists in pain. "That's not it. I... I love you... I love you so much..." Now she's said it three times.

You should too, rightly so...

"But I'm... gay... and... my wife..."

---

"Come again?" You blink in confusion. You laugh in shock. "I just thought you said..."

"I have a wife, Ethan..."

"Oh..." you say. Then you understand. "Oooh! Oh shit! Lisa! What..."

Now you understand what's going on inside her. Of course she can't just throw her life away or deny her sexuality. You haven't had much contact with gay people in your life, but you understand that she said gay and not bi. Maybe she also realizes that she isn't completely gay. That can certainly throw you off track. What if you suddenly became gay, all your self-confidence and self-image blurred? Of course she doesn't want to immerse herself in that world, she wants to stay in the safety of her old world and...

"I have to leave my wife," sobs the girl at your side.

"Yes, that's certainly the best thing to... Wait... WHAT?" The bench under your ass suddenly doesn't seem so stable anymore and it looks as if you're losing the ground beneath your feet.

"Yes," whimpers Lisa and clings to your arms. Then she urgently tugs at your sleeve while a small drop of snot runs out of her nose. "I have to leave her and..." Maybe it's rude to interrupt her, but you hand her a tissue. "Thank you." She blows her nose and you've given her precious seconds to collect her thoughts and understand what she's saying. "It just hurts so much to have to let her go."

Nope. Still on the same track.

"I love her..." Lisa's eyes widen and she sniffles heavily. Then she speaks in an urgent voice. "But I love you more. Ethan. My God, I love you so much more. I don't know what it is but... It feels so good. And I'm so happy. And then I'm so unhappy. I don't want to do that to Maddison." Now she becomes determined. "But I will. I have to." She sits up straighter, wipes her face with her sleeve like a child, but looks like an adult when she looks you in the eyes. Determination comes to you, security, so much more than you feel right now. "I want to be with you, Ethan. I will make this work." You haven't seen her so sure today. “If you allow me.” And immediately there is that feminine insecurity again, that dependence on your words. “Please.”

Shit… Fuck… She is so… … … sweet…

---

You sit like that on the bench for several days, the sun moving across the horizon while the pedestrians around you blur into streaks in fast motion.

Of course it isn’t like that, but even when a cute dog comes to you on the bench, neither of you manages to pet the cute animal. The owner apologizes to you, but quickly sees that you have completely different problems.

“Lisa…” you finally say after a few weeks… days… hours… “I don’t know…”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Lisa sniffles quietly and pats your hand.

And you take it in yours. You hold hands. You’ve known each other for a little over an hour.

“Please just let me try,” she pleads quietly. “Please. Let me get my life in order, make everything right for you. I'm leaving my wife and getting together with you. Please." She turns to you and where you are confused and intimidated, Lisa is downright panicked. She's laying everything on the line, here and now.

"You really love me?" This question comes far too quickly. You need time. Lots of time. And you need space. Once again you try to imagine the madness of this situation. There is a divinely pretty girl, sweet and shy and nice and all of that... and she loves you. With all of her heart. And she has a girlfriend... a wife, who she wants to leave for you. This is all too much.

"Yes," says Lisa and nods so eagerly that you're worried she might break her neck. "I love you like I've never loved anyone before. I know it. It's for sure. I love you."

"Okay." There is no solution to this problem, you realize. She loves you, everyone can see that. And you... Do you love her? It's clear that you're afraid of getting hurt again. Heh. First time I've admitted that to myself. She seems to be a good influence on you. No, you tell yourself. The problem is how do I hurt her the least? Either I turn her down now, then it will hurt for a long time. You know what that pain feels like, you've felt it for a long, long time. And then you've been betrayed. But what's the alternative? I let her ruin her life? For me? For what? She wants it, you know that. And you... Do I want it too? But that's not the question, especially because you think you already know the answer. Is it right? That's the real question. And I can't answer it.

"Do you want to go on a date with me?" you ask Lisa.

Fuck! Fucking shitting fuck!

Then you can't think as the girl throws herself around your neck, screaming, and actually takes your breath away with her feminine power.

"Slowly. Slowly," you gasp... smiling. It feels right. It feels good.

Maybe... We can... make it work? No! Shut up!

"If you kill me now, neither of us will have anything." Lisa lets go of you and you cough quietly, but grin at her kindly.

"Yes!" she calls excitedly, tears in her eyes again, this time for a different reason. "Yes, I do! I do!" She jumps around on the bench as if you had proposed to her.

Slowly, Ethan... Slowly...

"Thank you, Ethan! Thank you, thank you, thank you! You won't regret this! I promise you..."

"It's okay," you grin and slow her down a bit by taking her hands again.

Like a couple. Shit.

“I think that’s the best we can do, don’t you?” Another clear, eager, happy nod.

“I’m so sorry for putting you in this situation. And thank you for solving it so well for me.” She nibbles on her lip.

****… by… nose bleed…

“But is it good for you?” Real concern plays on her face. “I mean… it’s good for me… perfect, even… but…”

“For me?” Now that she and you have exceeded your limits so often, so hard and so far, it doesn’t matter if you express your thoughts so freely. In fact, it even feels good, since Lisa has done it too. “Have you looked at yourself? You look incredible. If I don't go out with you, the ghosts of every man will haunt me for all eternity."

And Lisa giggles, her hands over her lips, happy eyes and her chest rising and falling as she looks at you like she's been doing the whole time. In love.

"And I'd like to get to know you better, Lisa," you continue so that it doesn't sound too chauvinistic. "Your personality, what you're like... And whether you're really as crazy as you seem." It was meant to be a joke, but Lisa looks at you in shock at first, then she understands and laughs with relief.

"Thank you, Ethan." She wipes her eyes one last time, then stands up. "I promise you, I'll try my best. And I'll respect your decision. Whatever it may be. But..." You stand together and she looks around. Then she stands on tiptoe and kisses you on the cheek.

It's like the beacons of Minas Tirith that are lit and send a signal fire through your heart. Somewhere in there, Aragorn rushes through your halls and announces that Ethan Lynchwood has found love. Finally, Lisa sinks down again. The kiss didn't last too long, wasn't pushy but sweet and shy. Then she holds out her hand to you.

"May I?" she asks and somehow you know what she means and hand her your phone. She types in her number. "I'll always answer. Promise."

---

And so you have a date with a girl. Of course you can't believe it. But you can believe one thing.

You are sure that it is worth the risk. Lisa is worth it.