Kind Penelope

"So... if you tell me about me, I don't turn into her or anything, right?"

"Don't know. Never tried it before. I mean there was this time Mom and Randy had an experiment with this guy... who said he liked being a girl better, so of COURSE Soreass Loser has to smite him blind."

"I think we can skip that story, I like looking at you," I touched her lips with my fingers. "How bout just... you know, general stuff. Stuff you like..."

"Oh dear, now you're encouraging me to make you what I want..." Eris ran her tongue around the inside of her mouth. "You know when you tell people things about themselves what happens, right?"

"What?"

"They believe it," She breathed. "Nothing's more fascinating to mortals than a mirror."

"Right... so you tell me about Penelope, I believe it, and..."

"Yep, next thing I know I might be in bed with a golden haired gal with gorgeous eyes, a decent figure, and a tendency to cry a lot and spook when she thinks somebody might be watching her."

"Yeah, Pass on that, Kaila would kill me,"

"Eh, she's gonna kill you if you don't pick her no matter what," Eris laughed. "But that's Mom..."

"Mom? You're saying Kaila is..."

"Mom. Yep. You just bred a mother daughter team... twice. Or have you really not figured this out yet?" Eris rolled her eyes. "I mean, Mom's good, and this time she really pulled out all the stops."

"I thought... well, I mean I knew she'd been with other guys but..."

"Oh yeah, just like her own mom. We're Greek, remember. Five kids and a monster. You were her first affair with a mortal though. The monster was just a **** fuck."

"Just a... ok, I think I'm going to have a little difficulty keeping perspective here," My mind whirled, imagining my lovely wife, admittedly a bit manipulative, but... a goddess? "How bout you, I mean, you're not exactly a virgin..."

'Yeah, and a lot of people talked a lot of crap about me. Smear jobs aren't exactly new. How many cults do you know that are dedicated to a concept like Ruin? None, right?"

"Just weird cartoon villains that get killed... riiiight, got it."

"Exactly. Glad to see you've joined us, Mr. Durden. Nobody worships just ****, unless they're a bad guy who needs to be killed off. Notice they never mention a Dad, because apparently, everything is my fault. Ten seconds of examination and any smear job falls apart, but you actually have to LOOK."

"I'm... ok, now I'm wondering about Helen and..." My mind flashed to the the other women I'd been with.

"Yes, Yes, and Yes... and if you count the little virgin on the riverbank, which I DO... Yes but you already knew that one."

"Why did... ok, this is insane. Things like this don't just happen to people." I sighed. "Random people don't just get selected for this kind of thing. Especially not people who won't make a decision."

"Are you kidding? That's the ONLY people who get paid attention to! Say you won't decide between two groups that want what you have, and they'll fall over themselves and kill each other to prove worthiness. Do it between three, and they'll team up against each other. Do it between a dozen, and they'll organize a league. Add a few more complications, and they'll spend all their time trying to figure out the rules rather than realizing you're keeping them busy. Penelope's Web. The ability to crosswire the desires of everyone into fighting each other for something worthless."

"That sounds like something your cult..."

"I TRIED to recruit you. But you and the Ice Queen were like that..." She held up her hand, crossing her middle finger over her index tightly. "She has this thing about straight sex, and... well, if you'd worked for me, sleeping with a few of those suitors to gain an advantage would have been part of it, Cuz" She momentarily broke into song, "I Don't Give a damn bought mah bad reputation... Your former Husband on the other hand... well, Outis had a nasty tendency to blab and take credit for things instead of shutting up and enjoying it."

Eris pressed the back of her hand against her head.

"Soooo dramatic. Has to be the center of attention when you've got a whole plan involving arming twelve of your girls with Labrys. You even TELL him. The thing with serving the priceless ancient vintage that you swore you would only open when your husband returned was HILARIOUS."

She wiped her hand down her face.

"It would have been incredible. Proof that you must NEVER **** a woman's decision. All of them dead from a wine that you could have had no way of knowing was poisoned. They'd have been BEGGING for quick release from their pain with an axe, and kind Penelope and her maidens would have granted it. In walks your husband, you apologize for the mess, assure him you'll have it all cleaned up by the time you get out of bed and live happily ever after. That's how it should have gone. That's what Helen wanted."

"Helen wanted..."

"She loves you, you dumb bitch..." Eris poked me on the forehead again. "She may not have LIKED your ex much, but she put up with him. Besides, as long as he was gone, she got to be with you. There's always more than one reason gods do things."

"So there's more than one reason you're telling me this," I observed.