No happy ever after.

'You asked, and I want you to like me," Eris shrugged. "Does it have to be more than that?"

I pursed my lips thoughtfully.

"Ok, ok, I get the point. Ugh... if only we lived in more Cynical times," Eris smiled. "I mean, here I am, a goddess, right in front of your eyes, and you won't trust the warmth of her body or her word because of a bunch of nasty stories by mean men who didn't want you going after their daughters."

She pinched my nipple and twisted for a second.

"Maybe I just like seeing you squirm," Her voice took on a more menacing tone. "Maybe I'm the real villain after all, and you just sealed your doom by choosing the harbinger of destruction who will call ruin and pain down on the world. Do I feel like a cartoon villain to you? Maybe if I use my mouth..."

She brought her lips to my shoulder again and began kissing down.

"Maybe I wanted... a chance at being invited for once," Eris whispered. "It's nice to be thought of... nice to be given space in the minds of so many. Nice of that one guy to thoughtfully put his dick back in his pants. You're sweet Kevin, but maybe wait until you can read this thing legally. I don't want to get Penny here in trouble. Now log out, and pretend this never happened, ok? Where was I? Oh right, reasons..."

She laid her head on my chest and her hand traced across it.

"Maybe I just wanted to see if a woman would make the same decision. I always have to pick who gets the apple. Always had to... every time, random chance, luck, fortune determines it. Maybe you were just the billionth customer on the resurrection express after its grand reopening... but you know those giveaways are always rigged."

"So, who else have you picked?" I ran my fingers through her hair, just enjoying the moment.

"Ooof, well, your ex, of course. Had to pick him, everybody would have thrown a hissy if he hadn't been chosen. Fucker tried to do what every guy does the first time and suggest splitting it between the goddesses after stripping em naked."

I blushed, thinking about how I had spent the last week with the women in my recent romantic escapades.

"Don't feel bad... everybody does something like it. You at least made it good for every one of them. Most guys just go for the 'Ugh ugh... woman show me tits.' Not that I would have minded... but I really don't go for the whole line up thing that guys seem to like so much. Think I'd feel like I was running in the Heraeans again. "

"Ok, I lost track, where was that English and where was that Greek?"

"So much reading you're going to have to do... boring, boring reading. Or you could just lie here and let a sexy goddess fill your head with all sorts of nasty truths... which is a lot more fun, you have to admit."

"I admit nothing."

"Now I know it's you..." She giggled. "not that I had any doubt of course... but yeah, so... back to Ramblin' Mans selection, which he wisely NEVER told anybody about. So, yeah, he thinks that since he KNOWS who the most beautiful woman in the world is, and Paris blabbed so much about what he did, he can score some major points here. Get all the prizes, or something. Anyway, he gives it to Tits, expecting to get Helen of Troy. See, if he got her, awarded as a war prize, everybody else would have had to acknowledge his total triumph. Beats the Trojans, when nobody else could, conquers the heart of the woman that nobody else could, unites the kingdoms, like nobody else could. Wins all three. Succeeds in Wisdom where Paris failed. Succeeds in Love where Paris Failed, and Succeeds in Power Like Paris Failed. The Redemption of the Greek way of life. Except, she wasn't the most beautiful or desired woman in the world at that point."

"It was his wife. The one everyone wanted. The last kingdom that hadn't been ravaged by internal fighting. So, everybody descends, and yet, instead of a siege, what happens? The queen keeps saying her husband is gonna be back any day now, and she's got so much work to do, and would you like some wine, and here, have a party, and wow, look at the time, maybe you should get some sleep, and come back in the morning, because we've got so much work to do today..."

"Ten years. Not the last time you pulled it, by the way. Been kind of a staple through your lifetimes. Sometimes you tell stories, sometimes you sing or paint, but it's always something creative, and nobody ever seems to catch on to what you're doing until it's too late..."

"Well, everybody knows what happened at the end. He came back, Goes LEEEE-ROOOOY JENKINS on everybody, hung the collaborators, and then... end of the story, right? That's where it ends for everyone," Eris patted my chest, her fingers drifting to sit directly over my heart. "And that's where we can end it if you want. Right there. A happy memory for you, of the triumphant hero rewarded for his service by his faithful wife."

"But that's not what happened, was it?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Nope. Do you really want to know? It's not a happy ending," Eris looked at me sadly. "Sometimes people really want that knock on the head before they push start."

"He left me, didn't he?"

"Yeah. In less than a year. See, he comes back, and massacres people in a manner that you can't just clean up or blame on bad luck. Legendary, epic. And the source of an entire kingdom's blood feud. If the idiot had just waited another hour..."

"Blood feud, oh so everybody and their cousin..."

"Yeah, everybody. They all want a pound of meat, and gold, and wine, and... and... and... and... and according to the Big Rules Lawyer, if he can't pay, he's exiled. Of course, HE starts claiming that he felt the urge to wander, and that no one kingdom could ever hold him. And then he runs off again, after taking one look at your books after the payoffs and realizing how much was left."

"He just... he just left?"

"Yeah. Even was going to take your son before I convinced him otherwise. You're welcome for that one, by the way. No charge, I liked Telly. Wish he would have listened to me, but... you can't win em all."

"I had a son. Wow." I contemplated it. The concept was a bit mindboggling. "So I guess I wasn't totally..."

"Not totally. But pretty close. You hung out with women all the time, didn't even let guys enter your rooms, only would see them in public with lots of witnesses... said it before and I'll say it again. Men are so fucking stupid sometimes, aren't they?" Eris sat up, releasing her grip on me. "I need some... ugh pants or something. Hey, can you get me a towel or something... I think there's a bathroom through there."