Just one more page

Yeah no, not yet.

Obviously you can’t put this off forever. At some point there’s going to be a more important power-up and you’ll need to suck it up anyway. The longer you put it off, the more anxious dread you’ll have built up around it. It’d be much better to just get it over with now and not have to keep worrying about it. All that said, you know you’re going to spend at least another hour trying to avoid and hype yourself up to bear the major pain you experienced last time.

As long as you’re procrastinating, there’s one other semi-productive thing you can do while you wait for sleep to deliver its summons. You’ve been meaning to read the full list of achievements in the KDK, at least the non-hidden ones. Some of them might be easy to accomplish, thus providing a dependable source of experience as well as those inscrutable “points.” You tap the trophy icon, and set the filter options to exclude anything hidden or already achieved. You learn that the KDK is one of those apps that disables screenshotting, so you tab back and forth between it and your Notes app.

Some of the achievements, you don’t bother writing down, because they seem incidental to larger plans, such as “Like a Baby - Suck on your second pair of tits (you probably don’t remember the first)” and “The More the Merrier - Have a sexual encounter with 3 or more participants.” You figure as long as you stay on the path to a more fulfilling sex life, they’ll happen eventually.

You also scroll past the eyebrow raisers you saw last time you investigated this list, including “Wet Dream - Have sex while one or more participants are asleep” and “It’s Not Squirt - Urinate on a sexual partner.” The most bizarre and cumbersome task you come across is the “Reverse Romanian Wilkinson” which requires you to have a sexual experience involving a penguin mask, a bag containing a minimum of 16 marbles, and at least 0.5 kilograms of guacamole. There’s a profession-based achievement for leveling up a clown, which you do jot down on the off-chance mimes count and you see that mall busker again.

Watching a seemingly endless column of near-identical boxes pass you by eventually takes on a hypnotic rhythm, like counting sheep. The scroll bar tells you there is an end, which you’ve nearly reached, so you press on through the haze. The goals that get selected for your curated list are limited to those with requirements you have to go out of your way for, but seem easy enough once you do. Not as many meet your criteria as you would like, but you wind up with a decent initial to-do list.

Crushing it!

Level up your crush

Genital Sex Alliance

Level up a member of your school’s GSA

Group Project

Level up a classmate

My Honker is up Here

Level up a clown

What is Love?

Level up a member of a debate club

Only once you close the grand list do you realize everything you copied involves a level-up. Before you can do most of these things, you need to find a relevant subject to register in the first place. At least there’s one you already have an appropriate subject for. The existence of “Crushing It!” alerts you to the label of crush being more than a callout, actually conveying information about the app’s mechanical operations. The fact that your crush frequents their school’s LGBT Resource Center might also count as the college equivalent of a GSA.

Completing that monster of a list has left you so tired you can barely keep your eyes open. Wanting nothing more than to just fall asleep, you realize it’s time to pay the piper. You open up your status page and find the detestable “keep it up V2.”

Keep it up! V2 (user upgrade):

After the User experiences an orgasm, the period of time in which it can have multiple orgasms is extended by 50%

Tap to confirm use (Warning! may cause mild discomfort during the application process).

There’s no backing out now. You grimace and apply the upgrade.

Confirming user upgrade. Applying upgrade.