Is your fantasy partner monogamous? Are you?

Is your fantasy partner monogamous? Are you?

Despite the inconvenience of Charlie’s pranks and the ass backwards sizing of designer clothes in Portland, my workday yesterday had gone amazingly. Mary had apparently called in sick, giving me total freedom to direct and speak with her team without needing to balance the awkwardness. Today was going to be more difficult.

First, my wedding ring would not, for the life of me, fit on my finger when I woke up. It worked on my pinky, but just couldn’t get past the first knuckle of my ring finger. My hands didn’t look swollen, but perhaps that was a side effect of drinking while taking those pills—whatever they were. I also did usually feel bloated on my period, and though I hadn’t had a flow or cramps, I was due for one.

Second, Mary’s car had been in the office parking garage. Parked in the same spot as always, I could practically see us fingering in the back seat. Even worse, I could see her driver side door open up.

I turned away and quickened my pace, hoping she didn’t have a plan of starting a conversation with me. I knew she recognized that I was avoiding her, but hopefully she wouldn’t play dumb and— “Victoria!” FUCK!

I winced and slowed my steps to a stop. I reached up and scratched my forehead. I couldn’t ignore her or be short, otherwise she’d go to HR and say I was targeting her and couldn’t remain objective as her boss. “Uh, yeah?” I turned around, off-put by her maroon pencil minidress that was pushing the limits of professionalism both on top and at the hem. She pushed her shiny blonde hair behind her shoulder so it wasn’t obscuring the view of her cleavage. My favorite color on her, new hair, immaculate smoky makeup: Yup, she’s trying to fuck me, again.

She smiled, sweet as venom, bouncing and jiggling to catch up to me. Were my tastes really so… male? That this was her attempt to seduce me again? “Welcome back—wow those heels make you so tall!”

“Uh… thanks.” I checked my watch. She waited a beat for me to reciprocate a compliment. But when I didn’t, she just moved on as if there was nothing but a breath between the lines.

“I was hoping you could catch me up on what I missed, yesterday.” She prompted, gesturing for me to lead the way to the elevator. I couldn't suppress my amused chuckle. So that was her plan?

Miss a day of work having a salon day just to have a reason to be alone with me in my office for at least the first half of the day. “Are you still sick?” I asked as we boarded the elevator, making sure to use that as an excuse to stand away from her.

“No, it was just a cough.” She answered as the doors closed. “How’s Mt. Rainier?”

“Mt. Bachelor.” I corrected. “And it’s great. Charlie just finished all the renovations himself. It’s a great house with a great view.”

“That’s boys, for ya! Won’t call a professional.” Mary laughed, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, well turns out most of theater is construction and electrical work, so he’s done great work. Plus it keeps him busy while I work.”

The elevator dinged and the doors slid open. I stepped out without a moment’s hesitation, happy to not be trapped in a small box with Mary. “So he’s not back to teaching?”

I felt a stab in my heart, almost stopping me in my tracks. Mary and I had joked a lot about Charlie’s job: the nothing pay, the ‘unmanly’ subject he taught, and even accused him of less than savory behavior. Truthfully, I had become embarrassed to be married to a teacher. I thought I wanted someone ambitious who understood the pressures of the industry and had a taste for luxury. When Charlie read the texts where I said I ‘lose all respect and interest in him when he talks about his workday,’ he seemed to have all his passion replaced by pain. I wanted him to go back, it gave him purpose and he had loved it so much. But I’d ruined that for him.

“He’s considering an offer for the next semester.” I lied, thinking back to Jane’s remark about the open English position at her school. I had wanted to talk to him about it, encourage him to take it. But I got so lost in my horniness and the drama coming back to work, I hadn’t mentioned it. “Now that the house is fixed.”

I continued to my office, fiddling with my ring, which I had to wear on a necklace. The ring replaced a small pendant that had been suspended by the silver links, and frankly looked better than the ornament ever had. I stopped at my door, holding it open as she entered, ensuring she couldn’t close it on her way in. As she sat down I opened the blinds, so that everyone could see that nothing was happening.

“So, yesterday—“

“Good work on getting Lu back on board.”

“Uh, thanks.” I nodded. “Yesterday—“

“I just heard you singlehandedly saved the launch, so kudos.”

“Yeah, there’s a reason they pay me.” I shut down her attempts at flattery. Though, admittedly, it was nice to hear. Praise always was my weakness, and Lu had not been easy to sway back. “Yesterday,” I swiveled my monitor around to show the chart I’d made of everyone’s pitch and assignment. She kept smiling, the bitch.

I just wanted to put the brat in her place. I wanted to grab her by the hair, wipe the smug look off her face, look deep into those blue eyes and… tell her never again! She wasn’t worth it! No matter how much she bounced in her seat, or played with her hair.

I was too horny. For the past year-and-a-half, I’d wanted to do nothing but slap the bitch in the least sexual way possible for the monster she turned me into. But today, after two months not so much as seeing her, I just couldn’t stop noticing things.

Her nails are trimmed, filed, and glossed.

I’d always had a high libido. It got me in a lot of trouble in my younger years—and again in my older years.

No panty imprint on her dress.

Even the last year, pent up and waiting for Charlie to want me, I masturbated frequently. Once or, more often, twice a day. Occasionally even three times.

She’s wearing that damn perfume.

But even as a horny college party girl, I’d never had such an insatiable appetite as I had for the past month or so. Three times was my norm, now. And as Monday proved, I could probably marathon masturbate an entire day away without feeling fully satisfied. Three orgasms a day was a scheduling problem, not the measure of my need.

Fuck, I gave her that necklace.

What I needed was my husband. I wished, more than anything, that I’d brought him with me. Maybe I wouldn’t be noticing so much if I had someone’s face to grind into in my hotel. But I couldn’t so much as get him on the phone. But her, you have in your office… Ready… Eager.

They weren’t thoughts I was willing to engage with. I had no intention of cheating again. I had no real interest in Mary, either. But I was having a lot of intrusive thoughts; too many to shut down. The fact was simple: I needed more sex than I was getting, especially given how much work went into sleeping with my own damn husband.

“Sorry, off topic, but the grey looks good.” Mary pinched her brow. “I know I probably shouldn’t say that, but really.”

My hand went up to my hair, fingers quickly combing through it to hide my bashfulness. Maybe I’d keep dyeing it. I looked down at my desk, just avoiding eye contact, and slid my jewelry box over. My thumb ran over the etched design of a crescent moon over a tsunami. Words arced over the moon that filled me with such shame and honor to read.

“Fair as the moon, with the fury of her tides.”

That was Charlie’s version of a compliment. Poetic, romantic, more in line with words of worship.

It was a pathetic victory over my own selfish, animal desires, but I turned the monitor back to myself. “Hank can catch you up on the rest.” I felt so ashamed to have given her body a second, final, once over. I felt like I needed to make it up to Charlie for even having intrusive thoughts he would never know about.

“Oh.” I didn’t get the satisfied feeling I was hoping for watching her smile fade. It didn’t feel good to hurt her feelings, even if she was trying to actively ruin my marriage. It was harder to just stop caring about someone than I wanted to pretend. She was insecure, and lonely. There weren’t a lot of women with the ambition and opportunity to meet her at the top of the corporate ladder, gay ones especially. “Ok. See you around, I guess.” She had evil, fucked up desires, but so did I. In a way, we deserved each other.

But Charlie wanted me. And I wanted him, I’d come to learn. I owed him that much.

She closed my door on the way out and I let out a sigh of relief. I didn’t want to close my blinds and signal that she’d had any effect on me, but I did hold the wooden jewelry box in my lap just to feel close to him. He was good at gifts like that. Even years later, I could be struck by how thoughtful it was.

I wanted to get him something when I returned. Sex? Yeah, right, like I wasn’t gonna just do that anyways. He didn’t need new power tools and he preferred to make his own solutions to inconveniences. All his musical instruments held sentimental value to him, not that I knew the first thing about what he needed or preferred in those regards. It had been a while since he played, though.

It wasn’t really fair. Charlie had skills. I had money. It was way harder to be thoughtful with money.

The computer still really frustrated me. It had been right after a big fight—or as close as Charlie got to fighting—in couple’s counseling. He said he resented how I made him stop playing video games and threw out his computer. I didn’t get video games, to me they always seemed childish and reminded me of frat bros and high school jerk-offs playing basketball with their obnoxious friends on the TV instead of outside. Reminded me of being waved off and told that I had to wait because “you can’t pause it, it’s online!”

But fine, it hurt his feelings, and it was an important hobby to him. So I went home and googled ‘Best Video Game Computer’ and ordered the most expensive one on Amazon. Had the little obnoxious lights on it and everything. It was a peace offering. A signal that I was willing to let it go and just let him play his stupid little computer games so he could stop moping.

I had been so excited for him to open it. Thought it was gonna be a big breakthrough. I listened to his complaints and I got him a really nice gift to make amends. He opened the box and looked like the thing would bite him. He tried asking me questions, so I sent him the Amazon page and he lost interest quickly. Never even plugged the thing in. I was glad to be sleeping in separate beds for that week.

It still pissed me off, thinking about it. Like, did he expect me to learn how to manufacture a motherboard or build a mainframe? Did I have to learn firewalls?

A knock on my door snapped me out of my daze. “Come in.” I cleared my throat, rubbing my eyes. Stephanie, one of the interns, cautiously opened my door, giving me a quick smile.

“Sorry if I’m interrupting, but I’m doing a lunch run down to Luigi’s and I’m gonna be passing that chicken place you like. Did you want to place an order and I can pick it up for you on my way back?” She asked, causing a growl in my stomach. I was weirdly very hungry despite my large waffle breakfast four hours ago.

“Oh, my god, yes.” I sighed, not realizing how good fried chicken sounded until this moment. I looked up and saw the girl doing tiny dance moved to music only she could hear, on the cusp of being lost in her own world, but still listening. I reached for my wallet and pulled a twenty out, offering it to her.

“Oh, you can just order online and text me the code on my work phone.” She declined, still grooving to the silence as she turned to leave.

“No, I know, Steph, don’t be fooled by the hair, I’m not that old. This is me paying you for your services. A thank you.” I again pushed the money towards her as she jived back over to my desk, nodding with an embarrassed smile. How did a total space cadet like her remember my favorite food spot and then think to ask me to place an order because it was near to a different restaurant? I’d been gone for two months.

“This is a lot for a two minute pit stop.” She shook her head, taking the twenty and shoving it in her overstuffed purse.

“Yeah.” I nodded, starting to get an idea. Stephanie was thoughtful. “When you get back, I also need your help with something.”

“Ok!” She clapped her hands, humming as she danced her way out of my office.

***

My hunger was painful by the time Stephanie returned with my two bags of food. I probably hadn’t been eating enough because of the stress. Following my stomach, I ordered way too much food, but now that the deep-fried goodness was in front of me, I wasn’t so sure I’d have leftovers.

I grabbed a drumstick and gestured for Stephanie to sit as I took a massive bite out of it. Their portions got smaller, I noted, feeling how small the bone was. Stephanie unwrapped her own salad and started pouring dressing over it. “So, what do you need help with?”

“Stephanie, you are thoughtful.”

She furrowed her brow, knocking on her skull playfully. “Usually people say the opposite. My mom calls me a ‘mental meanderer.’”

“You’re considerate. You remembered my favorite lunch place and came to tell me you would be near it.” I suppressed a moan as I pulled a small chicken wing into my mouth. Definitely need to hit the hotel gym tonight. “My husband’s like that. You express mild interest in something and he’s already working on something.”

Stephanie failed to suppress her ‘oof’ face, realizing that she was getting dragged into what was probably the messiest office gossip in town. I sighed, momentarily dropping my food hand to my desk and swallowing so I wouldn’t be talking with a full mouth. “I know.” I nodded, realizing the awkward position I put her in. “But please. I’m not like you. I just want to do something nice and I can’t get it right.”

Stephanie reached behind her and yanked the chord for my blinds, closing them with a snap. “Ok,” she flashed her brows, stabbing a tomato with her fork. “But my boyfriend doesn’t really like lingerie, so I don’t know how helpful—“

I waved my hand in front of my desk, stopping her. “No, no, no! Don’t need help with lingerie.” I assured her. “That hasn’t worked, either.” She made another ‘oof’ face and I cringed. “Look, just listen and tell me why this gift didn’t work, ok?”

“Well, turns out, most guys don’t like the price tag and only really care about what’s under—“

“No! Not lingerie.” I pinched my brow. “Look, I bought him a computer to play his video games on because his other one got…” Be honest with her, she knows things you don’t. “Thrown away.” I looked up from the desk, expecting to see another ‘oof’ face, but she just nodded, continuing to eat her salad. “A-and it was really expensive. And even though he says games are a big hobby of his, he hasn’t even plugged the thing in.”

Stephanie nodded again, shoving another few quick bites into her mouth, which made me do the same, reaching into the bag for another chicken wing. Why am I so hungry?

“Same answer.” Stephanie said, shaking her head. “Boys don’t like the price tag and only care about what’s under the gift.”

“Stephanie, for the last time, this isn’t about lingerie.”

“Yeah. You spent a lot of money on a ‘fine, you win’.”

“What?”

“You think games are lame and probably remind you of a manchild ex who just couldn’t turn the thing off.”

I stopped mid-bite, focusing entirely on her face. Is she a mind reader? I had just been thinking those exact thoughts.

“If he threw away your bench press, called you a gorilla, and then bought you a new one because you pouted enough, would you use it?”

“Well, that’s different. That’s a health thing.” She looked down at her salad, then to the pile of fried chicken bones on my desk and made yet another ‘oof’ face. When did I finish the first bag? “But I see your point.” I conceded, setting the second bag out of reach on the floor, despite the still hollow feeling in my stomach. I had exes who thought I looked mannish when I bulked, and it definitely made me self-conscious.

“Maybe just give him any sign that something he loves so much isn’t going to cost him respect.”

“I’ve told him he can!”

“He’s not a kid who needs a permission slip. Show some interest. Ask about his favorites. If you want a gift, maybe research some games that look interesting to you and buy it for you two to play together.”