Is not the self but falsehood in denial.

I **** after my announcement, holding my words until I feel the hand of Cilla at my shoulder; the hand of the one who knows somethings still wrong. Finding what to say seems to be the hardest thing I've ever done, even compared to fighting to the **** with thirteen men, or having a conversation with **** himself.

"I..." I start, faltering at the first hurdle; what does that even mean?

Why is this so hard?! Damn you, tongue, move! Why are my eyes watering up?!

I begin to feel faint, and then I see it; The thing holding me from my words. The burning visages of the fragments of my mind... I see him in the periphery of my mind; doing things familiar, and forgotten.

Crying in a tiled room, hiding his bruises.

Drinking away what I've forgotten.

Shopping for a ring.

At the ivory keys, mourning for someone I've never met.

Dying, holding his fathers hand.

I see him... the man who I'm meant to be...

A flash of golden light filled with feathers nearly wakes me from my stupor; but nothing should awaken me, I deserve this hollowness for allowing His second ****.

"Hey, bud, are you ok..." Asks a high pitched, boyish voice I can't recognize anymore.

Am I even Him. I didn't want to think on this, but now I've stared the thought in the eyes. Those damn grey eyes! What am I?!

"Monster? What's wrong?" A emotionless, matter-of-fact voice asks; who is that?!

I'm the Monster, not the man. If He was burned away, then what am I? Why am I trying to find Her?! Why did I ever contemplate my being... ignorance was relief enough...

I can't handle this anymore!

I'm slapped firmly across the face, with Ashes then saying. "Sorry!"

Tears are rolling down my cheeks and onto the floorboards as I mutter out the words. "He killed them... my Others... that's what happened in Saltmoore..."

No one dares speak, and I hear the shuffling of the Smuggler and another person leaving the part of the ship we're on; clearly not interested in hearing a large monster man weep.

"What... do you mean." Cilla asks, her words so unusually caring that I could almost swear she's mocking me.

"The three Others in my head, the ones who knew who we were. The ones who were... Me." I say, nearly whispering as I strain to release the words from my stiffening throat.

Ashes moves to my side, and wraps her arms around one of my own.

She says. "But, you're still you. Even if they're gone... also, sorry about the slap."

Ignoring her apology, I explain. "I... I'm not part of the original. I'm not 'Me'. I'm the core Ariel gave to them when they arrived. Mortigan told me as much that night. Without them, I'm not... Me; I'm just a monster."

"No." The once strangely caring voice of Cilla now reverts to its natural neutral state. "That would be impossible. If you were 'just a monster', then you wouldn't be talking to us right now. You'd be off pillaging for valuables, given you're draconic nature. Even if we took into account that you're part fae, the fact you aren't currently biting Ashes head off over slapping you shows you aren't just your monstrous parts. Think, there has to be... something. Something to explain to you that you're not just... dead."

I try to think back to any conversation I had with them; my Others, but all I can see is their burning figures in their last moments.

Until... I remember something...

Logic's words are almost audible as I reflect on them. "Me and Urge, we managed to snip away a part of Ego before the old core made him into that... thing. When this new core came... we placed that part within it. We thought that maybe... It would fix him, or make someone who could."

"A part... a part of who I was is still in me, the others said so." I say, a mixture of relief and mental anguish in my voice; agonized by the fact that I hadn't managed to fix a damn thing before the fire.

"See? All better, right? Now, lets get you something to wipe your face, its a mess." Cilla says, acting as though she had simply just finished a lesson; she begins reaching into her cloak for something to wipe my face.

Zana, who had apparently been holding in tears this entire time, seemed to not care how messy my face is; as she leapt at me, wrapping her arms around my neck as she began openly weeping.

She says through tears. "I can't imagine losing my Other like that, let alone three! I wouldn't be alive without Anaz..."

Her words stop, as does her crying.

Zana's voice takes an all together different tone; one that replaces any internal struggle I was having with an intense sensation of confusion; as her voice is positively full of bravado, and... oh no.

"Ooo, Zee's found herself a man! And a big one too..." Says 'Zana', whose hat has now flipped its bent tip the other way for some inexplicable reason.

This must be Anaz... why is she unbuttoning the top of her blouse?

"Oh Gods damn it!" Ashes shouts, standing up and kicking a wall. "Now we have to deal with her until Zana's back... at least Soot isn't here..."