I feel disgusted.

Ha... Ha ha ha... Was I high when I wrote this? Oh, boy. Well, every writer has a chapter or two they're embarrassed to look back on later, and I guess this is mine.

Battler, wearing Kinzo's cloak like a Halloween costume? Beatrice, acting lovey-dovey with him instead of tormenting him and posing riddles? These aren't the characters I love. It's just crappy fan-fiction, isn't it? Furthermore, it isn't erotic in the slightest.

What the hell is a "Territory Lord," anyway? This version of Battler is annoyingly uppity... I need to find a way to salvage this story and twist it into something sexy. This wholesome husband-wife routine is no good, Battler, Beatrice...!

I cleared my throat. Greetings, Ushiromiya Battler, son of Rudolf and Asumu... Beatrice, the fearsome Golden Witch... I am H. I. Player, the author. I'm the one writing the story. If anyone's a "Territory Lord" here, it's me, get it?

Both of them looked at me with only momentary shock, then a kind of awkwardness. The exchanged glances. Beatrice whispered to Battler, not so quietly that I couldn't hear. "I told you it would end poorly for us to appear before him! Humans are so careless..."

I was being talked around. I snapped my fingers for their attention. Hey, I'm the writer, get it? That means I control what you do. As it happens, I am an erotic writer, and I love the two of you just as much as I love anyone in this story-

"My bad." Battler apologized, then straightened himself up... to look down on me... "I thought you'd gotten to some truth, but you still don't get it at all. You don't understand love, or much of anything else, do you, Player?"

I won't be looked down on by Ushiromiya Battler in cosplay in my own major story ending, dammit! I straightened my own tie, feeling like I'd be just as dignified as him if I had a big cloak of my own. Look, my readers tuned into this expecting sexy private dances. I'm not going to let them down now. As a matter of fact, this scenario presents me with a rare opportunity! Let's think of the appropriate name for the new game. How about: Scandal of the Golden Witch? You see, for erotic writers and readers there's a certain genre that I have rarely dipped my toes into: cuckolding! Right now, I'm going to show my readers an exciting scene where I write this snobby ring-wearing husband Battler into bondage, and then, as he watches, I'll have my way with that witchy wife of his. I'm looking forward to hearing some of those trademarked Ushiromiya Battler screams we fans of this story love so much as I plow his woman until she only has eyes for me!

...

Pity! More pity! The protagonists of my story are looking down on me with pity!

"We'll have you return to your game now, Player," Beatrice told me, joining hands with her husband as if leading him in a ballroom dance. They held their leading arms forward, then began to speak in unison, as though reciting an incantation.

"On the island of Rokkenjima, the head of the family is Ushiromiya Kinzo. Below him and first in line for succession is Ushiromiya Krauss, his caretaker. He is married to Ushiromiya Natsuhi and their daughter is Jessica. Next in line for succession is Ushiromiya Eva. She is married to Ushiromiya Hideyoshi and their son is George. Next in line is Ushiromiya Rudolf. He is married to Ushiromiya Kyrie and their son is Battler. They also have another small daughter, Ange, who is not thought to be present. Next in line is Ushiromiya Rosa. Her marital status is unclear. Her daughter is Maria."

This is familiar... I wrote this, didn't I? Wait, what's this dry information dump doing in the middle of my exciting conclusion chapter? Quickly, now, I'll get Beatrice on her knees and...

"The head servant is Genji Ronoue, the family's long-time butler. Toshiro Godha is the head chef. Chiyo Kumasawa handles various tasks, including serving. Although there are many minor servants, only two were on duty at the time of the conference: Shannon and Kanon. Doctor Terumasa Nanjo is present as Kinzo's attending physician." The two stopped and looked at each other, then shrugged, smiled, and continued. "Sometimes, a human detective named Furudo Erika is invited to appear."

Their words seemed to drown out my thoughts. I couldn't seem to think of how to progress my story. I could only focus on the massive golden energy forming between their hands... rising up like a pillar into the darkness above us...

"The Golden Witch, Beatrice is known as the ruler of Rokkenjima. Her contracted demons include Ronove and Gaap. Her furniture includes the Seven Sisters of Purgatory: Lucifer of Pride, Leviathan of Envy, Satan of Wrath, Belphegor of Sloth, Mammon of Greed, Beelzebub of Gluttony and Asmodeus of Lust, in order of seniority. Virgilia is a senior witch, Beatrice's former teacher. Her furniture includes an army of Goat-Headed Men. EVA-Beatrice is a young witch. Her furniture includes the Chiester Sisters. There are eight in total, but typically, you will only see these three: Chiester 00, Chiester 410 and Chiester 45. Sakutaro is furniture, created from 0 and contracted through the Mariage-Sorciere. Dlanor A. Knox is Chief Inquisitor of Eiserne Jungfrau, who enforce the commandments of Knox's Decalogue. Her subordinates are Cornelia and Gertrude. ANGE-Beatrice is Battler's beloved sister, who is invited as often as she will appear."

The golden light had formed into a sword. Battler spoke alone.

"You caught some of the truth, and the truth can be interpreted differently depending on who looks at it, from when and from where. However... If you want to defy our golden truth, you're gonna have to do it on your own damn island, in your own damn story."

The two spoke in unison together.

"H. I. Player does not appear!"

I do appear! I appear in this story! Of course I do, it's my own story, which my love and my **** created! It's those other two... those weird, obnoxious versions of Battler and Beatrice who don't appear! That's why they're gone, but I'm still here.

I need to calm down. It's for the best I'm alone now. I mean, to be honest... me fucking the characters, then being killed for it... that's why anyone reads this story, right? Everyone's looking forward to what I do next.

Finally, I should get to picking another target. Some human, some demon, some witch... After all, I'm the one who understands them better than anyone. If I don't love Beatrice, who will?