I’m happy with how things are

I laid on the floor after doing the dishes, staring at the ceiling absentmindedly. Sounds of Nia doing laundry in the distance and the fan in the window were the only noises that accompanied me. The prospect of actually involving someone else in our sex life seemed less appealing the more I thought about it. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do with this feeling. I decided to wait for Nia and speak about it with her.

Once Nia came in, I watched her perform our nightly stretches and then we settled into bed together. We snuggled quietly in the dark.

Nia: Can I pick your brain?

Emery: By all means hun. What’s up?

Nia: You don’t seem very excited about sharing anymore. I thought you’d be halfway through the plans by the time I was done. You didn’t even join me for stretches.

Emery: ...Hmmm…Heh, you know me too well sweetie.

Squeezing her tightly was as much as I could muster beyond that for the time being. She moved in closer and rested herself against my chest.

Nia: Your heart’s beating really fast. Are you nervous?

Emery: ...A tiny bit, probably.

Nia’s head cocked up at me. The understanding on her face was unmistakable.

Nia: Hey…You’re okay. You’re not letting me down. I always want what makes you happy.

Emery: I know…just feels like I’m letting us both down…

Nia: I’m not disappointed, no matter what we decide to do. Talk to me. We can figure out what’s up.

Rarely did Nia’s skills at bringing me back to earth fail to impress. Already I was feeling more at ease with the situation than before.

Emery: I don’t think I want to actually bring another person in for the time being.

Nia: Perfectly fine with that, my love. Any specific reasons why?

A litany of ideas scrolled through my brain. Most of them, though, felt surface level. Was it really just a bunch of little things I hadn’t considered? Or was there something bigger here? Maybe the fact that I had so many was the issue?

Emery: …I don’t think I’m emotionally ready for it.

I settled on that as the culmination behind all the niggling doubts and feelings.

Nia: Why’s that?

Emery: When we decided on asking Rina, it really hit me that we were involving another person in being intimate with us. I had prepared myself for the idea of us not treating sex as a special thing between the two of us, and even got excited about the idea, but I don’t think I ever really took the time to think about the perspective of the person we’re inviting.

Conclusions coming to be in real time, I felt myself beginning to untie the unease that laid in my stomach.

Emery: Basically, I was viewing them as a sex object. When I thought about Rina that way and then tried to digest things from her perspective, with a partner like me, I started to doubt everything else I was sure about.

Emery: Will I treat you fairly if I don’t trust that I can treat our partner fairly? Will I enjoy it as much as I thought I would?

Slowly something else dawned on me.

Emery: Am I just picking Rina because she’s a girl and I don’t feel threatened by her like I would a normal guy?

Nia scowled as she picked up the double meaning in my word choice.

Nia: Em…You are a normal guy.

Years of insecurity about my strongly effeminate features begged to differ. Nia cuddled into me, like she was going to physically stem the tide of negativity flowing out.

Emery: I know…but it doesn’t feel like it. I don’t look like a guy. I don’t sound like a guy. I don’t act very much like a guy. I don’t even have the kinds of fetishes a normal guy has…

Nia stroked me with her hands firmly.

Nia: It’s okay, Em. It’s okay. You’re okay. There’s nothing wrong with doubting yourself sometimes. You helped me with that yesterday, remember?

Emery: Yeah, but if one doubt really makes me question so much I don’t think I’m ready for the potential stress this could bring.

Nia: It’s because you’re smart, hun. You overthink things so, so much…Let me set the record straight, kay?

Nia pulled herself up and peered straight into my soul with those bright green eyes of hers. She adopted a far more resolute tone than usual.

Nia: You are an amazing man. In less than a year, you’ll have finished your bachelor's with top marks in every subject, in one of the most expensive schools in the world. You did that without getting a loan, without your family, and without paying for it.

Her voice wobbled a bit as she went on, and little wet patches formed on my top.

Nia: You supported me when most of my family and friends abandoned me. You helped me be okay with who I am, and not who I was pretending to be. You showed me you were strong enough to accept who you were, and that I could too. Emery is a person, a man, who worked through a lot of crap that people have shoveled onto him over his life. He’s someone more “manly” than anyone else I know.

I felt myself getting misty eyed as she finished. I realized it was silly getting so worked up about this.

Emery: …Eheh. When you put it like that, I feel sort of childish, getting so angsty about not wanting someone else to have sex with you…

In response, Nia snorted so hard she got mucus on my already damp pajamas.

Nia: Ahahah, sorry. Shit…I completely forgot that’s what started this. That convo really sobered me up.

Emery: Hehe yeah, my bad.

Nia grabbed some tissues and wiped us off. While she did, I pet her head and looked out the window into the night.

Emery: Thanks Nia. You always know how to cheer me up.

Nia: Happy to Em. I’m glad you’re feeling better.

Emery: Yeah, me too…We can still do the roleplaying though, right?

She shot me a jokingly fed-up look and rolled her eyes, then gave me a flirtatious wink.

Nia: After how hard you came tonight? If anything, I’m going to be working on the scenarios even more than before. Just don’t get mad if I go crazy and tease you too much, kay~?

For the rest of the night I laid restless, wondering what kinds of ****, elaborate situations Nia would concoct to get me off.

Normal End