I'll talk

"Can we not tell Seb, I don't like worrying him."

"Is that why this was such a surprise to him. You've been hiding stuff from him? Or just straight up lying to him the way you do yourself."

"I've not been lying-"

"Girl we aren't doing that technically BS to avoid the issue or use excuses. I need to know or I won't help."

"Oh."

"I'm not doing this to be a bitch or to watch you self destruct. Now out with it. Or I not only give him the details I have, I'll show him the video. If for nothing else than the hope he can get through to you."

"The truth is, I don't know. I've been ignoring lots of things, its habit at this point. If it distresses the people I care about I hide it and pretend to not see it."

"So that whole filming session was you doing better at pretending than I expected? I got to say I'm pretty good at reading people and I wouldn't have caught it if not for that shot."

"Yeah, It freaked me out more than I expected but I couldn't let that ruin your hard work..."

"The point was to find stuff like this before a breakdown, to guard against regrets later. Telling me when there are issues isn't ruining my hard work, its part of this whole Dom/Sub thing that you're waist deep in. Didn't Seb cover any of this."

"Oh...." Fucked that right up, funny that its the breakdown that saved her hard work. "I don't know, if he did I can't remember, but when I'm with him its just so easy to not think so hard about everything, follow orders and have fun, ya'know?"

"Ok, I'm going to give you both the benefit of the doubt so we don't get stuck in a blame game. I'll assume Seb tried and it was just at the wrong time and assume you were just, how did you put it last time, fuck-drunk?"

"Ok, does that mean we can call this good and move on?"

"Not by a long shot, Me and Seb are going to have a long talk about proper Sub care. You are not going to find a way to blame yourself for everything. That's an order. Then me, you and Seb are going to have a convo. There are things he needs to know, I need more details on, and you need to figure out."

"OK..." I guess that's fair all things consider with how much I must have scared them. "Yes ma'am."

"Good, hold on a sec," Ring ring "Seb, I found her, she's ok, meet me at my place. We need to talk."

----------

When we walked in Seb immediately swooped me in a hug.

It felt nice, he was warm.

I liked being in his arms.

"You had me so worried, So glad you're safe. Now You and Liz spill, what happened?" I did not however like worrying him like that "What do we need to talk about Liz?"

"Sorry." My voice felt weak, I didn't want to have this convo. I wanted him to see the video of my break down even less.

"Well, for one this is going to be uncomfortable, keep a hold of our runner there, she needs you."

"Always," He squeezed me in assurance.

"Don't give a girl like me a promise like that." I mummer into his chest.

He doesn't respond and just starts playing with my hair. "How bad? Don't soft sell me."

"Kris you want me to start and you jump in when needed?" She was being nicer than I expected for someone that hated me a few weeks ago, but then she had been nicer than I deserved this whole time.

"Yeah." It felt so good to be in his arms when I felt so weak and exposed, I'd felt less exposed on display at the party.

"Ok, well first, and I get you told me she had 'a different way of thinking', I think I get it now. In fact I don't think either of us knew just how much and I have a sneaking suspicion that even though she promised to answer truthfully that she may try to omit things we would find important that wont occur to her." She moved over to the couch and pat the spot next to her. "So you are going to bring her over here with you and I'm going to do to her what I do to my other subs that aren't being as forthright as I expect them to be."

With that I soon found myself on his lap, pointed away from her, exposed.

Both in body and soul was apparently her goal.

"We are going to use a carrot and stick method. Answer to our satisfaction, get a little reward." At this she buzzed a toy as she put it in me and hooked another to my cage, while He played with my hair the way he knew I liked. "However, omit or outright Lie and you will be 'encouraged' to try again." This came with a swift smack to my ass, "The harder it is to get at the truth, the more encouragement, the more complete the answer the better the reward. Got it?"

"Yes, ma'am"

"Good, Seb you go first its only fair at this point."

"Good, because what I got from Liz was nowhere near enough info. What happened baby?"

"I uh, had a bit of a freak out and panicked." Smack

"He knows that, give him more."

"I freaked out twice, once earlier in the session and then on review of it, second time freaked me out more that I left a cam on, it was caught on tape and now Liz would know. I couldn't handle someone seeing me like that."

"Better,-"

Buzz "Oooh."

"-now what did did you freak out about, why. Was it something Liz did? Did she push you too far?"

"Rich coming from you." I don't think she meant to be heard by me or Seb. He chose to ignore and so did I.

"No, its not anyone's fault but mine, I don't even know why I did it. Either Time"

Smack

"Its the truth! I should have been able to lock out those feelings, I do it all the time!"

"Ok, I believe you believe that's a normal way to think about that kinda thing." Just my hair played with this time but it did help to center me more than the toy would have. "Let me try a bit more focused question, if its ok with you Seb, I do have more experience getting answer out of subs after all. Requires a woman's finesse."

"One, that was both affirming and sexist at the time Liz. Second sure go for it. Be sure to find out what she meant by 'all the time' because that was my next question."

"Its a talent, and will do big guy. Kris, in the video and just now you talked about being able to lock these feeling out normally, are you referring to the specific feeling from that session or where you uncomfortable earlier?"

"Like more than normal? Like how far above the normal amount do you want me to count for the purpose of this." I was going to get clarification, I was not going to let this drag out if i could avoid it. I may have been growing to not hate this whole spank tease thing but I would rather get this over with and let Seb fuck my brains out like the girl I was. I was done with this day.

"Depends, what do you mean by normal."

"Well the normal amount of uncomfortable everyone feels as they go through out their day. That one. Like your skin is wrong and can't do anything right ya know?"

"Christ. Baby"

"What?"

"Kris, girl, that's not," Exhale, "Most people don't have that feeling as a background 'radiation' of an emotion... How long has that been true for you?"

"Oh, well that doesn't seem fair, fuck uh... Give me a sec, I think the first time I remember that feeling was back whe-.... You know what can I just say awhile?"

Smack

"No, this is important."

"But Liz its-" I can feel her shift for a good wind up, and I dig my face down trying to hid my shame some how. "Fine, I didn't want anyone to know this, its bad enough I told you on the roof-"

"ON THE WHERE?!"

"Roof, I needed to clear my head."

"Liz that true?"

"As far as I can tell yeah, tops of tall stuff is where our cute little thing likes to clear her head, like a cat that way."

"ok thank god, sorry pet continue."

... 'was hoping to get a decent change of subject there but fuck me, time to eat crow.' "It was always there but the everyday stuff only really got to this level after the camp." There that should be enough.

"What camp."

Never mind.... "The camp I told Liz about-"

Smack "He needs more than that. Don't make me start getting serious."

"Does he really? its fine, I survived and everything, right?"

"Starting to get more concerned over here, Liz what does she mean."

"Come on girl out with it, this is a need not a want." Smack

"If you find it so important why DONT YOU TELL HIM." I try to get up and book it again. 'I'd apologize for this later-'

'Fuck,' Seb's got my upper body and she's got my lower, I am not as strong as I used to be. 'eh, still worth it. Fine I guess he gets his answer.'

"Fine!" I stop struggling and Seb starts playing with my hair and Liz has taken one hand off, likely for a smack while being ready for me to try to run again. "If he needs to know, Seb It was after conversion camp. I learned to lie to myself and others like they wanted and everything was fine..."

No toys this time but both their hands massaging me was really good right now.

The only reason I'm not crying is the anger that's temporarily masking it, I'd bawl my eyes out later for this but that was doable.

"Shit, Fuck, babe? How bad was it, were you gay and that's why you were so ok with our first time?"

"Do I have to answer that one?"

"Yes."

"You both are so making this up to me, if I was still an ugly guy at least I could have gotten out of this convo. No I wasn't gay, honestly if I knew the terms back then I'd have called myself bi-romantic and Ace anytime before a deep connection. I tried to explain it to my parents the best I could but 'I really don't like girls more than guys, I really just like a few people as really good friends and would like to spend my life around them.' was 'some of that devil talk' and off I was shipped. Under guise of winning a contest from a charity for poor families."

"Those fuckers, I guess I get why you don't talk about you're family a lot."

"It a non-zero portion of the reason, but really it was all the bigotry being so bad they attacked the character of the few friends I had and blamed them for me not being more like my dad. I should have figured I had made the wrong conclusions when they started treating me better after the first gym cycle and getting rid of my games to afford it. When I left for college I decided not deal with them as much as possible. I'd make friends here and hopefully reconnect with old ones.... I mean it sorta worked, not like I planned but I have Seb now, who is amazing, and I guess Liz has been great too." She deserves a little teasing but I don't want to go too far, she is still in spanking position.

"The more I learn, the more I hate them and get why you and Alice hate that place."

"Yep, place was where joy went to die."

"So you going to finish that answer or do I need to start spanking."

"You really do suck sometimes Liz,"

"Not really, I'm mostly into chicks."

"Funny."

"I'm hilarious, I know, now stop procrastinating."

"Fine, Bad, It was bad Seb. They... they... Nope can't do it, spank me all you want but I'm NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT!" I really am freaking out I can't stop myself from flailing and crying out. "LET ME GO I CAN'T DO THIS NOT NOW NOT EVER!"

"Fuck girl! Use a safe word if its that bad! You almost got me in the face!"

"I DON'T HAVE ONE I DON'T NEED ONE, I CAN BE A GOOD GIRL WITH OUT ONE!"

At that she lets go, no longer trying to hold me and I think I'm free but Seb is strong enough to hold me and turn it into a hug and start to whisper sweet things in my ear.

"Seb what the shit, that's like '101'! The only reason I didn't have one was because I had her on top for basically every thing, even then I told her for those scenes to say cut to the camera to end them."

"Woah, woah, woah. We have one, it's even something silly and unrelated to break the mood. 'Spaghetti Jackson' or when her face is occupied its SOS in Morse tapped on the hardest surface near by. She just never used it. I even updated it to that after you gave that rant in the group chat about safewords not being close to dirty talk words and having options when vocal wasn't reliable. I don't know why she would say we don't !? "

"Huh, really... Don't need one can be a good girl without... Hmm, hang on I think I'm starting to understand your girl a bit. Kris Did you know that was your safe word."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Don't need one, he has one for me but I don't have one so WE don't have one, I was never going to use it and if I did it would just worry him..."

"That's not how that works! That's not how any of this works!" A breath breaks the on coming rant. "...that's not all, is it, what else?"

"I didn't want to lose him, what if I used it too much, or when things were just outside my comfort zone? He'd leave me for sure, that's how challenges work, you either succeeded and keep what you have or fail and lose something."

"Fucking hell," I wince at that, "baby, I would never leave you over that."

"I couldn't risk it, you were the only good thing I had left."

"Awe baby," Tightening his hug made me aware of how many tears I'd soaked his clothes with.

"I'm going to check before the next club night you come to that there is a safe word and she remembers, got it."

"Yes ma'am."

"Kris do you think you can tall Seb about the camp or should I tell him what I pieced together from our talk?"

I Shake my head to both but I know she won't take that, "Ju...Just tell him, I'm going to try and not exist for a second Hicc siff."

"Seb let me have her I need you to read this article" Being in her chest was nice, different but nice. "I don't know everything, but I know it was that camp and that shocks were involved in her case, a decent amount if we are being honest. Don't know the exact amount but by her own words she was stubborn and refused to lie or change her mind the longest of any of the others."

"Lying was bad but so was the truth. Eventually something gave and I lied to myself so I could tell them a truth they'd believe..." Liz was running her hands through my hair and making comforting sounds. It was helping, I felt safe, like when I was with Seb but not exactly. More comfort, less safe? "It was near everyday towards the end, no other kids that needed 'healed' so I got the full attention..."

As he read more and more curses came out until at the end, "FUCKING HELL THOSE BASTARDS, I I EVER SEE THEM I I AUUGHHH. Give me sec I need a fucking walk."

Click Slam!

At the sound a of him storming out I clenched Liz harder and cried the hardest I had in a while. 'I knew this would happen, i didn't want to tell him, am I losing him? why?!'

Even I couldn't make sense of my thoughts at that point, or keep them straight.

My head was a storm and I was caught in it.

"He is such a guy sometimes, it'll be ok, He's a good guy, just needs to calm down, he's angry. I am too, but guys need to vent it differently."

"I didn't."

"Girl I'm beginning to think you were never a guy, let alone a normal one."