Haley Dunphy

The eldest Dunphy daughter opens the door, looking disheveled as if she hasn’t slept in days. “Can I help you?” she asks, somewhat rudely. That’s when I remembered. If I’m using the most recentish versions of these characters, then this Haley is already married with Dylan and is now the mother of twins. Now, call me crazy, but if I’m going to spend a lot of time here and potentially the rest of my life, the last thing I would want to help take care of another man’s children. So, let’s just get rid of those.

And while I’m at it, let’s get rid of Dylan too. Not necessarily completely. Like he was still around and was a part of Haley’s past, but now they just never got together and eventually married. The changes I made are immediately apparent in Haley’s visual appearance. Goodbye “mom Haley,” and hello the Haley of old.

Now that she’s more well rested, she asks, in a more cheery voice, “Can I help you?”

“Hi, I’m John. I’m here to look at the basement for rent,” I say. This confusion Haley. “I live in the basement.” I follow it up by saying, “I know. You’re Haley, right? The one looking for a roommate?”

My words make Haley reconsider her confusion. “Yeah, that’s right. That’s me. I forgot I put it out that I was looking for a roommate.” She steps aside and asks, “Would you like for me to show you to the basement?”

“By all means. Lead the way,” I say. She leads me to the basement. I stare at her ass the whole wall down. While it may not be as big as her sister’s, there’s something to be said for a tight ass you can bounce a quarter off of.”

We get there and Haley says, “This is the place. Um, any questions? I haven’t ever really done something like this before.”

“Just one. When can I move in?” I ask. She looks at me shocked, “Really, it was that easy?”

“Of course. It’s not everyday that a guy finds an affordable place to live that comes with a live-in fuck buddy.” That statement draws her attention. “I’m sorry, what?”

“The ad said that this place also comes with a woman to have sex with, anytime I want. I’m assuming that’s you, right?”