Future

“Am I in heaven?” Her sleepy voice caused me to jump. Eyes still heavy with sleep, she had a half-grin as she laid on her side watching me. She wiped the drool from her face after realizing it was there.

“Why do you ask?”

“I feel divine and I wake up to find my boyfriend hard at work with his school assignments?” She stretched, groaning softly. “Has to be heaven.”

I made a show of rolling my eyes. “Only you would get excited watching someone do school work.”

She smiled before lifting the blanket that covered her. It didn’t reveal anything, but the invitation was clear. Closing the laptop, I got up and shifted over to the bed. Before I could climb in next to her, she quickly pressed the blanket against the bed.

“Nuh-uh. Not until you lose the clothes.” Frowning, I didn’t move. Slowly, I began to undress as she watched and shifted to climb under the covers. “All of them,” she said as I hesitated with my underwear.

“Kaylee—”

“I’m not going to do anything to you,” she said softly. “I just want to cuddle.”

Dropping the underwear, she opened the blankets and allowed me to climb inside. Her bed was a tight fit. The moment I got comfortable, she snuggled against me, throwing her arm, leg, and half her body against me as she used my shoulder as a pillow. I held her close, my arm resting against her. My eyes rested on the ceiling, my mind still chewing over the English assignment I’d been working on.

“Scott?” Mind shifting gears, I turned my head to find her looking up at me. She didn’t need to tell me what she wanted to talk about.

“Sorry. Mind still on Diary of Bethany Drew.”

“As much as I like to hear that, I don’t want to talk about school right now.”

A long silence followed as neither of us knew how to express what we wanted to say.

“Are you okay?” she whispered, eyes lowered.

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Uh-huh.”

More silence. Well, I suppose I would go first. Talking with Toby had helped contextualize a lot of the thoughts I’d been having and I felt like I had a clearer picture of what I wanted in terms of making this work. Not complete, but a direction to go.

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and today has helped confirm some things for me.” I felt her shift so she could easily look at me. My eyes remained on the ceiling as I spoke in a low, steady voice. “From the beginning, I’ve always liked listening to all your stories and exploits with other guys. While I enjoyed all the things we have done together as friends, those intimate conversations we had always seemed to be the high point for me. The most memorable.” I took a moment to gather my will and pushed on. “I used to masturbate to those stories.”

“You did?”

I nodded, still not looking at her. “I suppose that was normal enough. Your stories were fairly explicit and you always had a flair for the erotic—even if you were ranting about how bad someone was.”

“Did you masturbate to me often?”

“Far more than I’m comfortable admitting.”

She giggled lightly. “Not going to lie, that’s hot. Love it when I help a guy get off.”

My heart raced as a blanket of anxiety fell heavily over my body. It was time to take the armor off and show Kaylee who I was inside.“But now that I reflect on that, I realized that it was only recently that I started putting myself in the guy’s position. Even then it was hard to maintain that.” My body felt tense as I kept my eyes locked to that single point on the ceiling. “This entire time, I’ve never been getting off to the idea of you and me together. I was almost always getting off on you with another guy. When we started dating, two sides of me were put into conflict and I was **** to confront a part of me that I never thought about. There was the me I’ve always been. The one that got turned on listening to all your stories and fun times with other guys, and the new me, your boyfriend who wanted to be those guys you always talked up.” I took a deep breath. “Those aren’t compatible with each other and it’s been tearing me apart because I refused to even believe that first guy existed. But today I faced it and discovered that the boyfriend me isn’t the real me.”

I finally shifted my gaze to her and found her kind gaze waiting for me. “I can never be the boyfriend you want me to be. Sex terrifies me, Kaylee. That isn’t something that will ever change about me. And I don’t mean the actual act, but the consequences that come from it. A part of me wishes I could fulfill your fantasy and the two of us go off and enjoy a wild sexual adventure together, but that isn’t me—it can’t be me.”

“If it’s because—”

“It is,” I said, cutting her off. “And that’s all I’ll say on the matter. I’m sorry. Really, I am but this is one of those things that needs to stay secret at all costs. As much as I want to tell you, I can’t.”

I watched her expression as she processed that. “I understand,” she said, lowering her eyes.

“I’m not opposed to everything, but… slowly, okay? I can’t do everything you want, but what I can do needs to be on my terms. That means a lot of testing the water first.”

From the position she was in, she tried her best to give me a squeeze. “Of course.”

Silence fell between us as we retreated into our thoughts. Some time later, I broke it with a deep breath. “About tonight…” She perked up. “You enjoy it?”

“Enjoy it? That’s a bit tame. It was… amazing.” The way she said it, I had no doubts as to her sincerity.

“Derrek was that good, eh?”

Her expression darkened. “He wasn’t the only one I was with tonight and you damn well know which one I enjoyed more.”

“Do I?” I asked with a teasing smile. I even gave her a small poke to show I was teasing her. “Sounded to me like it was him you were thinking about.”

“Only because you asked.” Her lower lip rolled into her mouth as she gently gnawed on it. “You sure you don’t want me to do anything? You had a hard-on the entire time and—”

“No.”

“But—”

“Seriously, Kaylee. You can’t. I know this is me being weird, but you absolutely can’t do anything to me when we are doing this. This is a hard line.”

She looked upset. “I don’t understand. You enjoyed this too… right?”

“I did, but in my own way. What happened today wasn’t about me. It can’t be about me. Everything I did was to make you feel as good as possible. It’s why I told you to enjoy your time with Derrek. It isn’t just Derrek either. In the future, I genuinely want you to enjoy your time with other men. That is also why when we are together after it, you can’t do anything to me. Everything I do is to make you feel as good as I possibly can.”

By now, she was upset. “I never wanted something so one-sided.”

“I am getting something out of it. I get to make you happy.”

“But what about you? Don’t give me that, ‘Making you happy makes me happy,’ bullshit. I want a partner in my relationship, not a servant who is only focused on giving me everything I want.”

I felt my expression tighten. “I’m not saying that. Like I said before, I’ve always gotten off to your stories with other guys. That isn’t going to change. When I get home, I’ll probably jack off thinking about tonight.”

“So why can’t I—”

“Because you can’t. I know it doesn’t make much sense, but any pleasure I get from this has to be from me. What that looks like, I don’t know. Maybe it’s just like what we had today. Maybe I’ll jack off while you tell me all about the things you did.” I took a deep breath, filling myself with as much courage as I could muster. “Or I’ll masturbate while watching you with another guy.” Her eyes widened slightly at that, but I pressed on before she could say anything. “Whatever it is, it will be done by me and me alone. The idea of you getting me off while thinking or talking about another guy sickens me. I don’t know why, but that’s just how it is. When you were telling me about Charles, touching me at the same time, I felt disgusting. I need that separation or this will never work. In the future maybe that will change, but for now, this is what I need.”

Kaylee seemed to have calmed down a bit. Blowing up at her bangs, she sighed. “You are really fucking weird, you know that?” Before I could respond, she scooted up to gently kiss my lips. “I love you anyway.”

I didn’t respond. I hadn’t dropped the big one yet and was worried about how she would react. “Kaylee.” She tensed. From the tone I used, she knew something big was coming. “In the line of really thinking about things and how to make this work between us, I have a big ask.”

Lifting herself slightly, she brushed the hair from her face as she looked down at me. A gentle nod indicated she was ready.

“In order to make this work, I need you to give yourself to me.”

Confusion settled in as she stared down at me. “O—kay?”

“I mean it, Kaylee. The rules we established aren’t going to work. The dynamic of this relationship needs to shift. You sleeping with other guys is no longer okay.”

“But—”

“Hear me out,” I said, cutting her off. “I need control in this relationship. Who you sleep with. When you sleep with them. That all needs to come from me until we find our boundaries and find our place. This dynamic needs to shift from you sleeping with guys when you want, to me loaning you out.”

She pulled away. “What the fuck, Scott.”

I flinched. “That’s not—I didn’t mean it like that.” I rubbed my hands through my hair. “I don’t know how else to describe it. If this is going to work, it needs to be a part of our relationship. I… I want to be a part of it. This is the only way I can think of to still have that separation I need while still being involved.”

“So basically, I need to get your permission?”

“Maybe. I just know I need to be a part of this. If it means something like what we just had, me listening or watching, I’m not entirely sure. What I do know is that I need some degree of control here to start.”

She let out a long breath. “You’re asking a lot.”

“I know.”

We both let the silence drag on as we retreated into our thoughts.

“Ah, hell. Let’s give it a shot. To be honest, I’ve slept with most of the guys in school I want. Some of the younger guys are hot, but they are too inexperienced to bother with. Let’s go with your way for a bit.” She smiled. “Besides, the idea of you telling me to sleep with another guy sounds hot.” She continued to look at me, her smile fading. “But are we going to talk about what was said toward the end there?”

“You mean about him being a better fuck?” She nodded, eyes sliding away as guilt crept over her face. “It was true, wasn’t it?”

“That—I shouldn’t have—”

“It’s why I need control. I wanted you to tell me the truth there—whatever that truth is.”

“I still feel like shit. I know what that does to you. I should have never—”

“It’s fine and a part of… whatever that was. I know it’s weird, but having me ask the questions makes all the difference. When it’s you in control, like with the Charles thing, I don’t know. I hated it when you were telling me how great it was while jacking me off. It made me feel lesser, like you were pitying me or something. Even thinking about it now…” I paused to give a little shiver. “But tonight? No issues at all. At that moment, all I cared about was your pleasure and you enjoying yourself. Hearing about him being better than me didn’t hit me like it normally does because it felt like…” I paused as I felt a wave of self-consciousness rush through me. “…Like a toy. You know. You enjoy sex with someone, but there are times when that oversized vibrating dildo really hits a spot no mortal man could.”

She snorted at my comparison.

“That’s what it felt like to me. My questions and your responses were our bedroom toy to spice things up. It’s why I can’t get anything from it because it’s not meant for me. All I ask is you be honest with me. If it wasn’t that great, tell me. Don’t exaggerate and make it sound better than it really was. And if it was great, I want to know that too.”

Eventually, she snuggled back against me and together we laid there in silence. No matter how comfortable it was, I needed to break the bad news.

“I need to be going home soon. Paige is going to kill me if I don’t bring the car back for tomorrow.”

“I know… A few more minutes though?”

“Sure.” I ran my hand through her hair. “You know… Derrek asked if I could convince you not to let this be a one-time thing.”

Her head turned up to look at me. “Really?”

I nodded. “Made quite an impression on him.”

She grinned, the confidence I knew and loved right there in her eyes. “I have a tendency to do that.”

“I think… I’d like that.”

Her blue eyes never left mine. “I think I’d like that too.”