Freya pulls it together.

“No!” says Freya. “No, no, it's not... Yes, there is a guy, but it's not him, it's me. I want him, but he... and I can't stop thinking about him! I want him literally all the time, but there are these other girls I'm competing with, and it's driving me crazy!”

Savannah puts both her hands on her cousin's shoulders and pulls her close. “Hey! Listen! Fuck that guy! Okay? If he's not into you, then he can just fuck right the fuck off!”

Freya looks past Savannah to where I'm sitting. I nod to her and motion for her to continue. She takes the hint and smiles at her cousin.

“Yeah, you're right! I'm sorry. I mean...” She switches back to her terrible American accent. “That guy is such a loser! Like, whateverrrrr!”

Savannah slams her hand down on the table. “Hell yeah! You know what we need right now?”

That gets a snicker from Freya. “More shots?”

“More shots!” Savannah picks up the empty glasses and waves them over her head as she walks to the bar chanting, “More! Shots! More! Shots!”

Freya looks at me while Savannah's back is turned. I smile and nod to show my approval. That cheers her up, and she wipes away the tears. By the time the chanting redhead is back, Freya has completely recovered.

Once again, they drink, but Freya fakes it and dumps most of hers out. Savannah is so sloshed at this point that Freya barely has to hide what she's doing.

“Next game!” yells Savannah, throwing her arms up into the air. She gets up and stumbles a little towards the pool table.

At this point, Savannah has had four shots in an hour and Freya has barely had one. Freya pretends to stumble to the table and act drunk, and Savannah is too sloshed to realize that she's faking. She doesn't have a chance against a sober opponent.

“You won?!” she yells a little too loudly for the bartender's liking. “Oh my god, that's the first time you've won in, um, forever! You'd better make it a really good forfeit!”

“Hmm, let me think,” says Freya. She makes an exaggerated effort of thinking about what to say. “Oh! I know! You have to reactivate your dating profile and go out with a guy I pick out for you.”

Savannah doubles over with laughter. She has to lean on her pool cue to stay steady and she's slurring her words. “That's sooo horrible! Yesh, perfect, let's do it, you gaping slut!”

I fucking get hard every time Savannah insults Freya like that.

They go back to their table. While Savannah is pulling out her phone, the bartender comes over to the table with a mop. He looks at Savannah and says, “Okay, I'm going to have to cut you ladies off.”

“Awww!” Savannah curls up her bottom lip like she's an idiot three year-old. “You're no fun!”

“Sorry, we just want to make sure that you don't get yourselves in trouble and cause a mess. At least one of you can handle your liquor and help the other get home.” He then winks at Freya and starts mopping up the whiskey that she's been pouring on the ground for the last hour.

Savannah looks up from her phone. “Okay, my profile is up again! Let's mingle!”

I pull out my phone and start swiping on girls. There really aren't many, so I find Savannah's profile quickly. Good lord, she's actually wearing a green bikini in her profile pic! I hate to swipe the picture away, but I'll get more like it soon.

“No, not that one. Him neither,” says Freya as Savannah turns down each guy.

“Ooh, how about him! Look at those shoulders!” says Savannah.

Freya gives her a thumbs down, and they keep going. It takes awhile for them to sort through all the guys.

Finally, Freya says, “That one! Him! He's perfect!”

Savannah pulls her phone up an inch away from her face and squints at what is certainly my picture. “Yeah, that's about what I expected you to pick. Okay, sure.” She swipes right.

I get the message saying that I've captured Savannah at the same time she gets her message, but my phone doesn't ding because I put it on mute. As soon as Savannah gets her message, Freya grabs the phone out of her hand and says, “Oh! Let me see his profile!” She then swipes away the ownership message before her cousin can read it.

“There's something about that guy,” says Savannah. “I feel... weird. There'ssss something weird about... me and that guy. Like I should... do stuff?”

“That feeling is called being drunk,” lies Freya.

Meanwhile, I'm getting another notification from the app.

“You have captured your fifth girl! That makes you a tier five user! Please pick one (1) of the following member perks.

A) First in Line: Your profile will be presented to women before any other men. This works no matter which dating app they are using.

B) Recommended Matches: When you swipe right on a girl, your profile will be presented to her as a recommended match, with a message explaining that the algorithm believes you two will have extremely good chemistry.

C) Customized Profile: Every girl will see a different version of your profile. When a girl sees your profile, every detail about her will be examined, and your profile will be rewritten to include the details that are most likely to peak her interest.”

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