First Impressions

Simultaneously, in two separate locations in North London, two distinctly different people are beginning to have virtually identical misgivings. The sort of misgivings that everyone living a lie has (for what is fantasy if not a fancy name for something as yet untrue.) For a start, both are becoming uncomfortably aware that their online personas in no way match their actual physical appearance, thus making face to face recognition impossible. Then there's the disappointment likely to be experienced by the other person when they realise that the exceedingly ordinary, (possibly to the point of boring), person they've just met is the very person they've been fantasising about and basing hopes and dreams on. Both Sonia and Norris are sensing that this could all be going horribly wrong before it's really started.

To avert a potential disaster, someone needs to sieze the initiative and after a session of some really deep thinking, it's Norris that comes up with a ploy to allay this pervading sense of unease. He texts Sonia, 'Hi Yielding. Look, I'm really looking forward to meeting you so we can get our rp off the ground asap and all that. Unfortunately though, due to circumstances totally beyond my control, I genuinely can't make it tonight. However, my brother is willing to stand in for me. He's been fully briefed and knows all the right questions to ask that'll enable us to set up the perfect scenario whereby I'm able to 'pop your clogs' to your complete satisfaction. Is this ok?'

It's more than okay, it's the perfect solution to Sonia's own qualms about tonight's meeting and so it's with a profound feeling of relief that Sonia replies, 'So sorry you can't make it but in one if those weird twists of fate thingies, it seems that I can't make it either, but not to worry. You see, I've a sister who's willing to act on my behalf in this matter, so maybe we should have them meet up and see what they come back to us with. I know my sis would really appreciate a night out. What do you think, Carnal?'

'Well, yeah, I mean, my bro hasn't been getting out much recently either, so maybe it'd do him good to rejoin the human race for a spell . . . '

. . . and so the conversation continues as honest descriptions of themselves are exchanged so that the two of them will be able to recognise each other when they meet. They even give their real name's; necessary really since completely fictitious brothers and sisters have no need of user names and anyway, people calling themselves Carnalravisher Thunderlust and Miss Yielding Readily in crowed bars are likely to attract a certain amount of unwanted attention and curiosity. Thus they set themselves up to be their own avatar's avatar. What could possibly go wrong?

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It's now evening and they've met. So far, it's going well, although each of them has struggled in vain to find any similarity between the person sitting opposite them and the mental image they have of the person they originally expected to meet. However, this doesn't really seem to matter. Sonia has made a real effort to dress in a manner she hopes might incite a man to **** her. In otherwords, she's gone for an over the top sexy look that's working a treat on Norris. Her attire is tastelessly tarty, she's doused in cheap, overpowering perfume and he can barely tear his eyes away from the copious amount of living, breathing cleavage on display. Norris himself has gone for the dark, sleek, Italian assassin look and as a result now resembles a rather sleazy librarian. Still, this is all of no consequence as the drinks they rapidly consume to calm their nerves begin to take effect.

They are halfway down their forth drink now and Norris is siezing the moment to steer their so far rather inane chit-chat round to the reason they are there.

"So, as I understand it Sonia, your sisters' roleplay character wants my brother's roleplay character to kill her because she's got a shitty roleplay life and a roleplay daughter from hell. Am I right?"

"Yes, and, and, an' since your brother likes snuffing roleplay girls so much, he can kill my . . . I mean her roleplay daughter as well if he likes, or at least help m . . . help her to do it. She rather fancies drowning her because she's always hogging that sodding bath tub and using up all the pissing hot water, um, er, or . . . so I'm told."

"Hmmmm! I can see your getting really worked up about this on your sisters behalf. You two must be pretty close for you to get so emotional about the appalling behaviour of your sister's totally ficticious daughter"

"Like you wouldn't believe, buster," (muttered under her breath).

"Tell me, I'm curious to know, what's your relationship like with this rather disagreeable sounding niece"

"I . . . er . . . niece?"

In **** induced befuddlement, Sonia subterfuge finally unravels completely and out of compassion for her accute embarrassment (and he does find it cute), Norris gently says "Hi Yielding Readily, it's a genuine pleasure to meet you at last."

Sonia give a long, forlorn sigh before confessing "Yes, I'm Yielding Readily. Big joke, yeah?"

"No" says Norris tenderly; "the big joke is, I'm Carnalravisher Thunderlust."

Sonia gazes open mouthed at the pathetically weedy looking guy sitting across the table from her. Tears well up in her eyes and her big round face screws itself up in an attempt to contain the surge of raw emotion now bubbling up inside her - until it erupts out of her in one huge and prolonged belly laugh, as if this is the greatest joke ever! This nerd? This geek? Carnalravisher Thunderlust? Maybe it is the greatest, most ridiculous, joke ever. Norris certainly thinks so and joins in with Sonia's hysteria. She's pointing at him as she laughs. Norris points at himself and laughs all the more. The thing is, Laughter is a contagious commodity and very soon, people at other tables start laughing at Sonia and Norris's raucous laughter. This adds a fresh dimension to the joke which has the pair of them laughing even louder than before and ere long, the entire pub is laughing for no apparent reason other than the fact that everyone else is.

Tears of mirth are rolling down their cheeks as Norris gets to his feet, and extends a hand towards Sonia in a tacit invitation for her to take it. This she readily does and he proceeds to lead her from the building and away from the hysterical hilarity. The cool night air calms them down. Sonia's warm hand feels good in Norris's so he keeps hold of it and she lets him do so.

"Do you want to hear the biggest joke of all" she asks?

"What, even bigger than me being Carnalravisher Thunderlust?"

"Everything's bigger than you being anything, my dear, sweet, pathetic little Norris. No, the big joke is that I really do want to die and I was relying on you to kill me."

"For what it's worth, I've always been sexually aroused and darkly thrilled by the idea of killing a woman. That's why I do the online stuff I guess. It may be a poor substitute for the excitement of actually committing erotic **** but right now, it's all I've got."

"Norris, am I hearing you right? Are you saying that you're attracted by the idea of actually killing a woman for real?"

"Turns me on everytime."

"Then . . . if I asked you nicely, would you kill me?"

"Well, you're every inch a woman so if you were to ask me to kill you and were prepared to help me do so, then yes Sonia. I'd love to kill you."

They've stopped walking now and are standing on a street corner, still holding hands and gazing intently into eachother's eyes. No one passing by hears Sonia say "Please kill me, Norris" or catches his softly spoken reply of "Yes, I'll kill you, dearest Sonia. It'll be a pleasure."

Meanwhile, back at the pub, many theories abound about what the fuck just happened. Some put it down to spiked drinks, while a few others thought inadequate ventilation might have induced a state of mass hysteria. Most, however, are left wondering if that rather sleazy looking librarian might have had something to do with it.