Discovery

I was sitting, staring at the computer. The drive that I shared with Emma was open. The single file still inside of it was sitting there, taunting me.

I thought back to the first time she had sent me a picture where it was clear she was with another guy. I’d hated that picture. I’d also masturbated to it, cumming to the image of Emma about to suck someone else’s dick. I’d hated the picture because I simply couldn’t understand why it had turned me on so much. It had scared me so much that I had deleted all her pictures and told her we were through.

But we hadn’t been, of course. I had eventually realized that there were intense desires hidden behind that fear, and that I needed to explore them, that I would forever regret missing the opportunity to experience those powerful emotions.

As I stared at that file that Emma had uploaded, I realized that I had almost exactly the same feelings I had had with that first picture of her about to suck a cock. I desperately wanted to delete it. I also desperately wanted to open it and watch it again, and masturbate to it.

My entire experience with Emma had been like this. She was constantly pushing my boundaries, and I was constantly fighting her, too scared to explore any new experience that I found scary. And yet, when she pushed through the fear and **** me to deal with the emotions, I found that the intensity of my arousal was off the charts.

I knew exactly why this one scared me as much as it did. All my life I have struggled with self confidence when it comes to women. I am a nerd. I am not at all muscular or athletic. I am not particularly handsome. And … I have a smaller than average penis. I’ve always been self conscious about all of that. To have Emma and Grant talk about that pressed directly on all of those insecurities, which was very frightening.

But as I sat and stared at that file, sitting all alone in her shared drive, I couldn’t help but realize how similar it was to that first picture she’d sent with another guy. I was incredibly frightened by it, but most of that fear came from the fact that I couldn’t explain why it turned me on the way it did.

How could I want to hear myself being put down like that? How could I find the humiliation to be an actual aphrodisiac?

I wondered if it was precisely my perceived inadequacies that fed my desire to see Emma with other men. Could this be related to an instinct similar to what drives pack behavior in certain species? Could it be that my inadequacies made me accept the position of a beta male? Perhaps there was a nearly instinctual desire for the survival of the species, motivating me to accept, and even enjoy, the fact that a “better” male was being allowed breeding access while I was not?

If that was the case, then it wouldn’t do me much good to hide from those feelings if I was still intent on exploring the idea of Emma with other men. How could I begin to understand what was making me tick if I ran away from the very thing that motivated it just because it frightened me?

I suddenly began to see exactly what Emma was doing. She wanted me to come to terms with my desires. It was really what she had been doing all along, and I had been fighting her the whole way. I think she finally just decided that we are never going to truly make our relationship work until I understand what I really want from her. Do I want her to be mine? Do I want her to give herself to others? Do I want something in between? How could she give herself to me, trusting me completely, if I had no idea what I was expecting from her?

I honestly couldn’t answer those questions yet, which was why I pushed her to Ryan, causing her to break up with me.

If there was ever any hope of us making our relationship work, we were going to have to truly understand this unusual little kink of mine, and we couldn’t do that if I fought her every time she tried to explore my boundaries.

I was going to have to trust her. I was going to have to accept that I couldn’t truly explore the depths of my desires without pushing out into the pain that was motivating them. Time and time again I had found that the very pain that seemed impossible to accept would eventually empower intense desire and arousal. How would I ever know which pain would end up feeding my desires if I shunned all new sources of pain?

They say you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Emma wanted to start figuring out which omelets I liked and which ones I didn’t, and to do that she would have to break a lot of eggs. I can’t keep stopping her every time she breaks an egg before we ever learn whether or not I would have enjoyed the omelet.

It was time for me to trust her to do exactly that. I had to let her try to push through my pain to see if it ever led me into pleasure that I wouldn’t have found otherwise. There would surely be pain that was too deep to push through to find the pleasure on the other side. I had to accept that there was no way to find that out without dipping into it deep enough that it would really hurt before we knew that we should stop. That was the cost of me finding out what my motivations really were. In order to find the limits of the pleasure I could have, I would have to accept the pain that was associated with it. I needed this new version of Emma to push me into these sources of pain, forcing me to endure them while we sought the pleasure available behind them.

I looked one last time at that file. I still felt the stinging pain that came from the words shared between Grant and Emma, but in the center of that pain, there was something else. There was a desire to let that pain wash over me so that it could feed my smoldering lust.

As I debated what to do, I realized that I was rock hard, the front of my pants stretching with the pressure of my erection. The desire was already there. I only had to trust that the pain would add fuel to that potent desire.

I doubled clicked the file to open it. With trembling fingers I moved the mouse pointer to play it. I immediately open my pants to release the diamond hard shaft within.

I groaned as soon as I began stroking that shaft. I knew I was going to cum, listening to Grant and Emma talk about me. I knew I would come back to it more than once. There was an intense wall of pleasure hiding back behind that pain, and I was going to access it over and over again.