Date Night

Tom and Diana sat across from each other at Rue Dix-Neuf. It was a small bistro in a trendy part of the city. Diana had heard about it from her sister Maggie, and had used it to spend weeks passive-aggressively sniping at Tom for never taking her out. She chuckled that all it took to get him to go on a date night was a slight adjustment to her own attitude. The cuisine was exquisite, the ambiance was refined. The restaurant was bathed in mixture of softly glowing incandescent bulbs and candlelight. The exposed brick walls were decorated with framed art nouveau posters, and curios like Moroccan tapestries, or large antique silver serving trays. The smell of sage, butter, and wine permeated the air.

Everything was perfect.

Diana had wanted to go back to Dr. Kahn's apartment to change, but it was all the way on the other side of town. Besides, Tom knew that if they ended up going there, they'd be too busy rutting like bunnies in heat, to ever actually go out. To his surprise he found himself actually wanting to go on a date with Diana.

"You know, the psychiatrist in me might see that as evidence infatuation. You were the same when we first met, or when you first met the old me if you'd rather put it that way. You may have reverted back to that state of the relationship perceiving me as a 'new' person, but I assure you, just because I'm a bit more emotionally canny and mature, I'm still the same Diana. We still have to work on all of those same issues we went to Dr. Kahn for, not just me. I know the old me was a bully, but after we get over how freaking awesome these magic stickers are, we should talk about how you show up for me and our kids, because you have not been an equal partner in this relationship." Diana said, her voice sounding light and bubbly despite the weight of her words.

It confused Tom.

"Is that you talking or Dr. Kahn?" Tom said.

"I still can't tell if I'm using Dr. Kahn, or she's wearing me. Honestly I don't even care. Do you? You got the perfect wife out of this." Diana said.

"Okay fair, but do you really want to talk about it now?"

"Oh fuck no. I'm not your therapist anymore Thomas dear, I'm your hot wife. One of the things you need to learn is how to listen. I said we have to talk about that after we fully process the fact that we have these magic stickers."

"Ha okay, yeah, we can talk about that, but I am 100% behind waiting. Because these stickers are pretty crazy." Tom said, sighing thankfully that they wouldn't spoil this evening.

"Seriously. I was half-tempted to use them on Camilla." Diana said snickering.

"Really?!"

"Of course, she's the worst employee ever. Dr. Kahn just never fired her because she didn't want to go through the hassle of onboarding someone new. Besides, I want to test how these things work. There's still a lot we don't know about them."

"Well yeah, but don't you think we should be a bit more circumspect?"

There was Tom's classic indecision. Diana had anticipated this, and didn't let his trepidation get to her. She knew he'd need some more convincing. He might whine and moan now about the morality of what they were doing, but he was the one who had put this sticker on her. At the old version of Diana's behest, she wasn't sure he would have had the courage to do something so audacious without help. But she knew he could get there. He had been able to accept turning his old wife into an au pair because it suited him. Maybe if she showed him what else he could stand to gain, he wouldn't be so judgmental about how they used their stickers.

Diana's train of thought was interrupted by their server walking up to their table. At first she was annoyed, but when she saw the young woman, all of a sudden a plan formed.

"Hello, thanks so much for waiting, my name is Yvette Moureaux and I will be your server for the evening. Have you dined with us before?" Yvette said.

"No, you see between my husband's busy schedule as a very important corporate consultant." Diana said beaming at Tom with a pride he'd never seen from the old Diana, something this new version had been counting on to help her with this next part. "and my job as a psychiatrist we don't get out a lot. In fact the only way I was able to tear myself away from my work was so I could do a bit of field work."

Yvette looked at the couple. The wife looked about a decade younger, but maybe that was just her dark skin, she gave off a very middle-age vibe, and the husband looked like a nervous wreck. She had no idea what this woman was talking about, but just smiled trying to get through another evening at the job. She was in her mid-twenties and had moved to Philly after moving to the city for college. Now that she graduated she was trying to make ends meet. As a pretty woman with luscious blond hair and a chest that always got more attention than she wanted it to, becoming a waitress made sense. The tips were good, and the hours were flexible enough so she could study for her LSATs. She rather not engage, but also knew how important making a good impression was to get a big fat tip. These two seemed loaded, so she did her best to humor them.

"I'm so glad you could come out tonight." She said, ignoring the obvious bait, but giving her best polite smile. She hated getting roped into long conversations. "Would you like me to list the chef's special for this evening?"

"Actually, I'd love you to take a look at these first." Diana said, snatching the stack of stickers out of her purse.

Tom held his breath as his face turned white. He couldn't believe Diana was just whipping out the source of their new power.

"Diana what are you doing?" Tom hissed at her.

"You do recall that I was the recepient of one of these wonderfully magical things, don't you? I have some theories I want to test." Diana said with a nonchalant smile Tom couldn't comprehend.

"But people will see you." He said.

"That's the first thing I wanted to test actually. See?" Diana said gesturing to Yvette.

Tom had forgotten about the server and was already trying to stammer out an explination for his wife's behavior. When he looked at the pretty flaxen haired woman, he realized that he didn't need to. Yvette was standing still. Not exactly drooling or slack jawed, but certainly entranced. All of her attention was on the stickers. It was as though everything else in the world had fallen away.

"What did you do to her?" Tom said in wonder.

"Nothing. It's the stickers. See how no one is looking at Yvette, or us. I wondered how far the magic would go to make them unnoticeable." Diana said.

"But you noticed them. The Dr. Kahn version of you I mean." You weren't entranced.

"I reacted to the idea of them before I saw them." Diana said. "Or rather she did. Whatever. The point is that once the stickers were in your hand I remember this feeling of total calm. I could see you coming to me, but all my attention was on the stickers. I felt like a puddle of gooey happiness. Our friend Yvette here is currently experiencing that, and will wait patiently until we either address her, or give her a sticker of her own."

"We can't give her a new identity. Not in such a crowded place. Right?" Tom said.

"No one would notice. Remember how little Camilla cared? That's not just because she's a bad employee, it's the magic babe. But no, I'm not thinking of erasing her identity, or even exchanging it. I want to test another theory. I promise it won't her, or her ability to work. Just hear me out okay?" Diana said, her eyes shining in a way that made it impossible for Tom to say no.

"What did you have in mind." He said, resigned to being at the whims of his wife's gorgeous new body.

Diana grinned in gleeful triumph.

"Well, we know the stickers work super literally. We know they can give you the identity of a person who exists. We also know they can give a person a role, not a complete identity or personality from a psychological perspective when the language on the sticker is vague. It didn't turn Diana 1.0 into an existing au pair, or give her old personality a new role. It was hyper-literal doing anything to resolve whatever was written on the sticker, no more, no less. So what I want to try now is see how we can use grammar to refine the process of identity manipulation." Diana said.

"And you want to use this woman as a guinea pig?" Tom said.

"I could use you, if you prefer." Diana said, teasing as she batted at his hand playfully. "And remember if you feel guilty we can always reassign this woman her original identity."

"Okay what did you have in mind?" Tom said.

"Well, as I said, these things are very literal, and that means I think we can use grammar to our advantage. I want to start by seeing what effect punctuation has on the process." Diana said, already furiously scribbling on the topmost card.

"What did you have in mind?" Tom said.

Instead of responding, Diana took the initiative and smacked the sticker on Yvette's chest, where Tom could clearly read what it said.

Hello My name is... Yvette Moureaux (secret fem-bot)